It's been over 4 years since Dennis died. He was just a little over 10 at that time. The good thing is, I can talk about him happily. Reminisce the years we spent with him. The not-so-happy part is…I still miss him soooo much!! Life would never be lonely if he was around. He'd keep me on my toes. He'd go crazy wagging his tail every time I returned home. He'd never let any moment be dull…
Sometimes I think of adopting a dog again. Now that the intense grief has subsided, maybe I am ready? But then I think of the time I lost Dennis. And the years that followed. I still cry when I think of that. I know so many people who have had numerous pets over the years. I am not saying they don't feel the pain when they lose a pet. But I can't imagine putting myself through it all over again. Then again…sometimes I wonder…maybe the unconditional love that a dog gives you makes the pain worthwhile? Maybe we need that sort of pain to be able to value love?
Losing Dennis was like losing a part of my life…a big furry chunk of it. I was in the 8th grade when we brought him home. It wasn't always easy having him around…but it was always fun. He was everything a dog should be - happy, friendly, loving, forgiving and always hungry :) He was probably what all people should be too!! Pretty soon, he became an indispensable part of my family and my life. Every morning, be greeted by his big goofy grin and a vigorous wagging of tail…if by chance I slept a little longer than usual he'd be on top of me…sniffing at my face and walking over me till I gave up and rolled out of bed. Till date, I hate waking up…but it wasn't so bad when Dennis woke me…I just couldn't be mad at him :)
A few years later, when my brother and I went off to college, I know for a fact that he played a Big role in helping my mum cope with the empty nest. He was the son who didn't abandon her. He was always there, no matter what. But then he wasn't. He got really sick. And the bleak possibility that he could die started materialising. It felt like the most awful time.
I still miss him so much.
Oct 16, 2014
Jul 5, 2014
love yourself
Love your self. Such a simple sounding sentence, yet turns out it to be one of the toughest things to do on most days. Do you find it difficult too?
I don't think it was this way for me earlier. But as I grow older, I find myself putting more conditions on myself. If I get a good job, I can love myself; if I can keep my partner happy, I can love myself; if I quit complaining, if I spend more time with my parents, if I get more clients, if I socialise more...if I this, if I that…you get the drift right?
The question is, do I need to be a certain way to love myself? Can't I just relax about who I am, accept me for the person I am? After all, I do it all the time for my counselling clients. Well, I know the answer. And sadly, even though it's a yes, it always feels like a no.
It could be because I am my strongest critic. Which is good in a way. But equally important is to be my own strongest champion. Because if I can't champion my own cause, who will? If I am not convinced that I am loveable, how can somebody else be convinced to love me? This isn't something we are new to. It's a pretty old concept to be honest. Nevertheless, a concept we need to remind ourselves of time and again.
It's easy to find fault in yourself. Easier still to resign to guilt. Knowing all these faults, yet believing that there is enough good in you to be loved for - that's not so easy! Despite being so good for you, it's so difficult to just BE. I know, I agree. But still, I am going to try this. I hope you do too.
I don't think it was this way for me earlier. But as I grow older, I find myself putting more conditions on myself. If I get a good job, I can love myself; if I can keep my partner happy, I can love myself; if I quit complaining, if I spend more time with my parents, if I get more clients, if I socialise more...if I this, if I that…you get the drift right?
The question is, do I need to be a certain way to love myself? Can't I just relax about who I am, accept me for the person I am? After all, I do it all the time for my counselling clients. Well, I know the answer. And sadly, even though it's a yes, it always feels like a no.
It could be because I am my strongest critic. Which is good in a way. But equally important is to be my own strongest champion. Because if I can't champion my own cause, who will? If I am not convinced that I am loveable, how can somebody else be convinced to love me? This isn't something we are new to. It's a pretty old concept to be honest. Nevertheless, a concept we need to remind ourselves of time and again.
It's easy to find fault in yourself. Easier still to resign to guilt. Knowing all these faults, yet believing that there is enough good in you to be loved for - that's not so easy! Despite being so good for you, it's so difficult to just BE. I know, I agree. But still, I am going to try this. I hope you do too.
Mar 25, 2014
A plane with over 200 people on board has been missing for two weeks. News reports today say that it has crashed and that there are no survivors. My heart goes out to the family and friends of the passengers and crew of MH 370.
It is a terrible tragedy. But there is something worse off than this. And that is what we have become. A couple of days after the aircraft disappeared, there was speculation regarding what could have gone wrong. Theories ranging from hijacking to alien abductions. Without a shred of evidence, news agencies and "experts" were making allegations about passengers' mental health and intent. The pilot and other crew on board were not spared either. I find that deeply disturbing. Yes, one tends to wonder what could have gone wrong in the face of such a mysterious disappearance. But making assumptions in the public sphere..tainting people's characters with such ease... What a sorry state to be in! In all probability, the crew and the people on board would have tried their very best to survive...to escape the fate that awaited them. But it seems as though sensationalism wins at the cost of sensitivity. What fun is it to imagine that a technical flaw occurred and the plane went down despite the pilot's best efforts? Nah! Sounds so much more exciting when you hint at sabotage. Ugh! Where is our decency? Our ability to face uncertainty by giving a little benefit of doubt!
It is a terrible tragedy. But there is something worse off than this. And that is what we have become. A couple of days after the aircraft disappeared, there was speculation regarding what could have gone wrong. Theories ranging from hijacking to alien abductions. Without a shred of evidence, news agencies and "experts" were making allegations about passengers' mental health and intent. The pilot and other crew on board were not spared either. I find that deeply disturbing. Yes, one tends to wonder what could have gone wrong in the face of such a mysterious disappearance. But making assumptions in the public sphere..tainting people's characters with such ease... What a sorry state to be in! In all probability, the crew and the people on board would have tried their very best to survive...to escape the fate that awaited them. But it seems as though sensationalism wins at the cost of sensitivity. What fun is it to imagine that a technical flaw occurred and the plane went down despite the pilot's best efforts? Nah! Sounds so much more exciting when you hint at sabotage. Ugh! Where is our decency? Our ability to face uncertainty by giving a little benefit of doubt!
"What are you into?"
"So...apart from psychology, what are you into?"
I was asked that at a party recently. By one of the husband's new friends. Someone I barely know. Me being me, my first reaction was feeling irked at his assumption. Who was this man to assume I was into psychology :P And having asked me the same evening whether I could read faces, he wasn't exactly on the top of my charts. Well, that being said...his question stumped me. Like a lot of other times in a social situation, I felt completely blank. I did not answer at all. For the sole reason that I could not think of an answer!
Someone then said something else. The conversation steered away from me (to my enormous relief!) and the party went on. Hopefully no one noticed my awkwardness. But the question didn't leave me. What am i into?! I am probably too dull to be passionate about anything. I enjoy a lot of things. Reading. Writing. Watching movies. Humming songs. But am I "into" any of these things? I don't know!
I have been thinking about it ever since. I am into happiness. I am a sucker for laughter and love and pleasure. I don't feel comfortable saying that to an almost stranger. Is that weird?
I love greenery. I love the wind. I love the warmth of sunlight. I love the fresh fragrance of wet mud (even if its from washing a neglected verandah!). I love holi. I love food. I love sleeping. I love cleaning. I love counselling. I love colours. I love hot chocolate. I love a window ledge where I can curl up with a book. I love tapping away on my laptop. I love feeling loved.
I was asked that at a party recently. By one of the husband's new friends. Someone I barely know. Me being me, my first reaction was feeling irked at his assumption. Who was this man to assume I was into psychology :P And having asked me the same evening whether I could read faces, he wasn't exactly on the top of my charts. Well, that being said...his question stumped me. Like a lot of other times in a social situation, I felt completely blank. I did not answer at all. For the sole reason that I could not think of an answer!
Someone then said something else. The conversation steered away from me (to my enormous relief!) and the party went on. Hopefully no one noticed my awkwardness. But the question didn't leave me. What am i into?! I am probably too dull to be passionate about anything. I enjoy a lot of things. Reading. Writing. Watching movies. Humming songs. But am I "into" any of these things? I don't know!
I have been thinking about it ever since. I am into happiness. I am a sucker for laughter and love and pleasure. I don't feel comfortable saying that to an almost stranger. Is that weird?
I love greenery. I love the wind. I love the warmth of sunlight. I love the fresh fragrance of wet mud (even if its from washing a neglected verandah!). I love holi. I love food. I love sleeping. I love cleaning. I love counselling. I love colours. I love hot chocolate. I love a window ledge where I can curl up with a book. I love tapping away on my laptop. I love feeling loved.
Feb 5, 2014
I have never been the sort of person who got along well with kids. I've never had a problem with them either. But I've kept my distance. Even as a child and teenager, when my peers would go gaga over babies (human and animal), I could only muster up a bleak smile. Why this indifference (bordering on aversion) I am not sure. But one thing I was sure of, I'm not a kids' person.
So when I was offered a job as a counsellor for primary school children, no one was more surprised than I was that I took it up. Even as I took up the offer, I was pretty sure I wouldn't last more than a few months. 'Just till something better comes along' I told myself. My belief that I was a misfit grew as I saw my colleagues work with children. They were completely at ease. They didn't seem to squirm at the thought of 'handling' 30 kids at once. Hell they even seemed to enjoy it. I was quite blatant in admitting that I am not a big fan of working with kids. As a response to which I mostly received stares of disbelief.
I'm a counsellor. I am most at ease when I'm in a room with a client. I love therapeutic work. And this part of my job I was thoroughly enjoying. Of course it isn't a fairytale, so there has to be a flip-side. Which was that apart from my individual sessions, I had to conduct whole class sessions with each section of each grade. Major panic inducing stuff. For the initial weeks I just dreaded these sessions! The happiest moments of my week would be when a session got cancelled or when a class had a lot of absentees!! Over time, I got more comfortable. I started to grow fond of the same children who had seemed like a menace in the beginning.
Almost a year and half later, when I quit, I couldn't believe how difficult it was to leave! I didn't want to leave. When the time to handover to the new counsellor came, I felt super protective of "my" children. How could I just let someone else take care of them! How could anyone else understand? Of course, I'm not indispensable. The objective, professional me knew that all along. But my impulsive side wanted to gather all the kids in a group hug n shoo away the new counsellor! lol
When I took this job, I did not mean to stay for as long as I did. And when I left, I felt like I hadn't stayed long enough. Today, I'm much more comfortable around children. I miss the kids I saw at work. But that's the occupational hazard of being a counsellor anyway!
So when I was offered a job as a counsellor for primary school children, no one was more surprised than I was that I took it up. Even as I took up the offer, I was pretty sure I wouldn't last more than a few months. 'Just till something better comes along' I told myself. My belief that I was a misfit grew as I saw my colleagues work with children. They were completely at ease. They didn't seem to squirm at the thought of 'handling' 30 kids at once. Hell they even seemed to enjoy it. I was quite blatant in admitting that I am not a big fan of working with kids. As a response to which I mostly received stares of disbelief.
I'm a counsellor. I am most at ease when I'm in a room with a client. I love therapeutic work. And this part of my job I was thoroughly enjoying. Of course it isn't a fairytale, so there has to be a flip-side. Which was that apart from my individual sessions, I had to conduct whole class sessions with each section of each grade. Major panic inducing stuff. For the initial weeks I just dreaded these sessions! The happiest moments of my week would be when a session got cancelled or when a class had a lot of absentees!! Over time, I got more comfortable. I started to grow fond of the same children who had seemed like a menace in the beginning.
Almost a year and half later, when I quit, I couldn't believe how difficult it was to leave! I didn't want to leave. When the time to handover to the new counsellor came, I felt super protective of "my" children. How could I just let someone else take care of them! How could anyone else understand? Of course, I'm not indispensable. The objective, professional me knew that all along. But my impulsive side wanted to gather all the kids in a group hug n shoo away the new counsellor! lol
When I took this job, I did not mean to stay for as long as I did. And when I left, I felt like I hadn't stayed long enough. Today, I'm much more comfortable around children. I miss the kids I saw at work. But that's the occupational hazard of being a counsellor anyway!
Wedding frenzy
I'm getting married in less than a fortnight. For almost the last three months, my family and I have been "preparing" for the wedding. Soon after the parents became involved in our relationship (i.e. maybe what one could call an unofficial Roka), I realised that fighting against a big fat wedding is a lost cause. So I decided to stop saying no to everything and enjoy the preparations. You may call that my excuse for splurging my parents' hard earned money ;)
The preparation - involving almost daily trips to various markets of Delhi - has become a so much a part of my routine, that I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. In about two weeks, all the naach-gana band-baaja will be done. Then what?
I'd read somewhere that if we paid as much attention to planning marriages as we spend planning weddings, the world would be a better place (or something to that effect). Couldn't agree more! I'm not anxious about the wedding. But what bothers me...is that I can't picture our "marriage"...I mean, of course I'm thrilled that Aseem and I finally get to live together. But that also means moving out of 'home'. Moving away from everything that is familiar and known and comfortable and convenient. I feel like crying every time I think of all that's going to change. Forever. Does every bride feel this way? Does that make things any better for anyone?
The preparation - involving almost daily trips to various markets of Delhi - has become a so much a part of my routine, that I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. In about two weeks, all the naach-gana band-baaja will be done. Then what?
I'd read somewhere that if we paid as much attention to planning marriages as we spend planning weddings, the world would be a better place (or something to that effect). Couldn't agree more! I'm not anxious about the wedding. But what bothers me...is that I can't picture our "marriage"...I mean, of course I'm thrilled that Aseem and I finally get to live together. But that also means moving out of 'home'. Moving away from everything that is familiar and known and comfortable and convenient. I feel like crying every time I think of all that's going to change. Forever. Does every bride feel this way? Does that make things any better for anyone?
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