Another year gone by...a decade's gone by in fact! And look at me succumbing to cliches...doing an 'year end' post no less! ;)

But try as much as I may, I can't really do 1...Why?

I am no good at this. I forget. Big Time!

Plus, this doesn't feel like the end of the year. I am in the middle of my year abroad! How can it feel like an end already? :P :P

Having said that, the last calender year has been 'happening'...to say the least. I had a bunch of firsts...including rad stuff like purple hair n tattoo on my back ;) A new relationship...love...rediscovering old friends... A new place and people. A better defined direction...and lots of ups and downs. I am 25. I am in a good place in life. And I have a million things to be thankful for. So let's keep it like that for now. I'll be back with the resolutions :)

Happy new year all of you!

First sight of snow

About a fortnight ago, I was pleasantly surprised to see that all the grass outside my house had turned a pale silver. It looked as though someone had made hours of painstaking effort to paint every single blade of grass (and all other surfaces)! it looked amazing! My first thought was, 'snow?!'...but that's not what it was. It was frost. And it made everything veryyyyyy pretty :) Everyone's always talking about the snow, how come no one mentioned frost in any positive context?! I was mesmerized by it! (So mesmerized, in fact, that I did not take a single picture!)

It made everything look so...edible!

A week or so passed quite uneventfully. On a Friday, I had some friends over...since the 'party' went on till late, I woke up only the next afternoon. And when I looked out, the sight was no short of breathtaking! I swear it was the most amazing sight ever! Frost has its own charm, but snow wins hands down! :) If ever there was a competition for "forms of precipitation/condensation/whatever-'water-appearing-on-earth'-is-called"...snow would be the clear winner!!

It looked magical! It isn't that I have never seen snow before. I have. But on all previous occasions, I had seen snow in hill stations - places where it was already there...places where it's been there for ages. But in Keele, I saw the landscape go from green to grey to a stunningly spectacular white! It is so personal you know! It is MY snow! :D

I was a li'l disappointed at having missed the first snowfall though...couldn't wait for it to snow again. And when it did...wow! If there's anything that beats the frothy-white that covers everything in sight, it is the beautiful candyfloss-ish tufts of snow descending from the sky. It is magic! It really is!!!

People here talk about the snow being a nuisance and a safety hazard and all that...my sympathies with all those who have to drive through the bad weather. But I don't have to! ;) So might as well enjoy it before I succumb to the characteristic cynicism of the human race! Can't wait for it to snow again :D Snow fight, anyone? :D

It's been almost a year. And over the last 12 months I have tried at least 1200 times to write about Dennis. But every time I started, I would find it impossible to carry on. Found it way too overwhelming to go on. I would start out with a happy thought about him...and in no time, bam! I could see those last few days and I was a goner. I would think, okay, it's been x months now, surely I'm more in control. Every single time I thought that, I would disappoint myself by breaking down. Looking back, it almost seems like set pattern. (Think about Dennis - feel thankful about the good times - start to pen down something about him - be reminded of his death - cry myself to sleep). But it wasn't. Every time, I was as surprised by my reaction as always. The frequency of the crying spells reduced...the intensity did not. I hardly talked about this. Whenever I did talk about Dennis, it was with a wistful smile and a complete lack of pain. I don't know why it was so easy to talk about his life in someone's company...and so impossible to even think about him when I was alone.

It's still the same. And lately, those last 3-4 days keep running through my mind. Very vivid images. I remember what I wore. I remember when I slept. I remember the song playing on the radio. It still isn't easy to talk about that time. But I have spoken to A and M about it. And even talked about the whole thing in a counselling practice session. It doesn't make things easier. Sure, it is wonderful to know that there are people who care. Yet, I know no one will know. And it isn't anybody's fault. My pain is my own. My guilt is my own. No one else can see my memories...how will they ever understand?!

In which case, why, you may think, am I writing this at all? I wanted the post to be about Dennis. But it ended up being about me. What does that say about me and my belief that grief is very personal, no one really knows what someone else is going through? Well yes, I still believe that no one will know my pain the way I do. But now, after having spoken about it, I also believe that shutting people out isn't the best way to deal with it. They wouldn't know till you tell them what it is like. You might not have the words right now, but try. And it will help them get closer to your reality. Help you to understand your pain better. And eventually, maybe in some tiny little way, make the pain grow dimmer. 'Coz that's what we really want, isn't it? At least that is what I want. I want to remember him fondly, not with remorse. And I never ever want to forget him or 'get over him'.

Some people have this undeniably irritating quality. It's not any one thing...nothing that I can put my finger on. But there are times...rare times, when I come across someone and instantly start disliking him/her. I come across these 'disliked' people so infrequently, that by the time I meet one I have totally forgotten why I disliked the previous one! So I dunno if I dislike /get put off by the same things or whether it's a whole spectrum of traits!

Not too long ago, I met one such guy. Highly irritating to say the least! Instantly got on my nerves. In my defense, it's not like he wasn't trying. But that came later. The minute I saw him I went...uh oh...not my type. Don't get me wrong now. For all practical purposes, I don't even have a type. I am quite a nice n tolerant person (even if I do say so myself ;) ). And it's not often that I get so majorly put off by a person. But after the not-so-happy start things just went downhill. And anything he said felt like long fingernails being scratched across the blackboard. Seriously! And his voice quality had nothing to with it :P Whatever he said...or did...or didn't do....it just irked me so!

I tried being 'person centred' about it. Unconditional positive regard and all that. Didn't work. I tried ignoring him. Didn't work. I tried being mean to him. Ok, not tried, I was mean ;) Felt good for a bit...but didn't do much either!

I guess the best way would be to steer clear. For my wellbeing. And his :D

Soulmates

Soul mate - someone who knows you inside out. Someone who understands; someone who cares. Someone who is like no other.

Until not too long ago, I didn't quite believe in the idea of 'soulmates'. It's not like I didn't think people could have soulmates...it's just that I never thought I would ever have one. I never expected to come across anyone who would be so....perfect.

I love the idea of soul mates now. Of finding that one person who mates your soul.

Who are these people then? They don't come with a halo over their heads or flashbulbs across their chest... These are normal everyday people who have the knack to really open up to you...the ability to make you open up unconditionally. And it is a two-way thing...like, to the world both of you may appear to be a block of marble. some people might urge you to carve into a horse...others might say you would make an exquisite rabbit. But it is only the two of you who know what the other's marble really holds. So, your soulmate knows your true potential. And trusts you to realize it even if others can't really see it yet. They are gonna be there till all the extra bits fall off. They are gonna be there to add what needs to be added. And you do the same for them. Knowingly and unknowingly...

I'm amazed at the positivity flowing in from Delhi about the CWG opening ceremony! Suddenly, everyone is having a "I proud to be Indian" moment. A lot of the people raving about the 'success' were till a few days ago cribbing and cussing and complaining. A little song-dance-n-fanfare and all the glitches are forgotten n forgiven. Very interesting!

I saw the ceremony too. And it was nothing short of spectacular. I was specially enamored by the mehendi-hands bit. Sooooooo cool! :) But till I saw all these Fb status msgs, it was just that - a spectacular show. Now I'm wondering why I was so objective/detached about it! I'm usually the one to see the silver lining before the dark cloud... Dunno! Maybe just a result of too-much-on-my-mind!

Love. The many splendoured, multi-faceted, much talked about, mostly over-hyped...and even undermined emotion...which manages to cover such a wide variety of human experiences. Something that evokes as much cynicism as gooey romance. Something that is a one word explanation for all things good and bad.

What do I say about love?...so much has been said already! If I did decide to write about it though, it would be something like a Wikipedia post on 'Che Guevara' or the 'French Revolution' or something like that which has numerous sub-points and sub-subpoints and sub-subsubpoints!! You get the point? ;)

Coz there's romantic love, platonic love, unconditional love, friend-ly love, louve, pseudo love, rebellious love, love for animals, love for the country/planet/universe...there's just so many loves!!! Love can be 'pyaar'...or 'mohabbat'...or 'ishq'...each one with its zillion unique connotations! So, no point trying to describe it...But, how about stuff I've read/heard about love. Stuff that defines how I see the...'concept'? Here goes...

The first thing that comes to my mind are Karla's lines from Shantaram: "She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would’ve done anything for him. Some people are like that. Some loves are like that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out—your friends, everyone you used to know. And it’s still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it. I’ve seen that happen to a lot of people here. I think that’s why I’m sick of love."

These lines have kinda stayed on in my mind...despite my preoccupation with fairytale-ish happy endings! Don't you see this all around you? People working so hard to keep alive what is evidently a lost cause... It's sad, but it's one of the many things which you come across and think 'it would never happen to me/us'. I'm not sick of love, but I totally understand what Karla's talking about!

"Kehte hain ishq jise Ghalib/ khalal hai dimaag ka"

I am unaware of the source of this piece of wisdom. I love the all-in-the-mind connotation though! :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is slowly losing your mind!"

:D 27 Dresses...no prizes for guessing! Chick-flicks are fulllllll of gyaan!

This one gives me respite on all those blue days :)

"Haar nahi, jeet nahi, jahan pyaar hai/ Jisme haar jeet hai woh kahan pyaar hai"

Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai

As cheezy as it gets. From a Yashraj movie, no less! hehe...I have no idea whose lyrics these are. But they feel so right! What's the point of contested love anyway?

"Sach mere yaar hai/ Bas wohi pyaar hai/ Jiske badle mein koi toh pyaar de/ Baaki bekaar hai...yaar mere"

Sagar

This song made me feel so understood during my teens you know! hehe...Unrequited love has it's own charm! I am kind of a self-confessed champion of the same ;) And though it isn't much fun on most days, it's entertaining to look back on past 'crushes' and fantasize about what could have been :)

"Mohabbat bhi zindagi ki tarah hoti hai, har mod aasan nahi hota, har mod par khushiyan nahi hoti; toh jab hum zindagi ka saath nahi chodte to mohabbat ka saath kyun chod de?"

Mohabbatein

This is the awesomest of the lot. Awesome = cheezy here ;) If, for just a moment, you lay aside your prejudices against Shahrukh Khan and his kinda movies, you'll realize, that these are very profound lines... Don't laugh!!! :P

"...love burns brighter than sunshine...Love will remain a mystery/ but give me your hand and you'll see/ Your heart is keeping time with me..."

Aqualung (from the Soundtrack for 'A Lot Like Love')

My favourite song from my all-time favourite movie! Need I say any more? :)

To label or not to label...?

All of us use labels. We label things. We label places. We label memories and experiences. But most often, we label people. Not everyone supports the notion though. Some go as far as claiming it to be a discriminatory practice. Is it?

I have been thinking about it. In a way, labels make life more convenient. For instance, if I label someone I know as 'outspoken but good at heart', I would know better than to take offence at every little thing they say. If I label a person as 'selflessly helpful', I know who to go to when I need a favour. Quite convenient, no? No. Because we end up labelling not only people we know, but also ones we barely have any clue about. This is when the harmless categorizing turns to vicious stereotyping. Come to think of it, this is the kinda labelling all those people are harping against!

Hmm...fine. So do we not label people at all? I don't think that's going to work! It's quite a necessary-evil kinda situation!

Then there's this whole issue about names of labels. So people with low IQ can't be termed as mentally challenged. People with schizophrenia can't be called schizophrenics. Fat people can't be called fat. Poor people can't be called poor. So we have terms like 'healthy' and 'economically disadvantaged' and god-knows-what-not to refer to these things. Aren't we just complicating simple stuff? I am all for equal rights and all that...and I'm not saying this just 'coz I'm worried about what Saloli might say! ;) ...but I'm the kind who believes in the 'a rose called by any other name would smell just as sweet' philosophy! We need to start respecting people. True. Irrespective of their health or monetary status. Irrespective of their colour, shape, social standing, gender and all possible categories along which we discriminate! BUT, calling them something else is not helping in anyone! People who referred to special children as "paagal" may not use the latter term any more (at least publicly), but there's hardly any change in perception! The paranoia continues. The misgivings are still in place.

Is it enough to blame the label for it then? What needs to change is not the name but it's connotation. Easier said than done, of course. But there are people working on it. Quite diligently. The least we can do is try to de-clutter our mind of the complex labels and look for the person behind it. It is just a tiny amount of extra effort. Wouldn't hurt to try :)

The top reason for why you should watch Inception is that everyone is talking about it and its mighty irritating to be left out of a good conversation ;) I wouldn't say it's wrongly hyped. But honestly, it's too much of an effort for a movie! As in, you have to pay 100% attention to it alllllllllll through. That's pretty taxing if you ask me!

Super cool concept. A li'l too 'technical' for my liking. But I like the idea of getting into someone's subconscious....or sharing a dream. Designing and manipulating gets a bit too much though! And it beats me why there's so much wreckage...what's with these hollywood film makers huh? I think they should stick to rom-com/chick-flicks :) I love those best :)

People around me - my age and younger (!) - have been getting married at an almost alarming rate. It's like jo dekho shaadi kar raha hai! (thankfully talks about mine have been put off for at least another year).

Since so many of them are tying the knot, it's definitely more a norm than a deviation from it! Though I can't help wondering why. Is it because we have been conditioned to believe that it's something inevitable? 'Coz it's seen as a part of 'socially acceptable' living? ...'coz that's what people do?

I have nothing against marriage. In fact I fantasize quite a happy one for myself. But in my fairy-tale infested mind I'd like to believe that people should marry when they find someone they think they can spend the rest of their life with (...or at least a considerable part of it!). And it shouldn't be a conscious search. Like, if it happens, great. If it doesn't, no big deal. Your life shouldn't rest on it.

So yea, marry if you want to. (Personally the idea all but freaks me out!). But don't be deluded by outrageous arguments such as 'if not now, then never'. Who says so?! Who is limiting us? And why are we letting them? Why can't I find love at 30? Or 45? What renders me un-marriageable after 26?? Don't let the numbers get in the way! Even biological clocks can be managed ;)

I Hate Luv Storys

NOTE: The following review is a result of the author's unfailing love for everything Karan Johar makes and everything Imran Khan features in.

After ages, a movie that calls for a review! Okay not a review review...but there's so much to say about the movie. Definitely more than the 140 characters that twitter provides for :P

From the minute I saw its first promo, I was suuuuuper excited about seeing the movie! It was such a slick n well-made teaser! But then, these days we have promos looking better than the actual movie! Luckily, it did not disappoint :)

IHLS is as typical as a Hindi movie can get without boring you to death. It's your regular chick-flick: 1.cynical boy meets dreamy girl 2.they fight incessantly till one day they end up friends 3.girl falls for boy only to realize he's not quite at the same place 4. boy falls for girl only to realize SHE is now back with the ex 5.a lot of drama n song-n-dance later...both of them are finally at the same place at the same time! And then it's happily ever after :)

Just the way I like it :) :D With all the prettiness that comes with a Karan Johar production. Good looking people..funny punchlines...relate-able humor. The entire package. The lead pair looks terrific together. It's asking for too much to expect them to act as well! ;) Imran Khan looks super uncomfortable dancing...n mosta the time you have to take a guess as to what exactly his expression meant. But hey! He is awfully cute :) 10 on 10 for cuteness. And he's gotten better in comparison to Jaane Tu and Luck...so there's definitely scope for improvement! My opinion that he would make a better Edward than Pattinson has been reinforced! Maybe they deliberately gave him that look. Dunno. But if anyone can pull it off, it's him!

As for the other half of the 'lead pair'...well, I wish I could say she has improved too :( Pretty face. Can't act for nuts. Yet. We will pray for her to get better.

The good part is, the supporting actors are all very good. Right from Ketaki Dave to Samir Soni. And Huzefa from Rishtadotcom (dunno his name). Umm...not Samir Dattani though ;) And the best part is the dialogues! Super funny. Mostly cheezy. But had me crackin' up all the time!

All in all, a good film. PERFECT if you ask me. If melodrama and predictability gets on your nerves though, you'd best avoid it.

I've stopped counting the months and days and weeks...

time has passed by quite inconsistently since you left

it's been days since I last sobbed for you

or has it been weeks?

life reminds me of you

death reminds me of you

reminds me of the helplessness i felt that day

the helplessness that i continue to feel...

i know you had to go one day

i knew it would be tough

but 'tough' doesn't even start to describe how it feels

i don't want you to see me cry

i hope you are busy making new friends...

but i also hope you think of me sometimes

i hope you wait up till it's time for me to come up there

so we can be together again

so that i get to say sorry for everything i didn't do

for everything that i did...

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions. I am a firm believer in live-n-let-live. Despite trying very hard though, I just can't seem to digest the prejudices people have! And that too such unfounded prejudices. I have a tendency to take offence at the slightest racist comment. Somehow, it seems like a personal insult. 'Coz I know at least one person belonging to the culture/community/group in question. And the instinctive loyalty eggs me on. How can I let someone get away with such an insulting remark about HER/ HIM? I tend to take things too personally. I guess that's not the smartest thing to do. But then, how can I let someone get away with something I know has no basis in reality! Outrageous assumptions, or rather generalizations, from people about things they have no clue about just get to me!

Stereotypes that I'm most touchy about -

1. Homosexuality is abnormal.

2. Muslims cannot be trusted

And anything about

3. 'South Indians'

4. Women

Gettalife ALREADY!

One day it's a student out with a 'friend'. The other it's a working woman out 'late'. Yet another day it's a hapless 5 year old who is where she should ideally be the safest - 'home'!

But safe is something that seems to be asking for too much when it comes to women. Each time a rape comes to light, so does the disturbing public opinion. She should have been more careful. She should have avoided being out so late. She shouldn't have dressed that way. She should have bloody well not been a woman!! It's outrageous how people veryyyy conveniently blame the victim. So, FYI, NO girl wants it. NO girl ASKS for it. No matter how she is dressed. No matter where she is. No matter what time it is. I agree it's best to be vigilant at all times, to take adequate 'precaution'. But that's just a way to avert the crisis for a while and not the solution itself!

'You hear about all these rapes all the time, why do you have to be out so late?' Well, you also hear about people dying in road accidents all the time. Doesn't stop you from driving like a maniac anyway, does it? And this is no way the same anyway! Please stop being such pigs about women's dignity. You will never really know what it is like till it happens to someone too close for comfort. And I really hope it never comes to that.

An Evening in Paharganj

Paharganj is one of those areas in your city that you always 'hear about' from people who are not from here. Yesterday was the first time that I went there. And honestly, before this, hadn't ever thought of visiting the place. So it was with a mix of apprehension and curiosity that I went there.

Apparently, the easiest way to get there is to park you car at the Ramakrishna Ashram Metro Station and walk down. But that's based on the assumption that you manage to get a spot in the overcrowded parking lot (No prizes for guessing that I didn't)! So, the best-er way is to take a metro from CP (or wherever). Enough about getting there though...

What I saw of Paharganj was a never-ending (or so Shilpa claims) road lined with Janpath-esque shops - colorful jholas and skirts, dingy artefacts and junk jewellery. But there was more to it. More than the cafes that lined the street. More than the hippie-looking phoren people. More than the pot-holed street that could barely be walked on. There is something about Paharganj that's eerie and welcoming at the same time. It's like a generous host who has a big smile and open arms but whose eyes warn you to not try and get too close.

After haggling for dirt cheap clothes (that looked second hand to say the least) we went to the (apparently) much talked about Sam's Cafe. The entrance makes it look like any other local cafe. Quite deceptive! 'Coz if you take it for what it first appears to be, you miss out on the best part - the rooftop seating area. It's on the third floor. And you HAVE TO see Dilli lit up from up there! Makes you fall in love with the city all over again :)

The staff lets you be. The crowd's mostly the backpacking kids. The menu looks extremely tempting. The food...uh...well, let's just say there's more to Sam's cafe than the food! ;)

safe or not?

From as long back as internet n chat-rooms (and now 'social networking') have been, there has also been loads written and said about the creepy things that can happen to you as a result of these. Back during the ICQ n Yahoo Chat days, I felt that these were just unfair apprehensions of parents to whom these were alien concepts. As any average adolescent, I was wary of the control my parents were allegedly trying to impose! But honestly, their fears don't seem so bizarre anymore. I mean, people DO get killed. Yea well, it is a 1-in-a-100 scenario. Maybe the odds are even bleaker. But still!

Then again, I have met some very awesome people through the same medium . And well, I have been quite lucky(came with its own share of heartache n disappointments of course)... No psychotic stalkers or rapists in disguise! So is it just pure luck? Or have I been smart enough to ward off the anti-social? I really don't know! At the same time, I don't vouch for online relationships for everyone. It's very easy to get swept away by something that could pretty well be a figment of your imagination. People who are too 'real' find this whole internet-as-a-means-of-meeting-new-people to be a waste of time. And for people who are too unreal, it's plain dangerous!

Hmm...which implies that only if you are smart enough like me ( ;) )...that is, a healthy mix of fantasy n reality, you are safe! But that's too much to ask for in every person. So, here's a few pointers:

1. As colonial as it may sound, stick to people who type good english (or whichever language u chat in!...bad grammar is such a turn off!)... In terms of 'net friends' at least, this is a sure-shot way of weeding out people I know I can do without!

2. Steer clear of people who seem overly enthusiastic

(a combination of the above points make sure you are saved from the "lets do frandship" and "wanna hav fun" varieties)

3. There is no need to share personal info such as your name and whereabouts till you are sufficiently comfortable with a person. This includes phone numbers! :P Take it slow.

4. Do NOT encourage people who want to meet you even before they've had a chance to get to know you. The 'how will we get to know each other if we don't meet' argument is the lamest ever!

What else...what else....oh what the heck! There are no rules! Just use your head. And pray that you have my luck ;)

Draupadi

Mahabharat has been my favourite epic since forever. There is so much drama in it. And such solid grounding in reality nevertheless. The present-day-relevance is pretty hard to miss. And I guess the nature of the epic is such, that it can be interpreted for all times. Ageless. B.R.Chopra’s television series made it more accessible to an entire generation. Arjun, Bheeshma, Kunti, Duryodhan and Shakuni became household names thanks to the immensely popular series. I was mesmerised by it as a child. Smitten by the fancy bows-n-arrows and the now-gaudy costumes. Back then Draupadi was without doubt, a major character. But surprisingly, I had never given her much thought. I considered Arjun to be a loving husband. I saw Bheem as a noble person for bringing her blood from Dushasan’s thigh to quench her thirst of revenge. I knew she had been ‘apamaanit’. But never really felt for her.

Then I read this book by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni – Palace of Illusions, which brought the queen of Indraprastha to the forefront of my consciousness. The book is a piece of fiction based on another – the Mahabharat. Reading it is like seeing the Mahabharat upside-down! It presents Drauapadi’s point of view (a vantage point for looking at the way the Great War unfolded). Gives voice to her angst, her pain. And the best part is it does not reduce her to a mere victim of circumstances. It portrays her as someone who though bound by fate, makes her choices and stands by them. Who, despite losing more than she ever imagined, retains her pride and dignity. Even though she continues to commit mistakes, she is far truer about these than any of the nobler characters of the story. (Yudhishthir comes across just the way I’d always though him to be – a rule bound fool. Too ‘dharmanishtha’ for his own good.)

So, Draupadi, or Panchali, holds a special place in my heart. I think she epitomizes women, all women. Who fought odds, was humiliated, paid for others’ mistakes…but was resilient nevertheless. She is a symbol of all our stereotypes, yet manages to break the mould. Very feminine...at the same time, very in-your-face. She’s charming and brave...loving and shrewd...apprehensive and self-confident...

The author tries to convey time and again that her vengefulness marked her downfall. Perhaps it did. But what else is one supposed to do? Forgive and forget??? I think not! And that’s where the other interpretation for the great lady comes in. This play titled Draupadi – We Are So Different Now (stellar performances by Shivani Pasrich and others). It is a tale of a modern day Draupadi. Or what women today could learn from her. Visually it was very appealing. The background music was great too! The first half was quite convincing. The fierce protectiveness that she feels for Maya is quite believable. But then, Draupadi decides to forgive, to let go. I, for one, do not buy the logic. Well, for someone who has burnt for vengeance for centuries, and whose wrongdoers are long dead, it’s alright. But a woman who was raped by her own brother-in-law? To forgive him within a lifetime is quite unfathomable for me. And why should she? The play shows Maya (the other girl) as a calmer, more fulfilled person after forgiving. Before that, she was shown to be one frustrated and ever-angry woman who could think of nothing but the bad guy’s destruction. Perhaps that isn’t the best way to deal with the stuff. And perhaps, at some level, I agree with Draupadi about not letting the desire for revenge rule your existence. However, ‘forgiving’ someone who has caused you so much pain is something I can’t really digest. Why is it expected out of women to be forgiving? Is the feeling of revenge not encouraged in women for it is seen as a masculine quality? Is it only men who have the right to indulge in settling of scores?? If you have been wronged, violated...don’t sit back and forgive. It’s high time we stopped exalting practices that confirm men’s self-serving biases and make women feel inferior!

Unconditional love

Unconditional love – it’s quite something, isn’t it? I, for one, find it an immensely potent concept. Something which has the capability to make the most unlikely person thrive; something that I wish each person would experience in his or her lifetime. I claim to love my friends and family unconditionally. But how unconditional is this love, actually?

Is there any such thing as unconditional love? As a concept, it sounds immensely powerful. But in reality, does is even exist? Unconditional positive regard, yes, I’m willing to accept. But I have my doubts about the former. The people I claim to love unconditionally, do I really? I do love them a LOT, but that is not to say that I don’t expect anything in return. If nothing else, I expect to be loved back unconditionally. That itself negates the very basis of the concept, doesn’t it?

I was telling a friend of mine how another super-close friend had fallen almost outta touch over the last few months, when I thought I needed her the most.. And something he said struck a chord…he said..whatever happened to unconditional love? Are they just two words that have ceased to mean anything? That kinda jolted me outta my self-pitying state. Whatever she was doing or not doing…did it have to affect the way I felt for her? Does my love for her depend on anything? On the number of times we speak? On the amount of info we have about each other’s lives? Even if she never called again, would that change the fact that she has been a super friend to me always? He said I should just let her be. Maybe there are things going on in her life that do not allow her to be as much in touch as before. Does that change everything?! I don’t think so. Sometimes the most common-sense things need to be spelled out!

Women's Reservation Bill

I am not very well informed about all things 'political'. But as far as common sense, and my personal opinion go, I think this one-third reservation for women in the parliament is a step in the wrong direction. Shouldn't the focus be on 'empowering' women to rise to the positions of MPs and MLAs, rather than serving the opportunity on a platter?! And if our past is anything to go by, the situation's not gonna be much different from the lot of SCs, STs and OBCs! No amount of quotas have made their condition better. In fact, barring a few, they continue to languish in poverty; and if anything, their condition only worsens!

I don't see what good having 33% women in the parliament in going to do. Whatever happened to gender equality? This bill sends out a message that women are weak and can't really make it to mainstream politics without a crutch. So hey, instead of teaching them how to walk, let's distribute some fancy wheel chairs! Such a shame!

What needs to be enforced is nomination of candidates on the basis of merit. Irrespective of whether they are a man or woman. And if the so called 'education system' does its part, this should not be much of a problem, right? I know the solution isn't simple. But that's the whole point! Instead of looking for quick-fix remedies, we should be focusing on the bigger picture...

One of the newspapers featured a story on how celebs who endorse hockey have failed to turn up for the matches. I found it quite amusing. I mean, it's nice that the Hockey World Cup has got as much publicity as it has. But, dude! It's come like a month before the actual event. What did they expect?! People who are sports fanatics (like most men in my family) will follow any sport whatsoever, publicity notwithstanding. But non-sport people (like me) or even people committed to a particular game for ages, are not gonna develop an interest in hockey overnight! So holding Sehwag or PC responsible for its mediocre popularity is lame (if not funny)! And the argument that filmstars show up for IPL matches n not hockey ones is sooooo silly. Hello! Surely there's some difference between appearing in an ad for a product and owning a team?!

Though all this silly-ness apart, hockey IS our national game. Hope it gets its due!

I am crazy about movies. Especially Hindi movies. And contrary to popular belief, I read only HT City/Delhi Times/ Brunch. Oh not to forget What's Hot! hehe...

It's no secret that I adore Imran Khan's weekly columns. The guy is actually very good at it. Hence, even though I didn't think he'd actually read it, I sent him a mail. Mentioned my blog in it too. And guess what????? He actually mentioned that in his column this week!!!!!!! How cool is that!!???? Here are his exact words: "Aditi, I actually remember you messaging me on twitter... but you don’t tweet very often. I checked out your blog, I like the way you write. Kind of has a similar feel to my style, I think (minus the emoticons). You should write more frequently, though."

Ahhh.......feels like I've died n reached heaven. This is even better than the 80% discount at Landmark!

The rational part of me says that since half the world's girls are called Aditi (Exaggeration is my middle name btw), and the reply so vague...it could be addressing anyone. And it's not necessary that the real guy does the replying no? Must be some overpaid assistant. But being rational is so DULL. How many Aditis write blogs n don't 'tweet too often' and use a lotta emoticons??? (Rational me: Quite a few). Oh shut up rational me!!!

What do you hate?

I hate terrorism. Whatever anyone's justification about the 'validity' of such acts...i just hate it. I was asked sometime last year what was it that I hated the most. I'd said (without giving it much thought) that I found quite a few things unpleasant. But hate..no. Just after uttering the sentence though, i knew it wasn't true. Some things deserve hatred. You just cannot be 'mildly disturbed' about certain things. Terrorism figures on the list. It's a subpoint of gross injustice!! So, what i hate most is INJUSTICE. Of any kind. How do i justify the fact that innocent people Die. Just like that. Ugghh.

Hating people is no good though. But then, I have a feeling that this belief holds for as long as my fragile world is intact and free of the cracks n fissures caused by events like those of 26/11 and German Bakery :(

1st Week at Gym

Day 1 - Indifferent
Day 2 - "Yes! At this rate I'm gonna be all svelte by the end of this month!"
Day 3 - Ache n stiffness in non-existant body parts..."I think I'll give this fitness thing a miss"
Day 4 - Panting n huffing..."This has to get better!"
Day 5 - The stiffness is gone...on the road to fitness. "Yahoo!"
Day 6 - "Help!!!! The instructor's trying to kill me!!!"

what goes on within

They tell me I should talk.

I wish I could. I wish I had words to voice what I feel.

They say talking would make me feel better, lighter – I’d give anything to get rid of the crushing weight that now seems to be permanently latched to my heart.

But it is not so much lack of desire to talk, as the inability to express what’s going on within. If I had words for those feelings, I would speak. But the images that haunt me are…inexplicable. Hurt, anger, grief, betrayal…these words seems just so…inadequate!

I remember things as they had been not too long ago. Vivid pictures of what was not my ‘past’ but ‘present’…these pictures are too clear to be real. Other memories fade, but these stand out. Like they were shot on an especially superior film…or painted in the most brilliant colors. Perhaps my mind adds dimensions of its own, making everything else seem drab in comparison.

The pain – if that’s what this is, has me in its hold. They say I look like a tortured being. Maybe they are right…I haven’t had the heart to look at myself in days. Someone recently mentioned that I looked ‘broken’. That’s closer to how I feel.

They tell me I will heal. I wish I could hope, but all I see is jagged wounds. Or are those scars that are healing?

She hates being alone

She can’t stand crowds

Paradox, you may say

But I understand somehow

The two might seem different

But are more similar than apart

‘Coz loneliness

Is what lies at the heart.

Twilight

Braving friends’ /family’s don’t-tell-me-you-hadn’t-read it-till-now-comments…I recently read Twilight and the books that followed. And it’s safe to say, I haven’t been hooked-on to any series like this since Harry Potter! Of course, it is foolish to compare the two. I’m just talking about the addictiveness factor here. Having blackmailed everyone who’d read the books/seen the movies into not uttering a Word about it, when I was around…it was fun reading without having the slightest clue about what was next! Okay, I did know that Bella and Edward wouldn’t ‘die’ in the first three books...lol... But that was it.

So anyway, I loved the books. When I started out with Twilight, it seemed like your regular high-school drama. And essentially, that’s what it is – girl falls for the most unattainable boy and by some sheer luck, boy falls for her too. Quite simple. So I was a li'l wary…coz hey! I have been outta high school for over half a decade now…But it wasn’t quite as run-of-the-mill as I expected it to be. By the time Edward realized that he was irrevocably in love with Bella, I had let my guard down and was totally enamored by the story. I just had to read the whole thing. The entire series was just so…'gripping’! (yes, the flavor is essentially teenage-romance, but what the heck ;) ) And after reading the draft of Midnight Sun (here), it felt kinda incomplete and frustrating to not have Edward’s take on everything!!! Let’s all request the author to do the entire series from his point of view! ;)

Out of the lot, Breaking Dawn is my favorite! I love the filmy flavor! :D n I louuuve Renesmee! Perfectly concluded! New Moon is great too (considering the sucker I am for happy-endings, this is no surprise). Bella’s insanity seemed so justified! Eclipse though was a super bummer. What with Jacob being a royal pain and Edward being frustratingly nice. Ughh. All the more reason why I wanted to know what he was thinking! You know, after a bit, I started feeling inadequate for not being able to read people’s thoughts! Haha…

As for the movie…the dumbest thing one can do with a movie adapted from a book is to expect it to live up to the book. It can’t. It mostly doesn’t. (Unless it is Namesake) So all I wanted to see was whether the characters looked like what I had imagined them to be...I wanted to see the Cullens... And I wanted to see what Forks was like. And the school they went to. And La Push…

I think it’s Stephanie Meyers fault :) She makes Edward seem so flawlessly perfect in the books that no one can possibly match up to the description. And Robert Pattinson…well, he is just too human! He’s a cute boy, no doubt…and I loved him as Cedric Diggory and love the connection with HP. But as Edward…nah-ah. But then, I don’t think anyone else would measure up either, so we’ll let that be. Bella was…pretty close. Though I had imagined someone more petite. The others pretty much fit the bill. Just that, weren’t vampires supposed to be white white? Bella and Esme were the same colour!

All this ranting apart, the books were a good distraction. When I really needed one. Do you notice how the time just before you fall asleep is the time you are only with yourself. I wouldn’t call that loneliness. But it’s a sorta not-so-great situation when you have a painful lot on your mind that you’re trying to push out of your consciousness.

Now that this is done, any more suggestions? I’m up for more distraction! :)

One reason why I don't do year-end posts is that usually I can think back to only a few months. Or rather, whatever's happened in the last few months overshadows the rest because of its recency. Same thing this year. But I came across this application called "My Year in Status" on Fb...and going through a year's statuses took me to places I had all but forgotten. So much happened this year. Major things that could have entire posts dedicated to them. Also a few seemingly inconsequential ones that made the year what it was. That make me what I am. And since the application wouldn't let me publish all my statuses, I am putting them up here. To remind me of the year that was. To make me see the :( as well as the :) 'Coz after going through the list...the year looked like there was more 'happy' than 'sad'...or maybe I just don't put up everything on Fb. Here are the highlights:

JANUARY

had d most unexpectedly cool start to the new year!

"if ur happy n u know it...la la la..."

mants m.a. to end alredy!!!!!!!

FEBRUARY

had a gooooooooood day :)

is in a strangely relaxed state ... (when i know i Shouldn't!)

hereby declares data collection as 'done' :D

MARCH

it's done! Feels great!

y cudn't m.a. end with the dissertation?!

"Holi is my fav festival again!"

today was niiiiice :)

white noise

is happy again *grin* *grin*

loves south campus library

we should have earth hour every weekend!

saw ducklings today! real ones! which swam!

APRIL

personality type: procrastinating :(

messed up :|

maybe i'll worry for the next viva...

there was egg curry n veg biryani in canteen today!

is addicted to word challenge now... (damn y have i been gettin such a crappy score?!)

finally a respectable score on word challenge! phew! :D

a week-long brek...just when it'd started feeling like exams!

ToP, PMS and an upset stomach...quite a week!

current addiction: ht blogs.

wants to vote. for no one.

y can't a draw be a draw?! :(

has never been so sick of exams before

almost done with m.a. n baby sister all chic-type on fb...i feel ooooold

"i gave my first ever job interview today!" :)

MAY

looking fwd to this week :) and the ones that'll follow :)

words of wisdom: sometimes, it's best 2 jst shut up!!

super messed up with 'time' but still on fb...

ah! Gazalee... :D

is enjoying the much needed time-out. life's good :)

time just seems to fly in pune!!! just yday it looked like i had a week...now i can barely see a couple of days more! sheh!

JUNE

is back...back to my pink comp...back to unlimited wireless internet..back home! :D

is berozgaar

bye-bye for a while..i think ;)

time travelled for the first time ever! yay!

has never bin away from FB for so long!! (pawan r u listening?? :P )

"when in Rome, do as Romans do"...umm...uhhh...wat exactly do romans do???!

is gna take bk loadsa memories n a few good friends from the euro tour...

the buildings here seem right outta a harry poter movie! (one of them actually is)

how would u feel if a random box of chocolates turned out 2 b the yummiest liquor chocs ever! :D

thank you-please-thank you please-thank you -thank you-please...ughh!

is feeling nostalgic for no reason.

JULY

Back n totally lukkhi

is off to Jaipur

GO SID!! Ice Age rocks!! :)

is super relieved! Thank u Roddick!!

it's unethical to switch off ur fone on ur bday!!!!!!

♪♪ ajj din chadheya.............tere rang warga.....♪♪

delhi's got rains :) d nice non-muggy ones finally! :)

needs 2 c HP6 b4 the whole world forms an opinion against it! half the world's alredy there...

:) :) :)

WILL find work!

ritesh said "being unemployed is the last module of your course" :)

loves everything that's got anything 2 do wid harry potter :D

AUGUST

my lappy is beemar..boohooooo :'(

shahid kapoor is (currently) eyecandy of the highest order!

Tried reallyyyyy hard to like Love-aaj-kal..bt alas!

bombay actually seemed nice last night...maybe coz i kno im gna be outta here soon :)

swine flu go away!!

they held up shahrukh khan..hawww!

thank u skype :) yday was fun!!!

our DC videos r soooooooooo much fun to watch!!! hilarious!!! :D :D

drained............

unemployed no more! yippeeeeee! :D

SEPTEMBER

no comp..no fb. y did i want to get a job?!

its raining! its raining! and i can hear it in my room! :D

sleepy sunday :)

bunny's bday 2moro! yay :D

stuffed!!!!!! big chill never disappoints :D

gets put off by the mention of religion in places where it shouldn't be considered important

joined twitter [n im 'following' imran khan :D ]

sleep's on my mind. Sunday is NOT weekend...working saturdays r terrible terrible things!

needs serious deaddiction from fb!

DD turned 50 :) I wish it was still as good. I wish there was anything as good!

giggly girls all the way! :D

been all smiles all day :) well, almlst all day ;) id mubaraq yall!

bright new day...it better b good! ;)

yay yay yay! festive season's here :) n a TWO day weekend!! :D

kehte hain jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai. really?

OCTOBER

"iktara" from Wake Up Sid...wow....

"सुन रही हूँ सुध बुध खो के कोई मैं कहानी ..पूरी कहानी है क्या, किसे है पता........ मैं तो किसी की होके, ये भी न जानी, रुत है ये दो पल की या.... रहेगी सदा" awwwww :)

winter will b here...sometime! ;)

wake up sid: movie of the year!!!! i looooved it !! :D the euphoria will last for a while ;)

diwali time! :D

wats worse...shallow or hollow?

diwali is sooooo colorful :) love the lit up houses all over! :) :)

i DON'T get the point of working on a festival day! I don't LIKE the idea of working on a festival day!!!!

is a happy person today

has a PLAN. Well...kinda! ;)

dis aquarium thing has such spooky music! n so many ppl on it alredy!

NOVEMBER

evry1's going away in november! :(

Zzzzzzzzz..........

i dont c wat ne1 can c in ne1 else...but u.....!

such an exciting match! n still such a bummer :(

spent the day doing what i'm best at...lazing around :)

it's mryn's bday!! :) :) :)

mindless movie+3giggly girls+nice weather = a sunday well spent :)

i'm in love with the songs from Ajab prem ki watever watever!

thoko-d PCR van!

Saloni Taneja I love u! thnx for makin me feel less foolish!! ;)

should waste less time being blue. like Mrynal Seewooruthun says, we should remembr that blue is also for sky n sea ;)

thank u god for the world so sweet. thank u god for the food we eat. thank u god for the birds that sing. Thank You God For EVERYthing!

every1 sez i should think of all the happy moments we had with him...all i can think of is the fact that there won't be any more of those :(

DECEMBER

madhuri's back :)

i'm so relieved it went well. Banashree Deka- i'm gna miss inkblot!

farmville wouldn't open! :( stupid stupid connection!!!

'mess' seems like an understatement.

Saloni's play at Sri Ram Centre today at 6!!

******************************************************************

That's too long already...but there are other things that didn't get mentioned...like the fact that Shweta had a baby boy and Svet got married! like my brother is back to delhi for good. and more...

I will always associate this year with losing Dennis. But there was more to it...so much more.