She sat with her back to the rest of them. She stared at her screen, listening in to every single word they said. Mentally joining the conversation with witty come backs and silly anecdotes. She did not mean to eves-drop. She was struggling to find the balance between cool and needy, awkward and self-assured, confident and anxious. Every. Single. Moment.

She hesitated to join the conversation - often wondering if it would be rude. Worried that they would suddenly go quiet, again. So she pretended to be busy. Typing or reading. All the while waiting for some cue to join in. Half-hoping that they would ask her a question, easing her way into the discussion. That never happened though. After a few minutes, she became supremely conscious of the fact that she was the only one in the room who was silent. Who was not 'included'. Maybe they were talking about her? Gesturing about how weird she was to always be quiet. If only they could hear the turmoil she experienced.

Every day she told herself that she would make an effort, that she wouldn't care about a possible reaction, that she would just be herself. But she WAS being herself. She was shy, and reserved and self-conscious. She didn't want any special treatment, she just wanted them to be a little welcoming. Maybe it was unrealistic to wish for this. After all, it was not their job to make her comfortable. She had to do it for herself. But it just wasn't happening. She had to admit she was doing better than before. She didn't feel her heart pounding out of her chest every time she heard her colleagues start a conversation. Initially it was the dilemma of whether or not to join the conversation. Now it was the pressure of not creating an impression that she was...that she was someone weird and rude and mean and didn't care to join them in their talks.

The people who knew and loved her couldn't understand. They were unable to comprehend why someone so cheerful and friendly was finding it so challenging to fit in. Truth was, she was not sure herself. Yet this was the reality she lived with every day. It was not a catastrophe. It was not like her world was crashing down. Yes, she was uncomfortable. But she knew she would get used to the discomfort too. Perhaps that scared her more than anything.

Why "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil" was a disappointment

More than anything else, this movie was a disappointment for the sheer lack of depth! Whether it was the lead actors or their love interests...for me, not a single character was gripping. And that's a shame because the story had potential. It was not a new story, though it looked at the 'same old' from a slightly different angle. Instead of looking at boy meets girl and they lived happily ever after, I believe the attempt here was to hero unrequited love...or 'iktarfa pyaar'!
However, there's a difference between heroing Raja from Saagar versus Rahul of Darr. For no matter how cute the guy is, no is a no. Perhaps the disappointment is so much more since Pink had helped us refocus on the all important discourse on consent. And here we are, back to square one! Whether it is a crude moneyed guy from Haryana or a jet-setting Londoner, no matter where you are, who you are, forcing another person to reciprocate, either physically or emotionally, IS abuse.
So technically, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil champions the cause of Ayaan - an emotionally 'vulnerable' 30 year old - who just won't take no for an answer. Not when the girl says she wants to be friends 'only'; not when she marries the man she loves; not when she tells him she will never feel 'that way' for him; not when she slaps him. So this man is either has a huge sense of entitlement and just doesn't comprehend the concept of rejection. OR, he is just really dense. Owing to my love for Dharma Productions and all things Karan Johar, I tried reallllyyyyyyy hard to give this movie the benefit of doubt. But bro, this isn't 1985! We don't live in that era anymore! (It was amusing to see the likes of Ritesh Deshmukh and Hrithik Roshan tweeting in praise of the movie and the "performances". Seriously guys?)
Despite all of this, the movie does pull off some lovely songs with great lyrics. And beautiful people in beautiful places wearing beautiful clothes. The Urdu dialogues took it a bit too far though. Sounded like they were trying too hard. A few here and there would have been charming, but the way Aishwarya Rai's character Saba spoke was pretty hard to follow!! Perhaps the only somewhat sensible thing that happens in the movie is her breaking up with Ayaan!
Despite my rant, I don't think the movie is BAD like some posts on Fb make it out to be. It doesn't manage to get you hooked like a KHNH or K3G, but well...you need Shahrukh Khan to be around for  more than a couple of minutes for that to happen I guess :D

Fire

It scared her, how much she craved for his attention. For years, she had shrugged off his advances – always putting up a mock agitated front to all the flirting. She didn’t deny that she liked him. He knew it too. And they often talked about the strange bond they shared. Having never met, they had managed to maintain this ‘relationship’ for over a decade. Mindless conversations, harmless flirting... long hours spent talking about nothing and everything. It wasn’t as rosy as it sounds though. They had had their fall outs, lost touch for long spells of time. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, they ended up reconnecting; ended up reminiscing the good bits, happily forgetting the jarring reality.

One thing he made clear from the start: he was a married man. And no amount of flirting threatened his commitment to his family. She appreciated this. Perhaps even respected him for it. But it was hard to keep track of her own feelings. He had a way with words. He had a way of making her feel special. And invariably, she felt guilty. In her head, what she was doing was not right. Her values warned her against it. Yet she was drawn to him again and again.

The scene was different now. Many years had passed, and having been through her share of relationships, a little more immune to his charm. But his messages still made her smile. He still had an inexplicable hold over her. She flirted back without hesitation. Fully aware that this is what they would be, for as long as they remained in touch. And even if they stopped talking, the world would not come to an end.

This went on for a couple of years. They talked on and off. Sometimes about their partners, sometimes about each other. His messages sometimes took a sexual overtone. She hated it when he spoke to her like that. Not because she didn’t like him. But she felt angry. Angry that it affected her; that she wondered whether he meant any of it. Her rational self knew he probably said that to a dozen other girls. And even if he didn’t, how did it matter? She scolded herself for paying heed to his nonsense. But despite everything, she couldn’t break away from him. 

As long as she was able to label this as light-hearted fooling around, things were OK. But it didn’t stay that way. It happened around the same time that her relationship with her partner had hit a rocky patch. A break-up followed cruel words and angry tears.

She was not happy. And she would not let anyone know. Perhaps out of vulnerability, perhaps as a result of years of repressed feelings... for reasons she did not want to dwell on, she found herself turning to him more. The romance and warmth she found missing from her life, she looked for it in their interactions. A part of her warned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak all over again. She knew there were limits. She had no intention of being the 'other woman'. She knew she was playing with fire. It scared her, but it also lit up something within her. An excitement that was addictive. She recognized that, for the first time, she wanted more. 

हर कोई उठा ले अगर
अपनी खुशी का ज़िम्मा
कई कांधों को मिलेगी
इस बोझ से राहत

She was trying to speak between violent sobs. And I was directing all my energy to my ears, struggling to comprehend her words. Three things became evident pretty soon. She was in distress. She was in a vulnerable place. And she was desperate for help. I was petrified to be on the receiving end of this 'crisis call'. To be absolutely honest, in the first few moments when all I could hear was a wailing woman, I contemplated hanging up on the pretext of not being able to hear what she said. I am not sure whether it was fear of being pulled up if the call was audited or something more meaningful that made me hang on. I would like to believe it was the latter!
She said she wanted to end her suffering. That it was getting too much to bear. I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. She refused. My heart sank to my toes when she told me of her plan as well as access to means for harming herself. There are knives in the kitchen, she admitted quietly. I was at a loss for words. My mind seemed to have slowed down. A voice inside me was screaming, say something! Anything! You have to save her! 'But how?' asked a smaller, more timid voice.
After what seemed like forever, I told her not to go to the kitchen as long as we were on phone together. To my immense relief, she agreed! She started to share her heart-breaking tale. I wanted to comfort her. To reassure her. Yet, I was at a complete loss of words. I probably asked some mindless questions. I can't be too sure. She said something about writing a letter to her daughter and 'ending it'. Before I could react, she hung up!
I have never been more disappointed and scared at the same time. With alarm bells ringing in my head, it seemed as though every single nerve in my body was taut with tension. My manager suggested I call her again. She rejected the call. I tried again. And this time she picked it. Relief, nervousness, fear...I felt it all at once - electrifying my very being. I tried to keep this out of my voice, and requested her to stay with me. 'Don't talk if you don't want to,' I said, 'but stay on line with me please.' Again, to my immense relief, she agreed.
The 20 odd minutes that followed, till we connected her with her mental health worker, were... I don't really have words for what they were. I wanted her to know how much I wanted her to live. But I didn't know how to. She said she was scared. I wanted to say 'so am I'. Instead, I tried being strong for her. Tried distracting her and 'holding' her. Every few seconds I repeated her name and asked if she was there. Every time I asked her to take a deep breath, I did too. I wonder what that was like for her. Was she feeling frustrated by my feeble attempts? Or was she grateful to have another person with her in this? Either way, I am immensely grateful to her for letting me be with her. For my sake more than hers. Because I know how badly this would have haunted me if I did not have the reassurance that she was in safe hands.
That was then. I have no way of knowing what happened after. Did she get the much needed support? Did things get any better for her? I don't know. But I am hoping that she knows, that she is not alone. Then again, I wonder, what was my desperation all about. Was it because I didn't want her to kill herself on 'my watch'? Or because I genuinely wanted her to live. Either way, it was a draining experience. And I am glad she called in.

"What are you into?"

"So...apart from psychology, what are you into?"

I was asked that at a party recently. By one of the husband's new friends. Someone I barely know. Me being me, my first reaction was feeling irked at his assumption. Who was this man to assume I was into psychology :P And having asked me the same evening whether I could read faces, he wasn't exactly on the top of my charts. Well, that being said...his question stumped me. Like a lot of other times in a social situation, I felt completely blank. I did not answer at all. For the sole reason that I could not think of an answer!

Someone then said something else. The conversation steered away from me (to my enormous relief!) and the party went on. Hopefully no one noticed my awkwardness. But the question didn't leave me. What am i into?! I am probably too dull to be passionate about anything. I enjoy a lot of things. Reading. Writing. Watching movies. Humming songs. But am I "into" any of these things? I don't know!

I have been thinking about it ever since. I am into happiness. I am a sucker for laughter and love and pleasure. I don't feel comfortable saying that to an almost stranger. Is that weird?
I love greenery. I love the wind. I love the warmth of sunlight. I love the fresh fragrance of wet mud (even if its from washing a neglected verandah!). I love holi. I love food. I love sleeping. I love cleaning. I love counselling. I love colours. I love hot chocolate. I love a window ledge where I can curl up with a book. I love tapping away on my laptop. I love feeling loved.

Sachin Tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar is a much  loved public figure. He must have something going for him if even people like me (with zero understanding of cricket) are die hard fans ;) No seriously, I love Sachin. He’s almost like Marmite, you can love him or hate him…but not ignore him! Even as a child, I thought of him as a powerful figure. Every time he got out, my brother would switch off the TV. In my house (and I’m guessing mine’s not the only one), the match ended when Sachin left the crease.

He’s an admirable sportsperson. But more than that, I love him for the way he has handled himself in public. With all the adulation and attention he has gotten over the years, AND all the criticism, any person could have lost their head. The current breed of ‘young celebrities’ (in sports and otherwise), more than prove my point! In a time when we see stars being created overnight, only to be forgotten in a fortnight, this man has maintained his position and dignity for almost two and a half decades. If that’s not admirable, what is?

Thank you Sachin, for raising the bar. Thank you for teaching a whole generation of Indians to dream and to strive to achieve that dream. And most of all, thank you for giving us a role model who showed us how to remain grounded in the face of the massive ups and downs!

Candid confessions of an amateur driver

I started learning how to drive soon after finishing 12th std in school. And thanks to the super flawed (read corrupt) system, got my drivers' license soon after. It wasn't until a good 3 years later though that I actually learned to drive!
So it's been roughly 6-7 years that I have been driving a car, in the real sense of the word. In conditions involving minimal or no supervision. Most importantly, in conditions involving other cars! Despite this I call myself an amateur driver. Here's a (non-exhaustive) list of why:

1. I cannot, for the love of God, manage reverse parking or parallel parking (or any form of parking apart from just driving into a parking lot!). It's not that I never tried. But after 5,6,7 failed attempts (at the same instance) and judgmental glares of bystanders, I kinda gave up.

2. I follow traffic rules. I drive within the speed limit, stop behind the "Stop line" at red lights, indicate every time I have to turn or change lanes, and keep honking to a minimum. Anyone living in Delhi (and probably most other cities in this country) who has ever done the same, will know the looks one attracts for doing this. I've got reactions ranging from bewildered amusement to downright irritation (sometimes from within my own car!) for doing something as routine as following traffic rules! So, if you can't break lanes and a few safety rules, you are no good as a driver.

3. I do not drive to win. I am mostly not in a rush. And even when I am, it doesn't make me feel like I've lost a race every time a car overtakes mine!

4. Even though I know I am perfectly capable of driving through crazy traffic, I get nervous at the very thought of doing so. I am happiest if offered a lift!

5. If ever required to lead another car (ok that doesn't happen so often coz my awesome sense of direction ;) ) I end up feeling guilty for slowing them down and am actually relieved to allow them to speed ahead as soon as we reach a familiar route!

6. I have tears running down my face at the slightest hint of confrontation and/or judgment from a fellow driver.

7. I am very cautious about Not reinforcing people's beliefs about women being lousy drivers. And every time I make a blunder I feel weighed down by the guilt of having let down womankind!

8. I need a minimum of 30secs to recall which lever opens the fuel tank and which one opens the bonnet...It's happened more than once that I've completely forgotten, much to my embarrassment, to open the fuel tank door!

I recently drove on the highway for the very first time. The driving on traffic-less Mumbai-Pune expressway doesn't count, does it? And I was struck by how Mean people can get on the road!! Everyone wants to get ahead. Everyone wants to stop the others from getting ahead. Specially people with cars. Truck drivers were surprisingly nicer! Weaving my way through what seemed like millions of trucks and trailers, it dawned upon me that even though I don't completely suck at this...driving isn't something I'd ever take up as a hobby! Coming from a family where practically everyone loves to drive, this is almost shameful. Well, almost.

I want to write today

I want to write today. Even though I don't know about what. Maybe because the weather is good...at least under the fan next to an open window :) Maybe because after a long time, I've had some alone time. For all my love of people, I need to switch off sometimes. But mostly, I think it's the weather and the non-agenda-ness of the day.

So well...I was reading a blog post/review about Ye Jawani Hai Diwani just now. Usually, I'd find this sort of writing amusing. Today, it just irked me. It is witty no doubt. And going by the over-enthusiasm of the "comments" that follow, it seems to have hit a chord with a lot of people. Why did it irritate me then? Is it because I loved the movie? Or because it belongs to a genre that is - almost as a rule - ridiculed by people my age (at least the ones I know)? I'm not sure. But here's a piece of my mind...

I think it's fantastic that movies like YJHD are made. They make me happy. I love to see good looking, well dressed people mouthing witty lines. I like to see opulence. I like happy endings (no I don't want to dwell on what happened after the first kiss). I like movies which don't have deprivation or depravation as a central theme. Coz quite simply, I see enough of that in real life. People watch movies for a lot of different reasons. And I respect each reason, no matter how ridiculous it seems to me. So if I don't laugh at your lust for a Marvel superhero, you don't have any right to mock my Dharma/YRF heroes either!

I watch movies to be mesmerised ..to soak in a larger than life melodrama...to relish a tale highlighting (and exaggerating) human emotions. I just  LOVE love stories! Specially those with happy endings :D Add a peppy "balam pichkari" and a soulful "kabira" to it...and I am in entertainment heaven :) So...let the cynics mock away while I dip my toes in the familiarity of Bollywood masala...

Taking away a bit of Keele...

It's my last night in Keele. And probably, no one is interested in this...but it's been a whole year since I first got here. Wow.

I've grown to love this place. And not just my room or my block, but the campus. Which felt so alien and huge when I arrived. It's home now. Or at least, the first place where I've truly been 'on my own'. It was all that I wanted it to be. It was a place where I knew no one, where no one knew me. A place where there were no 'expectations'...no 'responsibilities'. Apart from my own. I wouldn't claim to have become any more responsible than I was before coming here. But I sure have learned to take care of myself. And value a lot of things lotttt more than I did earlier. Like family. Like being able to speak English mixed with Hindi. Like...no, let's not go there. It's a loooooong list. And in my head, it's already turning from a 'things I've learnt to value' list to a 'things I miss' list! This is where I discovered my love for cooking (contemplated doing a post on that about a million times but that never materialised!). This is where I first saw my snow :) This is a place of tonnes of memories. Of hangovers and laughing fits and tears...

So anyway, coming back to the point. Less than 24 hours, and I'll be gone. Gone for good. I'll still be 'abroad'...but that's a new chapter. Another step away from my newly developed comfort zone. No more late night walks around campus. No more mid-night trips to KPA. No more Select-n-Save. No more collecting post n parcels. I'm realllyyyy gonna miss it. But this is not the end. I am taking away a bit of Keele with me as I leave. The green, the wind...the winding roads, the vacant parking lots...even the perpetually-choked kitchen sink ;)

They were right. Love:Keele.

:)

Amusement parks, really?

You must have heard of people's things-to-do-before-turning-30 lists. I don't really have one. In fact, I have a things-I-never-want-to-do-even-if-I-live-to-be-100 list! Yes, that's the sort of person I am. Lazy. Boring. And not the least bit thrill seeking!

So, no one was more surprised than I was when I went on some of the scariest rides in this amusement park called Alton Towers yesterday. I don't think they call them amusement parks anymore. 'Cause well, there isn't much that's amusing about them!! Appu ghar was an amusement park, yes. But Alton Towers? Nooo! Back to the point though...my decision to go on these life-threatening rides was shaped, not in any small amount, by recently having seen this movie called Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. That and a constant self-talk starting and ending with "darr ke aage jeet hai" is what saw me through it, to be very honest! And I would have been very proud of myself for some of the things I rode...if only I hadn't felt woozy n hungover for the whole day today!!! So in retrospect, it seems like such a waste!!

What surprised me is how there were hordes of people there who were loving every minute of those rides. What surprised me even more is that despite finding it extremely torturous, I went through with most of it! I still can't believe I did it...and I'm talking about weird roller coaster things that flip you upside down, hurtle you down a ninety degree drop and stuff like that! Basically what happened is that a person whose body is used to a leisurely - bordering on lethargic - existence was suddenly flung into this topsy-turvy frenzy...blood that has gotten used to complacently ambling around in slow cycles found itself rushing from head to toe to head and back again in a matter of seconds! I realized I have, as a friend of mine put it - "a slow heart". He meant weak, but slow fits the bill better! At the end of it, I was so shook up that on the bus back home, every time we went up or down a hill, I expected the bus to flip over n run in loops! No kidding!

embracing vulnerability

All that begins must come to an end...or at least change into something else. It is inevitable, right? Why, then, do goodbyes take us by surprise? Why is it so difficult to let go...to cope with change?

One of the reasons, for me, is the inability to come to terms with my vulnerability. I can't accept the fact that I feel so immensely vulnerable when someone leaves or when things change or look like they might...So, in order to not come across as clingy, I 'back-off before you have a chance to push me away'.

Being on this course has given me loads of opportunities to see get to know myself better. It's like having the spotlight focused not on, but within you...at all times. It does get overwhelming. Even a bit stressful at times. But largely, it is exhilarating. It is a heady feeling recognizing things about you that you knew all along but never really paid attention to...never realized what impact it was having on everything you did...

So, coming back to being vulnerable... We were shown this video in class a few weeks ago http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html and I hope you see it too...For me, it was one of those life changing things...like reading Who Moved My Cheese and The Alchemist...or like watching Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi.

I don't want to tell you what I got out of it...I don't want to contaminate what you could get out of it. But I really hope you watch it...and make sense of it in a way that works for you :)

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BUT, I will talk about it anyway (in the hope that you saw it before you read on..lol). One of the major things that came out of this for me was the realization about how strongly vulnerability was affecting the way I relate to everyone around me. How, I almost keep myself away from any 'risky' experience in order to 'protect' myself... and how this was in fact stemming from my fear of being 'unloved'. Like all other life-changing things I have stumbled across, this one has not transformed me into a new person overnight ;) But it has brought about a new awareness. So that now when I back off, I know what I am doing. And I try not to. It isn't a magical metamorphosis. It is definitely a move in a positive direction though...

It's one of the many wonderful things I have learnt while on this course. Wonderful, not painless. But I am thankful nevertheless.

Some people have this undeniably irritating quality. It's not any one thing...nothing that I can put my finger on. But there are times...rare times, when I come across someone and instantly start disliking him/her. I come across these 'disliked' people so infrequently, that by the time I meet one I have totally forgotten why I disliked the previous one! So I dunno if I dislike /get put off by the same things or whether it's a whole spectrum of traits!

Not too long ago, I met one such guy. Highly irritating to say the least! Instantly got on my nerves. In my defense, it's not like he wasn't trying. But that came later. The minute I saw him I went...uh oh...not my type. Don't get me wrong now. For all practical purposes, I don't even have a type. I am quite a nice n tolerant person (even if I do say so myself ;) ). And it's not often that I get so majorly put off by a person. But after the not-so-happy start things just went downhill. And anything he said felt like long fingernails being scratched across the blackboard. Seriously! And his voice quality had nothing to with it :P Whatever he said...or did...or didn't do....it just irked me so!

I tried being 'person centred' about it. Unconditional positive regard and all that. Didn't work. I tried ignoring him. Didn't work. I tried being mean to him. Ok, not tried, I was mean ;) Felt good for a bit...but didn't do much either!

I guess the best way would be to steer clear. For my wellbeing. And his :D

To label or not to label...?

All of us use labels. We label things. We label places. We label memories and experiences. But most often, we label people. Not everyone supports the notion though. Some go as far as claiming it to be a discriminatory practice. Is it?

I have been thinking about it. In a way, labels make life more convenient. For instance, if I label someone I know as 'outspoken but good at heart', I would know better than to take offence at every little thing they say. If I label a person as 'selflessly helpful', I know who to go to when I need a favour. Quite convenient, no? No. Because we end up labelling not only people we know, but also ones we barely have any clue about. This is when the harmless categorizing turns to vicious stereotyping. Come to think of it, this is the kinda labelling all those people are harping against!

Hmm...fine. So do we not label people at all? I don't think that's going to work! It's quite a necessary-evil kinda situation!

Then there's this whole issue about names of labels. So people with low IQ can't be termed as mentally challenged. People with schizophrenia can't be called schizophrenics. Fat people can't be called fat. Poor people can't be called poor. So we have terms like 'healthy' and 'economically disadvantaged' and god-knows-what-not to refer to these things. Aren't we just complicating simple stuff? I am all for equal rights and all that...and I'm not saying this just 'coz I'm worried about what Saloli might say! ;) ...but I'm the kind who believes in the 'a rose called by any other name would smell just as sweet' philosophy! We need to start respecting people. True. Irrespective of their health or monetary status. Irrespective of their colour, shape, social standing, gender and all possible categories along which we discriminate! BUT, calling them something else is not helping in anyone! People who referred to special children as "paagal" may not use the latter term any more (at least publicly), but there's hardly any change in perception! The paranoia continues. The misgivings are still in place.

Is it enough to blame the label for it then? What needs to change is not the name but it's connotation. Easier said than done, of course. But there are people working on it. Quite diligently. The least we can do is try to de-clutter our mind of the complex labels and look for the person behind it. It is just a tiny amount of extra effort. Wouldn't hurt to try :)