what my 20s have taught me

20s seemed like a distant dream when I was in school. To be honest, I'd never been able to imagine myself beyond the age of 17..that's as OLD as I could get! However, here I am, standing on the brink of 30s… Did time really fly past like it seems now? Or were these the most "happening" years of my life so far? A bit of both actually. Time is funny like that. It seems to drag on one minute and still be gone in a flash...

Anyway, so I was thinking...what have my 20s taught me? Or rather, what have I learnt in my 20s? Here are few of the things that topped the list:

1. I love my own company more than anything else. Even though I am essentially a people-person and would go insane if I was alone all the time, I really really value the time I get to myself. I don't necessarily 'do' anything in this time...but it's important for me to have at least a few days now and then that are absolutely free of agendas and obligations.
2. Forever is a relative term. It could last a year, a few years or more. It has proved true for me in the case of friendships and feelings - both good and bad. When I lost Dennis, I was sure the hole in my heart would ache "forever". After 2-3 years, it's not so bad. Hopefully, it will get better :) 
3. Life isn't fair. Never has been, never will be. Good people will suffer, bad people will thrive. Circumstances will get difficult. Uncertainty will rule. There is an inexplicable amount of suffering out there. 
4. But despite #3, I believe that all people are capable of loving. Their motivations may not seem justified to everyone, but love does make the world go 'round.
5. The older you get, the more often you find yourself glancing at the rearview mirror :) I don't think as a kid or even a teen I was so pre-occupied with how things were in the past. But in the recent years, I see my growing-up years with rose tinted glasses. The nostalgia has already started creeping in. (If I live beyond my 40s I am going to be a super annoying parent/grand-parent!) 
6. Life doesn't quite work out as planned. The grand road map you had envisioned for yourself - dream job, falling in love, lots of travel, financial stability, marriage, kids - it doesn't always work out that way. Or rather, it almost never works out that way. Not to say that nothing works out, but if you are in your mid 20s or beyond, you know what I'm talking about :) 
7. No matter how grown up you feel today, a few years later you will either laugh or cringe at the memory :P

life after death...and stuff like that

I'm in one of my gyaan-dispensing moods right now. So, indulge me for a bit, won't you? What happens when we die? Do you think we 'live on'? Or is it just game over! I wonder what it would be like to be dead. I'm in no hurry to find out of course ;) But just wondering...will I just stop existing? Will I get to see how people react when I'm gone? Or would it be better to not be able to see? Will I be allowed to hang around as a spirit? For how long? How will it be decided what or where I am in my next life? Do you think I'll have a choice? Do you think I'll get to meet God? I think it's only fair to expect that! What about the soul...does it have a memory? Will mine remember all the things I have been before? Or will I just be a blob with no past?

For me, an ideal dead situation would be...going into a world where I get to meet all the people I know who are now dead. Like a reunion of sorts. At least for a few years...or whatever unit time is measured in in that world...Then we can all move on. But what if they have already served their time in the in between world by the time I arrive?! That would be such a shame!!

Thing is, I won't really know till I'm dead. What I'm trying to get at is this...we waste so much time plotting and planning for the future that it's easy to lose sight of the present. I know you've heard it a million times in a million different ways...live like there's no tomorrow, make most of today, etc etc.

But you still spend hours and days worrying yourself over the future. I know I do. It looms like a dark cloud over everything. And I find myself making choices on the basis of what would be best for 2, 3, 5 years later. Sure no harm in planning for tomorrow, but is it more important than right now? The weirdest part is, the future may or may not happen. I might get hit by a car tomorrow (if I get out of the house!). Or get buried in this very building in the next 5 minutes (chances of this being higher coz of all the newly-free-for-hols undergrads running around all the time!). Who knows! But there's no denying the fact that I have this moment.

So, what's the point of all this ranting? Nothing :) Absolutely nothing. I wanted to spend my present writing a blog post. And I just did. What do you want to do with this moment? :)

my theory of life

ok this isn't really a theory. but u weren't expecting one anyway, right? ;) this post is more like my very own compilation of beliefs about life n people...but that doesn't sound so great for a title, does it? hehe

Life is precious. It's a one-time experience, at least as the person you are right now (yes, I believe wholeheartedly in Karz and OSO), so try and make the most of it. Like, I consider it almost criminal to be callous about it!

Everything happens for a good reason. Everything. We don't always know the reasons right away. Sometimes, we never know the reasons. But God does...or the 'universe', if you please. And it doesn't owe you an explanation :P So, even though you might think Uday Chopra made a huge mistake by becoming an actor, there is most definitely a good reason in it (I never promised to not be random!)

Miracles happen. This could actually be a subpoint of the all-for-a-reason tenet. Miracles are actually just things happening in reaction to something you have totally forgotten about, so it seems like a miracle in the present! How do I explain....See, for instance you might think your girlfriend forgiving you for being a pig is a miracle (yes I'm sexist too), but it is actually only 'coz she has done...no no, this isn't going well. Find your own example!

The world is made up of good and bad in almost equal measure. There are as many good people out there as there are absolute creeps. Also, each one of us, has both good and evil within. What we unleash is a matter of choice and also a matter of what kinda people we are around.

I'm sorta done ranting for tonight. I didn't go beyond 3 beliefs?! What a shame! My laziness will be the end of me!

Soulmates

Soul mate - someone who knows you inside out. Someone who understands; someone who cares. Someone who is like no other.

Until not too long ago, I didn't quite believe in the idea of 'soulmates'. It's not like I didn't think people could have soulmates...it's just that I never thought I would ever have one. I never expected to come across anyone who would be so....perfect.

I love the idea of soul mates now. Of finding that one person who mates your soul.

Who are these people then? They don't come with a halo over their heads or flashbulbs across their chest... These are normal everyday people who have the knack to really open up to you...the ability to make you open up unconditionally. And it is a two-way thing...like, to the world both of you may appear to be a block of marble. some people might urge you to carve into a horse...others might say you would make an exquisite rabbit. But it is only the two of you who know what the other's marble really holds. So, your soulmate knows your true potential. And trusts you to realize it even if others can't really see it yet. They are gonna be there till all the extra bits fall off. They are gonna be there to add what needs to be added. And you do the same for them. Knowingly and unknowingly...

One of the newspapers featured a story on how celebs who endorse hockey have failed to turn up for the matches. I found it quite amusing. I mean, it's nice that the Hockey World Cup has got as much publicity as it has. But, dude! It's come like a month before the actual event. What did they expect?! People who are sports fanatics (like most men in my family) will follow any sport whatsoever, publicity notwithstanding. But non-sport people (like me) or even people committed to a particular game for ages, are not gonna develop an interest in hockey overnight! So holding Sehwag or PC responsible for its mediocre popularity is lame (if not funny)! And the argument that filmstars show up for IPL matches n not hockey ones is sooooo silly. Hello! Surely there's some difference between appearing in an ad for a product and owning a team?!

Though all this silly-ness apart, hockey IS our national game. Hope it gets its due!

Voting

It’s really nice that voting is the new cool thing this year. Most people are quite upbeat that they are gonna vote/ have voted. I like the enthusiasm. I like the optimism.

But just a word of caution…amidst all the ‘jaago re’ hoopla, don’t forget that voting is just one step. It’s not the be-all-n-end-all of all our problems. No matter what these awareness campaigns say, “ek sahi vote” isn’t really going to change everything. It is definitely a beginning of change. Let’s not forget it’s just that. A beginning. An important first step. If we want all the things we do – better governance, cleaner politics, honest opportunities, faster development – mere voting isn’t getting us anywhere. Coz the people we vote for are still the same. I don’t want to be a cynic. I want to vote too (mostly coz I also think it’s cool). But for whom?? I’ve been trying to get hold of the list of candidates in my constituency without any success. And neither of the leading parties appeals much to me. Quite a bleak situation if you think of it! I don’t want to vote just for the heck of it!

And the point is, even if I do figure out one decent candidate and vote for him/her and Even if he/she gets elected (though that’s being a bit too optimistic!)…then what? If that person belongs to one of the major parties, he/she will soon ‘mould’ into their line of thought. If they are an independent candidate, what can they do in a scenario when the ruling party is just not interested in the ‘lesser’ issues?!

Actually, the point is not how bad things are. The point is how much worse will I let them get till I do something about it. Maybe the excitement about these elections is a good way to wake up. To “jaago” in the true sense. To not just vote coz it’s a smart thing, but to vote smartly. To be politically aware and active. To pick up a broom and start cleaning my home. To stop wondering and start doing. To shake myself outta apathy. These elections may not mend everything right away, but they are definitely an eye-opener. I’ll always remember 2009 as the year I decided to ‘grow up’.

Weekend

Such amazing weather...a brilliant weekend...so many things to write about... Where do I start? How about the "Earth Hour"!

Honestly, I don't know much about it. I'd read at a couple of places that on Saturday, everyone should switch off all unnecessary lights/electric stuff for an hour 'if you love your planet'. Oh well, that I do, but it seemed like such a fun thing too! And since my cousins were coming over, an hour in 'darkness' seemed like a supercool idea, love for planet or not! I loved power cuts as a kid. All the shadow games. And antakshari! And the whole time it was raining, with lightning and thunder n wind! It was one hour well spent.

It was so nice to know that a lotta other people observed it too :) I like the concept of many people coming together. Or rather, doing the same thing 'coz they believe in it. Damn cool. So all those of you who switched off all lights and enjoyed the darkness, way to go! Maybe we should get together to do more such stuff. Like pledging a day to be absolutely non-corrupt or something. For instance, on that day everyone follows the traffic rules and all, and if they are caught for speeding or anything, they get a chalaan rather than paying the cop for 'settlement'. How about a day for being kind? A week of honest effort (and no procrastrination!)? Hmm...we could if we wanted to you know! This is that power-of-youth they keep harping about na? And while we're at it, let's not forget the causes that got us all excited a few months ago and are now lying under a layer of fine dust. I'm talking about the terror attacks. Wassup on that front? We still remember all our angry outbursts, don't we?

Coming back to the cause at hand, this sitting in the darkness thing is cooler on another level. I was just thinking...there's so much light around us. As in, the artificial one - bulbs, tubelights, halogen, flourescent, neon, CFL. But what about light within? In these times of super brightness, are the people as enlightened? Or is the outside light taken as a substitute for the inner one? Maybe we need to sit in the dark once in a while to peep in. To find that light that lies within each one of us. Earth hour-like things could be a good way to connect with yourself. It's not a vague airy-fairy concept. A lot of us are in-the-dark about quite a few things. I, for one, keep putting off 'figuring out' stuff for myself. If only I would sit back and introspect...maybe I'd outshine all the streetlights! hehe. I'm not saying all of us become the Buddha or anything like that. But just that, if we make an effort to get to know ourselves better, we'd be more at peace with ourself and with others. That couldn't possibly be a bad thing, eh?

So, earth hour was cool because, a. it gave me a chance to enjoy antakshari n twenty questions, b. a lotta electricity was saved, and c. I got to glimpse my inner light ;) and jhaado some more gyan :D

ooh n lest I forget! I saw ducklings at the Hauz Khas lake! Real yellow ones. And a few green-black ones too. They were adorable!! And the place is damn cool! The fort/madarsa is an amazing structure too. With eerie steps and all that! All those who are in Delhi, must visit!

to whomsoever it may concern

Free advice.
Points to remember about your dissertation (coming from someone in the middle of one, this is as genuine as it gets!):
If there are 'x' number of things that can go wrong, be assured, all of them will. There are no two ways about it. And you will realize how many ways things can go wrong in! A simple thing like data collection is no less than the maze at the end of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. With dragons and spells vying for your attention at every turn. Well, almost!
All those people who tell you that 'well begun is better done' are absolutely right. At least in the context of dissertations. I prefered to emulate those who started late and still managed to get their work done in time. Not the smartest choice.
And then, the computer aspect. This morning, I had an almost heart attack 'coz my usually no-nonsense, docile comp suddenly went off! The screen went blank and the green light kept flickering. Nothing would revive it. Not random key-pressing, not turning it upside down, not even telling it how much I loved it! And the weirdest part is, when I tried opening the CD drive, it opened! Spooky!
After around 10 traumatic minutes, it suddenly came back to life. Miracles do happen! (why just yesterday a plane landed on water!). And the message on the screen said "windows has just recovered from an unlikely shutdown". Gawd, and I recovered from an almost-stopped-heart!
So, make sure that all your data has backup. Specially people who no longer write stuff and type every little thing. Mail it as attachments to various accounts. Various ppl if possible. Burn Cds, do whatcver. But there's no way out if you have just one place of storage and that gets damaged. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's such a tech-savvy sounding thing na? haha That's what dissertations do to you. They turn morons into experts. Non-believers into fanatics. Perfectly sane people into lunatics!
And final point to remember, which I am saying due to sheer optimism and not personal experience (yet), the whole thing is totally worth it. I am hoping that at the end of this dissertation I can look back and feel proud of the effort I put in :)

Aamir.

First things first – Aamir is a brilliantly made movie. Very real type. I won’t say ‘believable’ ‘coz that would undermine its credibility…considering that I found Main Hoon Na and HAHK pretty believable too! So, it’s a Must Watch kinda film…at least for people who like the kinda movies that I do.
The intricacies of how the protagonist's mind works… his dilemma, his frustration… has been portrayed beautifully. Kudos to the actor and director!
As the movie progressed, I could not only feel for Aamir, but I often identified with his angst so completely that it felt like my own. For how long can one hold on to a lifelong baggage of beliefs when faced with such a situation? How does a person choose between life and death for his loved ones? How do you choose between You and the world? How do you decide if selfish is a better option than selfless? And what if selfless is in fact selfish?

There must be at least a few Aamirs in real life too...and that's scary. Makes me wonder, is being a non-radical Muslim in our country so difficult? Why do broadminded, tolerant people have to pay the price for the narrowmindedness of a fundamentalist few? It's really really sad!
The song that accompanies the credits at the end... "Ek Lau" is ... beyond words actually!

dhoop ke ujale si

os ke pyale si

khushiyan miley humko...

zyada manga hai kahan

sarhadein na ho jahan

duniya miley humko...

par khuda khair kar

iske armaan mein kyun

bewajeh ho koi qurbaan...

(And the rendition by Shilpa Rao is amazing...)



Is that too much to ask for?? When will we learn to live in peace? Or is violence so much a part of humans that being "human" takes a backseat?

Religion, God, faith...what are these? Are they doing us any good? Would we not be better off if these ‘social’ phenomenona were more personal than communal?? Would we not be much happier if God was personal...if each person could choose his own ishwar, allah or rabb...if no one had the authority to decide this for anyone else? Not in the name of religion...not in the name of anything!

Religion is something that man created to give structure to his unexplained experiences...but the convoluted sense in which most fanatics portray religion and religious beliefs is not just pathetic, but ridiculous!What I'm trying to say here is...let us practice 'to each his own'...let us Believe in whatever we want to with all our heart...but let us not force our beliefs on anyone...'coz that only undermines what we believe in. No?

training...

training has been a tremendous learning experience....n it's only been just about a month...it hasn't been anything like i had expected....from day 1, no two days have been the same...i've gone from workless-for-hours to bone-tired and back to workless again. i've learnt a lot of things....things like what sections 376, 363, 302 etc of the IPC mean...things like ptsd and complex ptsd...like the hierarchy of dilli police...like office gossip n small group dynamics...like appreciating garam rotis even when i'm unable to identify the subzi...like acknowledging the fact that i've barely seen 15% of delhi and that there's a completely different world out there living in the stinkiest of conditions...like the fact that i have been immensely blessed all my life and the little things i take for granted are a luxury for a vast majority of people...that in the slums, the man to fly ratio is about 1:100...
Also, things like education or social status do nothing to one's mentality and that the most educated of people can have the most inhuman tendencies...that willpower is more than just a word...that some people have infinite levels of tolerance and some have subzero sense...that men can be the sickest of all living creatures...and that women are no less when it comes to cruelty...

i think i've learnt a lot...n i'm learning everyday...and the BEST feeling in the world, as in the Whole Wide World, is to be able to reach out to someone...to make someone feel that you care... i havn't met too many people...havn't see too many 'cases'...but from what i have seen, i can say that it's no easy thing! and till now, this is the best part of my work :)

Don't fear the dark

'coz Light means nothing without it.

Don't fear being wrong

'coz Right means nothing without it.

sometimes, i say the stupidest things and they have such....unexpected effects... and the worst part is, i don't even know how to put it right...I'd do anything to 'undo' that conversation..quite a few conversations actually! But then,.... anyways!