Freaking out when your period is late

A delayed 'period' (or "part of the menstrual cycle when a woman bleeds from her vagina for a few days"  -NHS) is never fun. Freaking out when your period is late is normal, right? The days (or, God forbid, weeks!) leading up to it, are nothing short of hell though! Here are the 10 phases of near-hell that I recently survived...

10.Before period was due
Could I be pregnant? That would be so cool! I hope it's twins :P

9.A couple of days late...
Shit! What if I am actually pregnant?? Does that really mean no alcohol? Do I even want kids?

8.Almost a week and no period...
Time for a pregnancy test. I don't feel pregnant, but what if I am? What if my fat is hiding a baby within? With my belly, it is quite possible! Maybe I just need to lose some weight. Maybe it's the change of place. But I need to be sure it's not a baby!

7.When the test says NOT pregnant!
Mixed feelings. I was kinda thinking of ways to announce my pregnancy while I waited for the stick to work the result. Well, thank God I am not pregnant! I wish I was though...wouldn't it be nice to have a baby or two? Am I too old to get pregnant?

6.Ten days late and still no sign of blood...
The typical PMS is starting to show. I can positively tell that I will be down by the end of the day today. At the most by tomorrow. These mood swings can't get any worse! Maybe I should try to find some papaya? 

5.Second pregnancy test.
It is day no.13 now. This is starting to get creepy. What if I am actually pregnant? There was something about false negatives I had read. Why did I have that glass of wine!? I wish my baby isn't born deformed!!!

4.Alarm bells ringing
What? another negative???! What if I have hit menopause? What if something's really really wrong with me on the inside? What if I am taking this too casually. Let me figure out how to get an appointment with a gynaecologist! 

3.Over two weeks later...
It's never been this late. I have even started going to the gym (well, OK, I just went once, but still!)! Must ask mom. I am officially freaking out now. Are these real cramps or just wishful thinking on my part? I feel fat and ugly and sleepy. And fat! And low. And did I say fat?

2.I'm NEVER gonna have my period.
Gotta see a doctor. Enough delay already! This might be a sign. Maybe my reproductive system ha gone on a long vacation. I hope this can be cured. What will I do with all those sanitary pads if I never have a period again?

1.Almost 3 weeks after due date...
Wtf! I am going to be reckless and wear my new silky panty. Can't let the fear of staining ruin my life! Out for a lovely dinner with the husband and, ta-da! Out with the blood! Woohoo! The choke up is finally clearing out! Thank you God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Jokes apart though, my armchair research tells me that delayed periods could result from various causes, which include but are not limited to - PCOD, weight gain/loss, acute change in weather, high stress and hormonal imbalance. I am due to see a gynae soon. If you or anyone you know is going through any menstruation related complications, don't ignore it. Reproductive health is important. Take care!

Why "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil" was a disappointment

More than anything else, this movie was a disappointment for the sheer lack of depth! Whether it was the lead actors or their love interests...for me, not a single character was gripping. And that's a shame because the story had potential. It was not a new story, though it looked at the 'same old' from a slightly different angle. Instead of looking at boy meets girl and they lived happily ever after, I believe the attempt here was to hero unrequited love...or 'iktarfa pyaar'!
However, there's a difference between heroing Raja from Saagar versus Rahul of Darr. For no matter how cute the guy is, no is a no. Perhaps the disappointment is so much more since Pink had helped us refocus on the all important discourse on consent. And here we are, back to square one! Whether it is a crude moneyed guy from Haryana or a jet-setting Londoner, no matter where you are, who you are, forcing another person to reciprocate, either physically or emotionally, IS abuse.
So technically, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil champions the cause of Ayaan - an emotionally 'vulnerable' 30 year old - who just won't take no for an answer. Not when the girl says she wants to be friends 'only'; not when she marries the man she loves; not when she tells him she will never feel 'that way' for him; not when she slaps him. So this man is either has a huge sense of entitlement and just doesn't comprehend the concept of rejection. OR, he is just really dense. Owing to my love for Dharma Productions and all things Karan Johar, I tried reallllyyyyyyy hard to give this movie the benefit of doubt. But bro, this isn't 1985! We don't live in that era anymore! (It was amusing to see the likes of Ritesh Deshmukh and Hrithik Roshan tweeting in praise of the movie and the "performances". Seriously guys?)
Despite all of this, the movie does pull off some lovely songs with great lyrics. And beautiful people in beautiful places wearing beautiful clothes. The Urdu dialogues took it a bit too far though. Sounded like they were trying too hard. A few here and there would have been charming, but the way Aishwarya Rai's character Saba spoke was pretty hard to follow!! Perhaps the only somewhat sensible thing that happens in the movie is her breaking up with Ayaan!
Despite my rant, I don't think the movie is BAD like some posts on Fb make it out to be. It doesn't manage to get you hooked like a KHNH or K3G, but well...you need Shahrukh Khan to be around for  more than a couple of minutes for that to happen I guess :D

Fire

It scared her, how much she craved for his attention. For years, she had shrugged off his advances – always putting up a mock agitated front to all the flirting. She didn’t deny that she liked him. He knew it too. And they often talked about the strange bond they shared. Having never met, they had managed to maintain this ‘relationship’ for over a decade. Mindless conversations, harmless flirting... long hours spent talking about nothing and everything. It wasn’t as rosy as it sounds though. They had had their fall outs, lost touch for long spells of time. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, they ended up reconnecting; ended up reminiscing the good bits, happily forgetting the jarring reality.

One thing he made clear from the start: he was a married man. And no amount of flirting threatened his commitment to his family. She appreciated this. Perhaps even respected him for it. But it was hard to keep track of her own feelings. He had a way with words. He had a way of making her feel special. And invariably, she felt guilty. In her head, what she was doing was not right. Her values warned her against it. Yet she was drawn to him again and again.

The scene was different now. Many years had passed, and having been through her share of relationships, a little more immune to his charm. But his messages still made her smile. He still had an inexplicable hold over her. She flirted back without hesitation. Fully aware that this is what they would be, for as long as they remained in touch. And even if they stopped talking, the world would not come to an end.

This went on for a couple of years. They talked on and off. Sometimes about their partners, sometimes about each other. His messages sometimes took a sexual overtone. She hated it when he spoke to her like that. Not because she didn’t like him. But she felt angry. Angry that it affected her; that she wondered whether he meant any of it. Her rational self knew he probably said that to a dozen other girls. And even if he didn’t, how did it matter? She scolded herself for paying heed to his nonsense. But despite everything, she couldn’t break away from him. 

As long as she was able to label this as light-hearted fooling around, things were OK. But it didn’t stay that way. It happened around the same time that her relationship with her partner had hit a rocky patch. A break-up followed cruel words and angry tears.

She was not happy. And she would not let anyone know. Perhaps out of vulnerability, perhaps as a result of years of repressed feelings... for reasons she did not want to dwell on, she found herself turning to him more. The romance and warmth she found missing from her life, she looked for it in their interactions. A part of her warned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak all over again. She knew there were limits. She had no intention of being the 'other woman'. She knew she was playing with fire. It scared her, but it also lit up something within her. An excitement that was addictive. She recognized that, for the first time, she wanted more. 

Tears

If you'd pause to think, you would see
my tears hold the answers that you seek
do you really seek answers, i often wonder
for i don't hear you pause
i hear your questions
and the anguish behind them
and i wish i could put the tears into words
but i can't
they flow, when there are no words.
i have always been
at a loss for spoken word
smiles and tears i am easy with.
my tears are not a means
to seek vengeance or to hurt
to punish or to rub in.
they are an expression
of a girl who is at a loss for spoken words.

love yourself

Love your self. Such a simple sounding sentence, yet turns out it to be one of the toughest things to do on most days. Do you find it difficult too?

I don't think it was this way for me earlier. But as I grow older, I find myself putting more conditions on myself. If I get a good job, I can love myself; if I can keep my partner happy, I can love myself; if I quit complaining, if I spend more time with my parents, if I get more clients, if I socialise more...if I this, if I that…you get the drift right?

The question is, do I need to be a certain way to love myself? Can't I just relax about who I am, accept me for the person I am? After all, I do it all the time for my counselling clients. Well, I know the answer. And sadly, even though it's a yes, it always feels like a no.

It could be because I am my strongest critic. Which is good in a way. But equally important is to be my own strongest champion. Because if I can't champion my own cause, who will? If I am not convinced that I am loveable, how can somebody else be convinced to love me? This isn't something we are new to. It's a pretty old concept to be honest. Nevertheless, a concept we need to remind ourselves of time and again.

It's easy to find fault in yourself. Easier still to resign to guilt. Knowing all these faults, yet believing that there is enough good in you to be loved for - that's not so easy! Despite being so good for you, it's so difficult to just BE. I know, I agree. But still, I am going to try this. I hope you do too.

An eye for an eye? Why not??!

The outrage that's followed the gang-rape in Delhi evokes mixed feelings in me. There's pure horror for I can't even bear to imagine what the girl (and so many others) must have gone through!! There's a part of me that is pleased that people are coming together, voicing their opinions, protesting against injustice. Then at the same time, I'm scared...there's a nagging voice full of pessimism (or is that realism?) that says, don't get too excited...how many times before this have you witnessed an uproar about something only to see it die down a few months (if not less) later?

Is that our 'thing'? To show outrage only to forget about it? Are we protesting just for the sake of making a noise? Is there a realistic goal in our collective minds? If yes, then what it is? All the men and women braving the weather and authorities at India Gate...what are they fighting for? What do they want?

One of the hotly contested points of contention is capital punishment. At present, our law provisions its use only in "the rarest of rare cases". The very term makes me go "huh??!" So you are telling me that unless committed in an extraordinary manner, a crime isn't "rare" enough to be served the death sentence for??? And how does one set criteria for this rareness? Is cruelty a criterion? Is how much the victim has undergone trauma a criterion? Is the outrage displayed by public a criterion??? There are soooo many incidents of rape that fail to earn as much media coverage as the current one. Does that make it any less of a crime? Opponents of capital punishment usually cite "reformative" approach to dispensing justice. They say an eye for an eye would leave half the world blind. I say why not? Even if it does, a world that allows such crimes to happen at such an alarming frequency, deserves to go blind anyway!

My thoughts are a mess right now. I can't decide whether I want to talk about general apathy about safety and law enforcement in our society; whether to talk about my outrage; or to write about what we can do...what I can do. So I'm going to leave it at that...and go away with a muddled mind...

One day it's a student out with a 'friend'. The other it's a working woman out 'late'. Yet another day it's a hapless 5 year old who is where she should ideally be the safest - 'home'!

But safe is something that seems to be asking for too much when it comes to women. Each time a rape comes to light, so does the disturbing public opinion. She should have been more careful. She should have avoided being out so late. She shouldn't have dressed that way. She should have bloody well not been a woman!! It's outrageous how people veryyyy conveniently blame the victim. So, FYI, NO girl wants it. NO girl ASKS for it. No matter how she is dressed. No matter where she is. No matter what time it is. I agree it's best to be vigilant at all times, to take adequate 'precaution'. But that's just a way to avert the crisis for a while and not the solution itself!

'You hear about all these rapes all the time, why do you have to be out so late?' Well, you also hear about people dying in road accidents all the time. Doesn't stop you from driving like a maniac anyway, does it? And this is no way the same anyway! Please stop being such pigs about women's dignity. You will never really know what it is like till it happens to someone too close for comfort. And I really hope it never comes to that.

Draupadi

Mahabharat has been my favourite epic since forever. There is so much drama in it. And such solid grounding in reality nevertheless. The present-day-relevance is pretty hard to miss. And I guess the nature of the epic is such, that it can be interpreted for all times. Ageless. B.R.Chopra’s television series made it more accessible to an entire generation. Arjun, Bheeshma, Kunti, Duryodhan and Shakuni became household names thanks to the immensely popular series. I was mesmerised by it as a child. Smitten by the fancy bows-n-arrows and the now-gaudy costumes. Back then Draupadi was without doubt, a major character. But surprisingly, I had never given her much thought. I considered Arjun to be a loving husband. I saw Bheem as a noble person for bringing her blood from Dushasan’s thigh to quench her thirst of revenge. I knew she had been ‘apamaanit’. But never really felt for her.

Then I read this book by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni – Palace of Illusions, which brought the queen of Indraprastha to the forefront of my consciousness. The book is a piece of fiction based on another – the Mahabharat. Reading it is like seeing the Mahabharat upside-down! It presents Drauapadi’s point of view (a vantage point for looking at the way the Great War unfolded). Gives voice to her angst, her pain. And the best part is it does not reduce her to a mere victim of circumstances. It portrays her as someone who though bound by fate, makes her choices and stands by them. Who, despite losing more than she ever imagined, retains her pride and dignity. Even though she continues to commit mistakes, she is far truer about these than any of the nobler characters of the story. (Yudhishthir comes across just the way I’d always though him to be – a rule bound fool. Too ‘dharmanishtha’ for his own good.)

So, Draupadi, or Panchali, holds a special place in my heart. I think she epitomizes women, all women. Who fought odds, was humiliated, paid for others’ mistakes…but was resilient nevertheless. She is a symbol of all our stereotypes, yet manages to break the mould. Very feminine...at the same time, very in-your-face. She’s charming and brave...loving and shrewd...apprehensive and self-confident...

The author tries to convey time and again that her vengefulness marked her downfall. Perhaps it did. But what else is one supposed to do? Forgive and forget??? I think not! And that’s where the other interpretation for the great lady comes in. This play titled Draupadi – We Are So Different Now (stellar performances by Shivani Pasrich and others). It is a tale of a modern day Draupadi. Or what women today could learn from her. Visually it was very appealing. The background music was great too! The first half was quite convincing. The fierce protectiveness that she feels for Maya is quite believable. But then, Draupadi decides to forgive, to let go. I, for one, do not buy the logic. Well, for someone who has burnt for vengeance for centuries, and whose wrongdoers are long dead, it’s alright. But a woman who was raped by her own brother-in-law? To forgive him within a lifetime is quite unfathomable for me. And why should she? The play shows Maya (the other girl) as a calmer, more fulfilled person after forgiving. Before that, she was shown to be one frustrated and ever-angry woman who could think of nothing but the bad guy’s destruction. Perhaps that isn’t the best way to deal with the stuff. And perhaps, at some level, I agree with Draupadi about not letting the desire for revenge rule your existence. However, ‘forgiving’ someone who has caused you so much pain is something I can’t really digest. Why is it expected out of women to be forgiving? Is the feeling of revenge not encouraged in women for it is seen as a masculine quality? Is it only men who have the right to indulge in settling of scores?? If you have been wronged, violated...don’t sit back and forgive. It’s high time we stopped exalting practices that confirm men’s self-serving biases and make women feel inferior!

Women's Reservation Bill

I am not very well informed about all things 'political'. But as far as common sense, and my personal opinion go, I think this one-third reservation for women in the parliament is a step in the wrong direction. Shouldn't the focus be on 'empowering' women to rise to the positions of MPs and MLAs, rather than serving the opportunity on a platter?! And if our past is anything to go by, the situation's not gonna be much different from the lot of SCs, STs and OBCs! No amount of quotas have made their condition better. In fact, barring a few, they continue to languish in poverty; and if anything, their condition only worsens!

I don't see what good having 33% women in the parliament in going to do. Whatever happened to gender equality? This bill sends out a message that women are weak and can't really make it to mainstream politics without a crutch. So hey, instead of teaching them how to walk, let's distribute some fancy wheel chairs! Such a shame!

What needs to be enforced is nomination of candidates on the basis of merit. Irrespective of whether they are a man or woman. And if the so called 'education system' does its part, this should not be much of a problem, right? I know the solution isn't simple. But that's the whole point! Instead of looking for quick-fix remedies, we should be focusing on the bigger picture...