"What are you into?"

"So...apart from psychology, what are you into?"

I was asked that at a party recently. By one of the husband's new friends. Someone I barely know. Me being me, my first reaction was feeling irked at his assumption. Who was this man to assume I was into psychology :P And having asked me the same evening whether I could read faces, he wasn't exactly on the top of my charts. Well, that being said...his question stumped me. Like a lot of other times in a social situation, I felt completely blank. I did not answer at all. For the sole reason that I could not think of an answer!

Someone then said something else. The conversation steered away from me (to my enormous relief!) and the party went on. Hopefully no one noticed my awkwardness. But the question didn't leave me. What am i into?! I am probably too dull to be passionate about anything. I enjoy a lot of things. Reading. Writing. Watching movies. Humming songs. But am I "into" any of these things? I don't know!

I have been thinking about it ever since. I am into happiness. I am a sucker for laughter and love and pleasure. I don't feel comfortable saying that to an almost stranger. Is that weird?
I love greenery. I love the wind. I love the warmth of sunlight. I love the fresh fragrance of wet mud (even if its from washing a neglected verandah!). I love holi. I love food. I love sleeping. I love cleaning. I love counselling. I love colours. I love hot chocolate. I love a window ledge where I can curl up with a book. I love tapping away on my laptop. I love feeling loved.

I have never been the sort of person who got along well with kids. I've never had a problem with them either. But I've kept my distance. Even as a child and teenager, when my peers would go gaga over babies (human and animal), I could only muster up a bleak smile. Why this indifference (bordering on aversion) I am not sure. But one thing I was sure of, I'm not a kids' person.

So when I was offered a job as a counsellor for primary school children, no one was more surprised than I was that I took it up. Even as I took up the offer, I was pretty sure I wouldn't last more than a few months. 'Just till something better comes along' I told myself. My belief that I was a misfit grew as I saw my colleagues work with children. They were completely at ease. They didn't seem to squirm at the thought of 'handling' 30 kids at once. Hell they even seemed to enjoy it. I was quite blatant in admitting that I am not a big fan of working with kids. As a response to which I mostly received stares of disbelief.

I'm a counsellor. I am most at ease when I'm in a room with a client. I love therapeutic work. And this part of my job I was thoroughly enjoying. Of course it isn't a fairytale, so there has to be a flip-side. Which was that apart from my individual sessions, I had to conduct whole class sessions with each section of each grade. Major panic inducing stuff. For the initial weeks I just dreaded these sessions! The happiest moments of my week would be when a session got cancelled or when a class had a lot of absentees!! Over time, I got more comfortable. I started to grow fond of the same children who had seemed like a menace in the beginning.

Almost a year and half later, when I quit, I couldn't believe how difficult it was to leave! I didn't want to leave. When the time to handover to the new counsellor came, I felt super protective of "my" children. How could I just let someone else take care of them! How could anyone else understand? Of course, I'm not indispensable. The objective, professional me knew that all along. But my impulsive side wanted to gather all the kids in a group hug n shoo away the new counsellor! lol

When I took this job, I did not mean to stay for as long as I did. And when I left, I felt like I hadn't stayed long enough. Today, I'm much more comfortable around children. I miss the kids I saw at work. But that's the occupational hazard of being a counsellor anyway!

Wedding frenzy

I'm getting married in less than a fortnight. For almost the last three months, my family and I have been "preparing" for the wedding. Soon after the parents became involved in our relationship (i.e. maybe what one could call an unofficial Roka), I realised that fighting against a big fat wedding is a lost cause. So I decided to stop saying no to everything and enjoy the preparations. You may call that my excuse for splurging my parents' hard earned money ;)

The preparation - involving almost daily trips to various markets of Delhi - has become a so much a part of my routine, that I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. In about two weeks, all the naach-gana band-baaja will be done. Then what?

I'd read somewhere that if we paid as much attention to planning marriages as we spend planning weddings, the world would be a better place (or something to that effect). Couldn't agree more! I'm not anxious about the wedding. But what bothers me...is that I can't picture our "marriage"...I mean, of course I'm thrilled that Aseem and I finally get to live together. But that also means moving out of 'home'. Moving away from everything that is familiar and known and comfortable and convenient. I feel like crying every time I think of all that's going to change. Forever. Does every bride feel this way? Does that make things any better for anyone?

Sachin Tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar is a much  loved public figure. He must have something going for him if even people like me (with zero understanding of cricket) are die hard fans ;) No seriously, I love Sachin. He’s almost like Marmite, you can love him or hate him…but not ignore him! Even as a child, I thought of him as a powerful figure. Every time he got out, my brother would switch off the TV. In my house (and I’m guessing mine’s not the only one), the match ended when Sachin left the crease.

He’s an admirable sportsperson. But more than that, I love him for the way he has handled himself in public. With all the adulation and attention he has gotten over the years, AND all the criticism, any person could have lost their head. The current breed of ‘young celebrities’ (in sports and otherwise), more than prove my point! In a time when we see stars being created overnight, only to be forgotten in a fortnight, this man has maintained his position and dignity for almost two and a half decades. If that’s not admirable, what is?

Thank you Sachin, for raising the bar. Thank you for teaching a whole generation of Indians to dream and to strive to achieve that dream. And most of all, thank you for giving us a role model who showed us how to remain grounded in the face of the massive ups and downs!

I am one of the least political people I know. And politics is probably the last thing I should be writing about. But seriously, WHAT is going on in Indian politics?! The only news is about allegations, counter-allegations, cover-ups and goof-ups! When does the real administration happen, if at all? I feel like crying every time I see someone from Congress or BJP or some other political party commenting on trivial unimportant aspects of things every single day!
Every day a stray comment is taken out of context and blown out of proportion. Every day a new controversy. It's sickening. Today it's Modi, tomorrow Rahul Gandhi; some day it's Amartya Sen, another day Shobha De. Even non-political entities are being made centres of so-called political debates. Whatever happened to minding one's own business? Or is this what a democracy is all about?

Turmoil breeds creativity. Some of our finest moments are born as a reaction to some struggle or obstacle. For it is only when the mind is shaken out of its comfort zone that it's forced to think in a way it usually wouldn't. Right now...for no apparent reason...or for too many vague reasons...my mood is more down than up. So I thought maybe this is a good time for a new blog post.

i want your attention
more than ever
coz i feel ur slipping away
i don't want control
i don't want power
but i do need to feel
like i am still the centre of your universe
lately it feels like
i don't matter as much
that unless i throw a tantrum
i wouldn't catch your eye
it seems that
if i behave myself
you won't even notice i'm here
it's only when i'll be gone
that u will probably shed a tear

Change

Change. I don't know another word that brings up so much dread in me. Death, maybe. But that too, is about change. 

Like most people, I hate it when things change. Or rather, I hate when things are about to change. Sudden change I can deal with (or so I would like to believe). But change that has weeks or even months leading up to it drives me crazy. 'Coz it gives me so much time to picture 'possibilities' in my head. And there are a zillion plus one possibilities always. At Least! 

Marriage is one such change I'm headed towards. And it scares me. All the things that I say "won't be me"...what if it IS me? What if it's me being grumpy and frustrated? What if it's me resenting my husband? What if it's me losing out on my personhood? What if it's me with that feeling of absolute lack of control over my life?!?! Paranoia? Perhaps. Only time will tell? Maybe not. I'd like to believe I can guide the course my fate takes. Look at me getting all fatalistic! But negativity apart, I do believe that life is up for a big upheaval. An inevitable one. One that I have chosen for myself. One that I've fought for :) It can't be all that bad. And like all change, I'm guessing I will learn to live with it. Learn to love it.