what goes on within

They tell me I should talk.

I wish I could. I wish I had words to voice what I feel.

They say talking would make me feel better, lighter – I’d give anything to get rid of the crushing weight that now seems to be permanently latched to my heart.

But it is not so much lack of desire to talk, as the inability to express what’s going on within. If I had words for those feelings, I would speak. But the images that haunt me are…inexplicable. Hurt, anger, grief, betrayal…these words seems just so…inadequate!

I remember things as they had been not too long ago. Vivid pictures of what was not my ‘past’ but ‘present’…these pictures are too clear to be real. Other memories fade, but these stand out. Like they were shot on an especially superior film…or painted in the most brilliant colors. Perhaps my mind adds dimensions of its own, making everything else seem drab in comparison.

The pain – if that’s what this is, has me in its hold. They say I look like a tortured being. Maybe they are right…I haven’t had the heart to look at myself in days. Someone recently mentioned that I looked ‘broken’. That’s closer to how I feel.

They tell me I will heal. I wish I could hope, but all I see is jagged wounds. Or are those scars that are healing?