Wedding frenzy

I'm getting married in less than a fortnight. For almost the last three months, my family and I have been "preparing" for the wedding. Soon after the parents became involved in our relationship (i.e. maybe what one could call an unofficial Roka), I realised that fighting against a big fat wedding is a lost cause. So I decided to stop saying no to everything and enjoy the preparations. You may call that my excuse for splurging my parents' hard earned money ;)

The preparation - involving almost daily trips to various markets of Delhi - has become a so much a part of my routine, that I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. In about two weeks, all the naach-gana band-baaja will be done. Then what?

I'd read somewhere that if we paid as much attention to planning marriages as we spend planning weddings, the world would be a better place (or something to that effect). Couldn't agree more! I'm not anxious about the wedding. But what bothers me...is that I can't picture our "marriage"...I mean, of course I'm thrilled that Aseem and I finally get to live together. But that also means moving out of 'home'. Moving away from everything that is familiar and known and comfortable and convenient. I feel like crying every time I think of all that's going to change. Forever. Does every bride feel this way? Does that make things any better for anyone?

Candid confessions of an amateur driver

I started learning how to drive soon after finishing 12th std in school. And thanks to the super flawed (read corrupt) system, got my drivers' license soon after. It wasn't until a good 3 years later though that I actually learned to drive!
So it's been roughly 6-7 years that I have been driving a car, in the real sense of the word. In conditions involving minimal or no supervision. Most importantly, in conditions involving other cars! Despite this I call myself an amateur driver. Here's a (non-exhaustive) list of why:

1. I cannot, for the love of God, manage reverse parking or parallel parking (or any form of parking apart from just driving into a parking lot!). It's not that I never tried. But after 5,6,7 failed attempts (at the same instance) and judgmental glares of bystanders, I kinda gave up.

2. I follow traffic rules. I drive within the speed limit, stop behind the "Stop line" at red lights, indicate every time I have to turn or change lanes, and keep honking to a minimum. Anyone living in Delhi (and probably most other cities in this country) who has ever done the same, will know the looks one attracts for doing this. I've got reactions ranging from bewildered amusement to downright irritation (sometimes from within my own car!) for doing something as routine as following traffic rules! So, if you can't break lanes and a few safety rules, you are no good as a driver.

3. I do not drive to win. I am mostly not in a rush. And even when I am, it doesn't make me feel like I've lost a race every time a car overtakes mine!

4. Even though I know I am perfectly capable of driving through crazy traffic, I get nervous at the very thought of doing so. I am happiest if offered a lift!

5. If ever required to lead another car (ok that doesn't happen so often coz my awesome sense of direction ;) ) I end up feeling guilty for slowing them down and am actually relieved to allow them to speed ahead as soon as we reach a familiar route!

6. I have tears running down my face at the slightest hint of confrontation and/or judgment from a fellow driver.

7. I am very cautious about Not reinforcing people's beliefs about women being lousy drivers. And every time I make a blunder I feel weighed down by the guilt of having let down womankind!

8. I need a minimum of 30secs to recall which lever opens the fuel tank and which one opens the bonnet...It's happened more than once that I've completely forgotten, much to my embarrassment, to open the fuel tank door!

I recently drove on the highway for the very first time. The driving on traffic-less Mumbai-Pune expressway doesn't count, does it? And I was struck by how Mean people can get on the road!! Everyone wants to get ahead. Everyone wants to stop the others from getting ahead. Specially people with cars. Truck drivers were surprisingly nicer! Weaving my way through what seemed like millions of trucks and trailers, it dawned upon me that even though I don't completely suck at this...driving isn't something I'd ever take up as a hobby! Coming from a family where practically everyone loves to drive, this is almost shameful. Well, almost.

I love surprises. It doesn't matter whether it's big or small...whether it's a material object or a gesture or a surprise visit...what makes surprises so special is that they make me feel special. The joy of knowing that someone cares enough for that smile of yours...of knowing that they made an effort to put together something just to see the look on your face :)

I have been blessed with more than my fair share of surprises. My first memory of a surprise was when I was 8 or 9 I think. I have always loved animals. Always wanted a pet. And like most parents, mine wouldn't let me have one. So I had to settle by 'adopting' stray pups and kittens. To be honest I hardly adopted, but was adopted by them! They were fulfilling my need to love animals...I wasn't really doing much for them, apart from an occasional saucer of milk or slice of bread...Anyway, coming back to my first surprise...

It was during one of the summer holidays, most of which I spent at my nani's in Mulund. Those were fun times. With cousin nanis, nanas, mamas n maasis living close by. Me and my brother spent a lot of time at their places. The adulation was hard to pass...we were the only grandchildren for a long long time :D So, on one such day, close to the end of hols, we went to my cousin nana's place in the evening. Just like that. (when did i stop going to people's places JLT?!..it used to be so effortless!) And he asked me to go to the kitchen, to see if I found anything 'different'. Given my bleak observation skills, it was no surprise that I found nothing different. But I was more curious as a child than I am now, so I was just snooping through the things kept on the counter...and guess what I saw in one vessel?!?!?! There, swimming timidly in a huge steel bowl was a beautiful little tortoise!!!!! He'd bought it for me! You can't imagine how I felt at that moment! Or maybe you can...

The point is...he died today. And I'm reminded of all the awesome things he did. Not just the tortoise incident (which, BTW was a HUGE milestone in my life)...I feel swept under a wave of nostalgia. So many parts n people from my childhood are no more....the change feels overwhelming.

I've stopped counting the months and days and weeks...

time has passed by quite inconsistently since you left

it's been days since I last sobbed for you

or has it been weeks?

life reminds me of you

death reminds me of you

reminds me of the helplessness i felt that day

the helplessness that i continue to feel...

i know you had to go one day

i knew it would be tough

but 'tough' doesn't even start to describe how it feels

i don't want you to see me cry

i hope you are busy making new friends...

but i also hope you think of me sometimes

i hope you wait up till it's time for me to come up there

so we can be together again

so that i get to say sorry for everything i didn't do

for everything that i did...

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions. I am a firm believer in live-n-let-live. Despite trying very hard though, I just can't seem to digest the prejudices people have! And that too such unfounded prejudices. I have a tendency to take offence at the slightest racist comment. Somehow, it seems like a personal insult. 'Coz I know at least one person belonging to the culture/community/group in question. And the instinctive loyalty eggs me on. How can I let someone get away with such an insulting remark about HER/ HIM? I tend to take things too personally. I guess that's not the smartest thing to do. But then, how can I let someone get away with something I know has no basis in reality! Outrageous assumptions, or rather generalizations, from people about things they have no clue about just get to me!

Stereotypes that I'm most touchy about -

1. Homosexuality is abnormal.

2. Muslims cannot be trusted

And anything about

3. 'South Indians'

4. Women

Gettalife ALREADY!

One of the newspapers featured a story on how celebs who endorse hockey have failed to turn up for the matches. I found it quite amusing. I mean, it's nice that the Hockey World Cup has got as much publicity as it has. But, dude! It's come like a month before the actual event. What did they expect?! People who are sports fanatics (like most men in my family) will follow any sport whatsoever, publicity notwithstanding. But non-sport people (like me) or even people committed to a particular game for ages, are not gonna develop an interest in hockey overnight! So holding Sehwag or PC responsible for its mediocre popularity is lame (if not funny)! And the argument that filmstars show up for IPL matches n not hockey ones is sooooo silly. Hello! Surely there's some difference between appearing in an ad for a product and owning a team?!

Though all this silly-ness apart, hockey IS our national game. Hope it gets its due!

Hollow or shallow?

What's worse...hollow or shallow? Shallow sounds still manageable...it's more like a beginning. You could graduate to 'deep'. Not necessarily, but there's still a chance! But hollow is something that's....something that hurts. Like, something that used to have substance starts hollowing out. Something that used to be good starts going bad from within.
I've been thinking of these two in terms of relationships. Lately, certain relations have turned out to be pretty shallow. That felt weird for a day. But i'm okay with it. It's a no-big-deal situation. Certain others seem to have become hollow. Not suddenly. Pretty gradual actually. But it's much much worse. Now that realization has finally dawned, it seems irreversible. I know it isn't. Maybe i can make things better. What if i don't want to?! What if 'making things okay' is just a pattern? What if it is like a temporary filling in the hollowness which eventually wears out...And makes the relationship worse? Like the way they fill up potholes on our roads?
I'd take shallow over hollow i think. What about you?

You mess up my mind
You play with my thoughts
You sweep me off my feet
You take my breath away
But the exhiliration dies too soon
You leave me all alone
In the middle of the song
Clutching my heart in my fist
I wait for the next time
Not knowing if it will come at all
I curse myself for letting you do that to me
For letting you mess with my mind!

The problem with being a romantic is that you start believing in the fairy tales... Start hoping that the frog is actually a prince. And not just one frog, but all the frogs that you come across. I think that's my problem. I have seen too much mush, read too much mush...and now, willingly or unwillingly, I look for the same in real life. And well, no surprises for guessing, it ain't actually there... Or maybe I'm looking at the wrong places? Maybe the fairy tales didn't get it all wrong. Maybe there are happy endings, just that something about getting there has changed? I can't really figure out what though! Any suggestions?

I was recently told by someone at work that their first impression of me wasn't that great because, in their own words - "tum hasti bohot thi". That wasn't a very nice thing to hear!! I mean, kya matlab hai? That I smile too much or that I laugh too much?! Umm...actually I do both of these quite a lot. And it had never seemed like a problem. But now that I think of it, smiling is my preferred expression and I laugh as response to a lot of things. Gosh! I must come across as such a dumb person!! In a conversation, I hardly have anything intelligent/interesting to say, so I generally nod-n-smile-n-listen. That sounds infinitely stupid now! (I can picture myself now...like a circus clown...with a big red-n-white smile painted on my face...all happy-n-Bozo...ewwww!)
As a second thought, isn't smiling better than having a straight or grumpy face? And doesn't laughter act as an anti-ageing-something?! But I'd prefer 'wiser' to 'younger' anyday! I like to picture myself as an intelligent, laidback, composed kinda person...and such a comment, which is quite unlike how I try to portray myself, is highly detrimental to my self concept!!! Sheh! Kay karu? ;)

The pen is mightier than the sword. Sounds like a very righteous sentence…but maybe it isn't always that righteous.
Bribe, corruption, dishonesty…maybe these are not seen as bad things by everyone. Does that change how I see them? Do I feel foolish for holding on to certain ideals but also doing nothing to defend them? Am I questioning the efficacy of what I have always believed in? Yes…I am doing/feeling all of this. I'm wondering if I am a fool…or maybe just too naïve…someone who is no good at the worldly ways…someone who is too smart too be a simpleton, but too dumb to be street smart. Someone, who within her holds on to the dream of a free-of-malice-loving-pure-kind-just world, but deeper within, has this nagging doubt as to whether this belief is in fact disconnected from reality. What if it is? Is it such a bad thing to be delusional? Why does it upset me so much? And then again, why isn't it upsetting me enough!

I have a friend who I've never met. Over the years, at some point of time, I've fallen in love with him...gotten over him...cared for him like crazy...been mad at him...had the most inane conversations with him...been bugged by him infinitely...shared a super rapport with...and currently, am 'staying away'...He's one person with whom I can't really describe my relationship. I don't know how it is for him, 'coz I don't believe his cheesy melodrama :)...but I know that at some level, I hope that he means what he says...'coz I do.

With him, I feel a special bond...a weird connection...It's not a romantic connection...but it isn't completely platonic either. I'm not 'in love' with him but I love him loads. Sometimes he's like a big brother...all concerned and sweet (okay...I admit this is kinda rare..lol). At others, he's meaner than possibly imaginable...and at still others he's pathetically cheesy...but I have so much fun talking to him!

I used to think of our conversations as a 'zone' where I could chill n be myself...but then, how can I "be" anything in a text convo?!

Right now, as I mentioned earlier...we aren't really talking...and I can't figure out what I'm feeling 'bout this...ughh...forget it!

Pain

This is an ooooooold diary entry...and it's here as an answer to all my '"why me's"...and to remind me that 'dard mein kuch toh baat hai' :)

I met an old friend last night...Pain. We share a strange relationship. I hate him..and he seems to love me. 'Coz no matter what I do to drive him away, he keeps coming back...wrenching my body...wringing out all my energy...and making me feel utterly helpless!
But, he's still my best buddy...b'coz even though he torments my body, he rejuvenates my soul. Every time he comes visiting, he brings along a lesson on optimism...on hope. And each time I succeed in doing away with him, he succeeds in making me a stronger person. Each encounter with him makes me think, 'if I could go through That, i can go through anything!'.
What seemed like a curse once, is in fact a boon. My friend, dear Pain, hope to see you again soon!