1st Week at Gym

Day 1 - Indifferent
Day 2 - "Yes! At this rate I'm gonna be all svelte by the end of this month!"
Day 3 - Ache n stiffness in non-existant body parts..."I think I'll give this fitness thing a miss"
Day 4 - Panting n huffing..."This has to get better!"
Day 5 - The stiffness is gone...on the road to fitness. "Yahoo!"
Day 6 - "Help!!!! The instructor's trying to kill me!!!"

what goes on within

They tell me I should talk.

I wish I could. I wish I had words to voice what I feel.

They say talking would make me feel better, lighter – I’d give anything to get rid of the crushing weight that now seems to be permanently latched to my heart.

But it is not so much lack of desire to talk, as the inability to express what’s going on within. If I had words for those feelings, I would speak. But the images that haunt me are…inexplicable. Hurt, anger, grief, betrayal…these words seems just so…inadequate!

I remember things as they had been not too long ago. Vivid pictures of what was not my ‘past’ but ‘present’…these pictures are too clear to be real. Other memories fade, but these stand out. Like they were shot on an especially superior film…or painted in the most brilliant colors. Perhaps my mind adds dimensions of its own, making everything else seem drab in comparison.

The pain – if that’s what this is, has me in its hold. They say I look like a tortured being. Maybe they are right…I haven’t had the heart to look at myself in days. Someone recently mentioned that I looked ‘broken’. That’s closer to how I feel.

They tell me I will heal. I wish I could hope, but all I see is jagged wounds. Or are those scars that are healing?

She hates being alone

She can’t stand crowds

Paradox, you may say

But I understand somehow

The two might seem different

But are more similar than apart

‘Coz loneliness

Is what lies at the heart.

Twilight

Braving friends’ /family’s don’t-tell-me-you-hadn’t-read it-till-now-comments…I recently read Twilight and the books that followed. And it’s safe to say, I haven’t been hooked-on to any series like this since Harry Potter! Of course, it is foolish to compare the two. I’m just talking about the addictiveness factor here. Having blackmailed everyone who’d read the books/seen the movies into not uttering a Word about it, when I was around…it was fun reading without having the slightest clue about what was next! Okay, I did know that Bella and Edward wouldn’t ‘die’ in the first three books...lol... But that was it.

So anyway, I loved the books. When I started out with Twilight, it seemed like your regular high-school drama. And essentially, that’s what it is – girl falls for the most unattainable boy and by some sheer luck, boy falls for her too. Quite simple. So I was a li'l wary…coz hey! I have been outta high school for over half a decade now…But it wasn’t quite as run-of-the-mill as I expected it to be. By the time Edward realized that he was irrevocably in love with Bella, I had let my guard down and was totally enamored by the story. I just had to read the whole thing. The entire series was just so…'gripping’! (yes, the flavor is essentially teenage-romance, but what the heck ;) ) And after reading the draft of Midnight Sun (here), it felt kinda incomplete and frustrating to not have Edward’s take on everything!!! Let’s all request the author to do the entire series from his point of view! ;)

Out of the lot, Breaking Dawn is my favorite! I love the filmy flavor! :D n I louuuve Renesmee! Perfectly concluded! New Moon is great too (considering the sucker I am for happy-endings, this is no surprise). Bella’s insanity seemed so justified! Eclipse though was a super bummer. What with Jacob being a royal pain and Edward being frustratingly nice. Ughh. All the more reason why I wanted to know what he was thinking! You know, after a bit, I started feeling inadequate for not being able to read people’s thoughts! Haha…

As for the movie…the dumbest thing one can do with a movie adapted from a book is to expect it to live up to the book. It can’t. It mostly doesn’t. (Unless it is Namesake) So all I wanted to see was whether the characters looked like what I had imagined them to be...I wanted to see the Cullens... And I wanted to see what Forks was like. And the school they went to. And La Push…

I think it’s Stephanie Meyers fault :) She makes Edward seem so flawlessly perfect in the books that no one can possibly match up to the description. And Robert Pattinson…well, he is just too human! He’s a cute boy, no doubt…and I loved him as Cedric Diggory and love the connection with HP. But as Edward…nah-ah. But then, I don’t think anyone else would measure up either, so we’ll let that be. Bella was…pretty close. Though I had imagined someone more petite. The others pretty much fit the bill. Just that, weren’t vampires supposed to be white white? Bella and Esme were the same colour!

All this ranting apart, the books were a good distraction. When I really needed one. Do you notice how the time just before you fall asleep is the time you are only with yourself. I wouldn’t call that loneliness. But it’s a sorta not-so-great situation when you have a painful lot on your mind that you’re trying to push out of your consciousness.

Now that this is done, any more suggestions? I’m up for more distraction! :)

One reason why I don't do year-end posts is that usually I can think back to only a few months. Or rather, whatever's happened in the last few months overshadows the rest because of its recency. Same thing this year. But I came across this application called "My Year in Status" on Fb...and going through a year's statuses took me to places I had all but forgotten. So much happened this year. Major things that could have entire posts dedicated to them. Also a few seemingly inconsequential ones that made the year what it was. That make me what I am. And since the application wouldn't let me publish all my statuses, I am putting them up here. To remind me of the year that was. To make me see the :( as well as the :) 'Coz after going through the list...the year looked like there was more 'happy' than 'sad'...or maybe I just don't put up everything on Fb. Here are the highlights:

JANUARY

had d most unexpectedly cool start to the new year!

"if ur happy n u know it...la la la..."

mants m.a. to end alredy!!!!!!!

FEBRUARY

had a gooooooooood day :)

is in a strangely relaxed state ... (when i know i Shouldn't!)

hereby declares data collection as 'done' :D

MARCH

it's done! Feels great!

y cudn't m.a. end with the dissertation?!

"Holi is my fav festival again!"

today was niiiiice :)

white noise

is happy again *grin* *grin*

loves south campus library

we should have earth hour every weekend!

saw ducklings today! real ones! which swam!

APRIL

personality type: procrastinating :(

messed up :|

maybe i'll worry for the next viva...

there was egg curry n veg biryani in canteen today!

is addicted to word challenge now... (damn y have i been gettin such a crappy score?!)

finally a respectable score on word challenge! phew! :D

a week-long brek...just when it'd started feeling like exams!

ToP, PMS and an upset stomach...quite a week!

current addiction: ht blogs.

wants to vote. for no one.

y can't a draw be a draw?! :(

has never been so sick of exams before

almost done with m.a. n baby sister all chic-type on fb...i feel ooooold

"i gave my first ever job interview today!" :)

MAY

looking fwd to this week :) and the ones that'll follow :)

words of wisdom: sometimes, it's best 2 jst shut up!!

super messed up with 'time' but still on fb...

ah! Gazalee... :D

is enjoying the much needed time-out. life's good :)

time just seems to fly in pune!!! just yday it looked like i had a week...now i can barely see a couple of days more! sheh!

JUNE

is back...back to my pink comp...back to unlimited wireless internet..back home! :D

is berozgaar

bye-bye for a while..i think ;)

time travelled for the first time ever! yay!

has never bin away from FB for so long!! (pawan r u listening?? :P )

"when in Rome, do as Romans do"...umm...uhhh...wat exactly do romans do???!

is gna take bk loadsa memories n a few good friends from the euro tour...

the buildings here seem right outta a harry poter movie! (one of them actually is)

how would u feel if a random box of chocolates turned out 2 b the yummiest liquor chocs ever! :D

thank you-please-thank you please-thank you -thank you-please...ughh!

is feeling nostalgic for no reason.

JULY

Back n totally lukkhi

is off to Jaipur

GO SID!! Ice Age rocks!! :)

is super relieved! Thank u Roddick!!

it's unethical to switch off ur fone on ur bday!!!!!!

♪♪ ajj din chadheya.............tere rang warga.....♪♪

delhi's got rains :) d nice non-muggy ones finally! :)

needs 2 c HP6 b4 the whole world forms an opinion against it! half the world's alredy there...

:) :) :)

WILL find work!

ritesh said "being unemployed is the last module of your course" :)

loves everything that's got anything 2 do wid harry potter :D

AUGUST

my lappy is beemar..boohooooo :'(

shahid kapoor is (currently) eyecandy of the highest order!

Tried reallyyyyy hard to like Love-aaj-kal..bt alas!

bombay actually seemed nice last night...maybe coz i kno im gna be outta here soon :)

swine flu go away!!

they held up shahrukh khan..hawww!

thank u skype :) yday was fun!!!

our DC videos r soooooooooo much fun to watch!!! hilarious!!! :D :D

drained............

unemployed no more! yippeeeeee! :D

SEPTEMBER

no comp..no fb. y did i want to get a job?!

its raining! its raining! and i can hear it in my room! :D

sleepy sunday :)

bunny's bday 2moro! yay :D

stuffed!!!!!! big chill never disappoints :D

gets put off by the mention of religion in places where it shouldn't be considered important

joined twitter [n im 'following' imran khan :D ]

sleep's on my mind. Sunday is NOT weekend...working saturdays r terrible terrible things!

needs serious deaddiction from fb!

DD turned 50 :) I wish it was still as good. I wish there was anything as good!

giggly girls all the way! :D

been all smiles all day :) well, almlst all day ;) id mubaraq yall!

bright new day...it better b good! ;)

yay yay yay! festive season's here :) n a TWO day weekend!! :D

kehte hain jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai. really?

OCTOBER

"iktara" from Wake Up Sid...wow....

"सुन रही हूँ सुध बुध खो के कोई मैं कहानी ..पूरी कहानी है क्या, किसे है पता........ मैं तो किसी की होके, ये भी न जानी, रुत है ये दो पल की या.... रहेगी सदा" awwwww :)

winter will b here...sometime! ;)

wake up sid: movie of the year!!!! i looooved it !! :D the euphoria will last for a while ;)

diwali time! :D

wats worse...shallow or hollow?

diwali is sooooo colorful :) love the lit up houses all over! :) :)

i DON'T get the point of working on a festival day! I don't LIKE the idea of working on a festival day!!!!

is a happy person today

has a PLAN. Well...kinda! ;)

dis aquarium thing has such spooky music! n so many ppl on it alredy!

NOVEMBER

evry1's going away in november! :(

Zzzzzzzzz..........

i dont c wat ne1 can c in ne1 else...but u.....!

such an exciting match! n still such a bummer :(

spent the day doing what i'm best at...lazing around :)

it's mryn's bday!! :) :) :)

mindless movie+3giggly girls+nice weather = a sunday well spent :)

i'm in love with the songs from Ajab prem ki watever watever!

thoko-d PCR van!

Saloni Taneja I love u! thnx for makin me feel less foolish!! ;)

should waste less time being blue. like Mrynal Seewooruthun says, we should remembr that blue is also for sky n sea ;)

thank u god for the world so sweet. thank u god for the food we eat. thank u god for the birds that sing. Thank You God For EVERYthing!

every1 sez i should think of all the happy moments we had with him...all i can think of is the fact that there won't be any more of those :(

DECEMBER

madhuri's back :)

i'm so relieved it went well. Banashree Deka- i'm gna miss inkblot!

farmville wouldn't open! :( stupid stupid connection!!!

'mess' seems like an understatement.

Saloni's play at Sri Ram Centre today at 6!!

******************************************************************

That's too long already...but there are other things that didn't get mentioned...like the fact that Shweta had a baby boy and Svet got married! like my brother is back to delhi for good. and more...

I will always associate this year with losing Dennis. But there was more to it...so much more.

if i shut my mind and don't let myself think

if i pretend that there is lots to do and hardly any time

then the pain doesn't seem so bad...it is negligible.

it's almost as if nothing happened

i've been trying

and i am getting better

at fooling myself into believing that everything is okay

but if i drop my guard for even a moment

the flood of emotions is too overpowering...

i'm doing quite well

if i say so myself

maybe, if i try a lil harder, i will forget about the pain.

Let's start with a basic premise - I am an idiot. I accept it full-fledgedly. And I was duped outta good two hundred rupees. Out of sheer foolishness on my part. Here's how.

I was parking my car in some lane this afternoon. When two girls, maybe a couple of years younger than me, came up with a wicker basket full of 10 rupee notes just when I was getting outta the car. So these sweet young girls tell me that they are collecting money for chadhao-ing on Ajmer sharif. I kinda liked them (do Not ask why!) so decided to humor them by handing over a tenner. Dus rupaye dene se kya farak padta hai na vaise bhi.
So anyway, the one who was holding a basket then told me that I should give 2 notes out of which one she will hand me back immediately. I did so. After which she said I should give a bigger denomination note. I gave a hundred rupee note. (I am smartness personified!)... To which she objected saying I should hand two notes of the same denomination at the same time. Since I had had enough of it (or so I thought) I told them to buzz off. And she got all serious and said stuff like 'Baba aankhein le lega' n the like. I am usually not a superstitious person. But I didn't want to take chances (which makes me a superstitious person now!). I handed over another 100 note. And then she said, 'ye paise hum dargah pe chadhaenge, aur tumhe dugune hokar milenege'. I was totally miffed by then! I was like, what-the-hell! Gimme back my money! And she went on with more scary stuff about how 'baba' would not forgive me if i didn't give 'hastey hastey'. And you know what?! I did not say anything. I am such an idiot!!!
I don't know if it's just me, or do these things happen otherwise as well. All of you, please don;t stop to chat up people like that. It's unfair. It's cheap. And God most definitely doesn't want money outta cheating! If only I had thought of this earlier! :(
Now that I think of what really happened in those 2 minutes...I wonder what made me give in so easily. Was it their charm? Or just my inability to be assertive? I could have raised an alarm. It was just a couple of puny girls. Why didn't I? And I never even give anything to people who are begging on the signals. What was I thinking!