First sight of snow

About a fortnight ago, I was pleasantly surprised to see that all the grass outside my house had turned a pale silver. It looked as though someone had made hours of painstaking effort to paint every single blade of grass (and all other surfaces)! it looked amazing! My first thought was, 'snow?!'...but that's not what it was. It was frost. And it made everything veryyyyyy pretty :) Everyone's always talking about the snow, how come no one mentioned frost in any positive context?! I was mesmerized by it! (So mesmerized, in fact, that I did not take a single picture!)

It made everything look so...edible!

A week or so passed quite uneventfully. On a Friday, I had some friends over...since the 'party' went on till late, I woke up only the next afternoon. And when I looked out, the sight was no short of breathtaking! I swear it was the most amazing sight ever! Frost has its own charm, but snow wins hands down! :) If ever there was a competition for "forms of precipitation/condensation/whatever-'water-appearing-on-earth'-is-called"...snow would be the clear winner!!

It looked magical! It isn't that I have never seen snow before. I have. But on all previous occasions, I had seen snow in hill stations - places where it was already there...places where it's been there for ages. But in Keele, I saw the landscape go from green to grey to a stunningly spectacular white! It is so personal you know! It is MY snow! :D

I was a li'l disappointed at having missed the first snowfall though...couldn't wait for it to snow again. And when it did...wow! If there's anything that beats the frothy-white that covers everything in sight, it is the beautiful candyfloss-ish tufts of snow descending from the sky. It is magic! It really is!!!

People here talk about the snow being a nuisance and a safety hazard and all that...my sympathies with all those who have to drive through the bad weather. But I don't have to! ;) So might as well enjoy it before I succumb to the characteristic cynicism of the human race! Can't wait for it to snow again :D Snow fight, anyone? :D

It's been almost a year. And over the last 12 months I have tried at least 1200 times to write about Dennis. But every time I started, I would find it impossible to carry on. Found it way too overwhelming to go on. I would start out with a happy thought about him...and in no time, bam! I could see those last few days and I was a goner. I would think, okay, it's been x months now, surely I'm more in control. Every single time I thought that, I would disappoint myself by breaking down. Looking back, it almost seems like set pattern. (Think about Dennis - feel thankful about the good times - start to pen down something about him - be reminded of his death - cry myself to sleep). But it wasn't. Every time, I was as surprised by my reaction as always. The frequency of the crying spells reduced...the intensity did not. I hardly talked about this. Whenever I did talk about Dennis, it was with a wistful smile and a complete lack of pain. I don't know why it was so easy to talk about his life in someone's company...and so impossible to even think about him when I was alone.

It's still the same. And lately, those last 3-4 days keep running through my mind. Very vivid images. I remember what I wore. I remember when I slept. I remember the song playing on the radio. It still isn't easy to talk about that time. But I have spoken to A and M about it. And even talked about the whole thing in a counselling practice session. It doesn't make things easier. Sure, it is wonderful to know that there are people who care. Yet, I know no one will know. And it isn't anybody's fault. My pain is my own. My guilt is my own. No one else can see my memories...how will they ever understand?!

In which case, why, you may think, am I writing this at all? I wanted the post to be about Dennis. But it ended up being about me. What does that say about me and my belief that grief is very personal, no one really knows what someone else is going through? Well yes, I still believe that no one will know my pain the way I do. But now, after having spoken about it, I also believe that shutting people out isn't the best way to deal with it. They wouldn't know till you tell them what it is like. You might not have the words right now, but try. And it will help them get closer to your reality. Help you to understand your pain better. And eventually, maybe in some tiny little way, make the pain grow dimmer. 'Coz that's what we really want, isn't it? At least that is what I want. I want to remember him fondly, not with remorse. And I never ever want to forget him or 'get over him'.

Some people have this undeniably irritating quality. It's not any one thing...nothing that I can put my finger on. But there are times...rare times, when I come across someone and instantly start disliking him/her. I come across these 'disliked' people so infrequently, that by the time I meet one I have totally forgotten why I disliked the previous one! So I dunno if I dislike /get put off by the same things or whether it's a whole spectrum of traits!

Not too long ago, I met one such guy. Highly irritating to say the least! Instantly got on my nerves. In my defense, it's not like he wasn't trying. But that came later. The minute I saw him I went...uh oh...not my type. Don't get me wrong now. For all practical purposes, I don't even have a type. I am quite a nice n tolerant person (even if I do say so myself ;) ). And it's not often that I get so majorly put off by a person. But after the not-so-happy start things just went downhill. And anything he said felt like long fingernails being scratched across the blackboard. Seriously! And his voice quality had nothing to with it :P Whatever he said...or did...or didn't do....it just irked me so!

I tried being 'person centred' about it. Unconditional positive regard and all that. Didn't work. I tried ignoring him. Didn't work. I tried being mean to him. Ok, not tried, I was mean ;) Felt good for a bit...but didn't do much either!

I guess the best way would be to steer clear. For my wellbeing. And his :D

Soulmates

Soul mate - someone who knows you inside out. Someone who understands; someone who cares. Someone who is like no other.

Until not too long ago, I didn't quite believe in the idea of 'soulmates'. It's not like I didn't think people could have soulmates...it's just that I never thought I would ever have one. I never expected to come across anyone who would be so....perfect.

I love the idea of soul mates now. Of finding that one person who mates your soul.

Who are these people then? They don't come with a halo over their heads or flashbulbs across their chest... These are normal everyday people who have the knack to really open up to you...the ability to make you open up unconditionally. And it is a two-way thing...like, to the world both of you may appear to be a block of marble. some people might urge you to carve into a horse...others might say you would make an exquisite rabbit. But it is only the two of you who know what the other's marble really holds. So, your soulmate knows your true potential. And trusts you to realize it even if others can't really see it yet. They are gonna be there till all the extra bits fall off. They are gonna be there to add what needs to be added. And you do the same for them. Knowingly and unknowingly...

I'm amazed at the positivity flowing in from Delhi about the CWG opening ceremony! Suddenly, everyone is having a "I proud to be Indian" moment. A lot of the people raving about the 'success' were till a few days ago cribbing and cussing and complaining. A little song-dance-n-fanfare and all the glitches are forgotten n forgiven. Very interesting!

I saw the ceremony too. And it was nothing short of spectacular. I was specially enamored by the mehendi-hands bit. Sooooooo cool! :) But till I saw all these Fb status msgs, it was just that - a spectacular show. Now I'm wondering why I was so objective/detached about it! I'm usually the one to see the silver lining before the dark cloud... Dunno! Maybe just a result of too-much-on-my-mind!

Love. The many splendoured, multi-faceted, much talked about, mostly over-hyped...and even undermined emotion...which manages to cover such a wide variety of human experiences. Something that evokes as much cynicism as gooey romance. Something that is a one word explanation for all things good and bad.

What do I say about love?...so much has been said already! If I did decide to write about it though, it would be something like a Wikipedia post on 'Che Guevara' or the 'French Revolution' or something like that which has numerous sub-points and sub-subpoints and sub-subsubpoints!! You get the point? ;)

Coz there's romantic love, platonic love, unconditional love, friend-ly love, louve, pseudo love, rebellious love, love for animals, love for the country/planet/universe...there's just so many loves!!! Love can be 'pyaar'...or 'mohabbat'...or 'ishq'...each one with its zillion unique connotations! So, no point trying to describe it...But, how about stuff I've read/heard about love. Stuff that defines how I see the...'concept'? Here goes...

The first thing that comes to my mind are Karla's lines from Shantaram: "She loved the guy. She did it for him. She would’ve done anything for him. Some people are like that. Some loves are like that. Most loves are like that, from what I can see. Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out—your friends, everyone you used to know. And it’s still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it. I’ve seen that happen to a lot of people here. I think that’s why I’m sick of love."

These lines have kinda stayed on in my mind...despite my preoccupation with fairytale-ish happy endings! Don't you see this all around you? People working so hard to keep alive what is evidently a lost cause... It's sad, but it's one of the many things which you come across and think 'it would never happen to me/us'. I'm not sick of love, but I totally understand what Karla's talking about!

"Kehte hain ishq jise Ghalib/ khalal hai dimaag ka"

I am unaware of the source of this piece of wisdom. I love the all-in-the-mind connotation though! :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is slowly losing your mind!"

:D 27 Dresses...no prizes for guessing! Chick-flicks are fulllllll of gyaan!

This one gives me respite on all those blue days :)

"Haar nahi, jeet nahi, jahan pyaar hai/ Jisme haar jeet hai woh kahan pyaar hai"

Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai

As cheezy as it gets. From a Yashraj movie, no less! hehe...I have no idea whose lyrics these are. But they feel so right! What's the point of contested love anyway?

"Sach mere yaar hai/ Bas wohi pyaar hai/ Jiske badle mein koi toh pyaar de/ Baaki bekaar hai...yaar mere"

Sagar

This song made me feel so understood during my teens you know! hehe...Unrequited love has it's own charm! I am kind of a self-confessed champion of the same ;) And though it isn't much fun on most days, it's entertaining to look back on past 'crushes' and fantasize about what could have been :)

"Mohabbat bhi zindagi ki tarah hoti hai, har mod aasan nahi hota, har mod par khushiyan nahi hoti; toh jab hum zindagi ka saath nahi chodte to mohabbat ka saath kyun chod de?"

Mohabbatein

This is the awesomest of the lot. Awesome = cheezy here ;) If, for just a moment, you lay aside your prejudices against Shahrukh Khan and his kinda movies, you'll realize, that these are very profound lines... Don't laugh!!! :P

"...love burns brighter than sunshine...Love will remain a mystery/ but give me your hand and you'll see/ Your heart is keeping time with me..."

Aqualung (from the Soundtrack for 'A Lot Like Love')

My favourite song from my all-time favourite movie! Need I say any more? :)

To label or not to label...?

All of us use labels. We label things. We label places. We label memories and experiences. But most often, we label people. Not everyone supports the notion though. Some go as far as claiming it to be a discriminatory practice. Is it?

I have been thinking about it. In a way, labels make life more convenient. For instance, if I label someone I know as 'outspoken but good at heart', I would know better than to take offence at every little thing they say. If I label a person as 'selflessly helpful', I know who to go to when I need a favour. Quite convenient, no? No. Because we end up labelling not only people we know, but also ones we barely have any clue about. This is when the harmless categorizing turns to vicious stereotyping. Come to think of it, this is the kinda labelling all those people are harping against!

Hmm...fine. So do we not label people at all? I don't think that's going to work! It's quite a necessary-evil kinda situation!

Then there's this whole issue about names of labels. So people with low IQ can't be termed as mentally challenged. People with schizophrenia can't be called schizophrenics. Fat people can't be called fat. Poor people can't be called poor. So we have terms like 'healthy' and 'economically disadvantaged' and god-knows-what-not to refer to these things. Aren't we just complicating simple stuff? I am all for equal rights and all that...and I'm not saying this just 'coz I'm worried about what Saloli might say! ;) ...but I'm the kind who believes in the 'a rose called by any other name would smell just as sweet' philosophy! We need to start respecting people. True. Irrespective of their health or monetary status. Irrespective of their colour, shape, social standing, gender and all possible categories along which we discriminate! BUT, calling them something else is not helping in anyone! People who referred to special children as "paagal" may not use the latter term any more (at least publicly), but there's hardly any change in perception! The paranoia continues. The misgivings are still in place.

Is it enough to blame the label for it then? What needs to change is not the name but it's connotation. Easier said than done, of course. But there are people working on it. Quite diligently. The least we can do is try to de-clutter our mind of the complex labels and look for the person behind it. It is just a tiny amount of extra effort. Wouldn't hurt to try :)