Freaking out when your period is late

A delayed 'period' (or "part of the menstrual cycle when a woman bleeds from her vagina for a few days"  -NHS) is never fun. Freaking out when your period is late is normal, right? The days (or, God forbid, weeks!) leading up to it, are nothing short of hell though! Here are the 10 phases of near-hell that I recently survived...

10.Before period was due
Could I be pregnant? That would be so cool! I hope it's twins :P

9.A couple of days late...
Shit! What if I am actually pregnant?? Does that really mean no alcohol? Do I even want kids?

8.Almost a week and no period...
Time for a pregnancy test. I don't feel pregnant, but what if I am? What if my fat is hiding a baby within? With my belly, it is quite possible! Maybe I just need to lose some weight. Maybe it's the change of place. But I need to be sure it's not a baby!

7.When the test says NOT pregnant!
Mixed feelings. I was kinda thinking of ways to announce my pregnancy while I waited for the stick to work the result. Well, thank God I am not pregnant! I wish I was though...wouldn't it be nice to have a baby or two? Am I too old to get pregnant?

6.Ten days late and still no sign of blood...
The typical PMS is starting to show. I can positively tell that I will be down by the end of the day today. At the most by tomorrow. These mood swings can't get any worse! Maybe I should try to find some papaya? 

5.Second pregnancy test.
It is day no.13 now. This is starting to get creepy. What if I am actually pregnant? There was something about false negatives I had read. Why did I have that glass of wine!? I wish my baby isn't born deformed!!!

4.Alarm bells ringing
What? another negative???! What if I have hit menopause? What if something's really really wrong with me on the inside? What if I am taking this too casually. Let me figure out how to get an appointment with a gynaecologist! 

3.Over two weeks later...
It's never been this late. I have even started going to the gym (well, OK, I just went once, but still!)! Must ask mom. I am officially freaking out now. Are these real cramps or just wishful thinking on my part? I feel fat and ugly and sleepy. And fat! And low. And did I say fat?

2.I'm NEVER gonna have my period.
Gotta see a doctor. Enough delay already! This might be a sign. Maybe my reproductive system ha gone on a long vacation. I hope this can be cured. What will I do with all those sanitary pads if I never have a period again?

1.Almost 3 weeks after due date...
Wtf! I am going to be reckless and wear my new silky panty. Can't let the fear of staining ruin my life! Out for a lovely dinner with the husband and, ta-da! Out with the blood! Woohoo! The choke up is finally clearing out! Thank you God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Jokes apart though, my armchair research tells me that delayed periods could result from various causes, which include but are not limited to - PCOD, weight gain/loss, acute change in weather, high stress and hormonal imbalance. I am due to see a gynae soon. If you or anyone you know is going through any menstruation related complications, don't ignore it. Reproductive health is important. Take care!

She sat with her back to the rest of them. She stared at her screen, listening in to every single word they said. Mentally joining the conversation with witty come backs and silly anecdotes. She did not mean to eves-drop. She was struggling to find the balance between cool and needy, awkward and self-assured, confident and anxious. Every. Single. Moment.

She hesitated to join the conversation - often wondering if it would be rude. Worried that they would suddenly go quiet, again. So she pretended to be busy. Typing or reading. All the while waiting for some cue to join in. Half-hoping that they would ask her a question, easing her way into the discussion. That never happened though. After a few minutes, she became supremely conscious of the fact that she was the only one in the room who was silent. Who was not 'included'. Maybe they were talking about her? Gesturing about how weird she was to always be quiet. If only they could hear the turmoil she experienced.

Every day she told herself that she would make an effort, that she wouldn't care about a possible reaction, that she would just be herself. But she WAS being herself. She was shy, and reserved and self-conscious. She didn't want any special treatment, she just wanted them to be a little welcoming. Maybe it was unrealistic to wish for this. After all, it was not their job to make her comfortable. She had to do it for herself. But it just wasn't happening. She had to admit she was doing better than before. She didn't feel her heart pounding out of her chest every time she heard her colleagues start a conversation. Initially it was the dilemma of whether or not to join the conversation. Now it was the pressure of not creating an impression that she was...that she was someone weird and rude and mean and didn't care to join them in their talks.

The people who knew and loved her couldn't understand. They were unable to comprehend why someone so cheerful and friendly was finding it so challenging to fit in. Truth was, she was not sure herself. Yet this was the reality she lived with every day. It was not a catastrophe. It was not like her world was crashing down. Yes, she was uncomfortable. But she knew she would get used to the discomfort too. Perhaps that scared her more than anything.

Difficult decisions

My grandmother is very unwell. She has been deteriorating for the last few weeks. It is heart-breaking to see her shriveling like that. Of course I want her to get better. Of course I want her to get out of bed and walk around like I am used to seeing her. A part of me knows though, that the possibility of that happening is quite bleak. It is something all of us have been told indirectly by the doctor.

Last week, she stopped all food and water intake and was semi-conscious for almost the entire day - flitting in and out of wakefulness and sleep. That's when the time came for one of the most difficult decisions. She is lucky in that she is surrounded by her children and grandchildren who love her dearly. But having so many people care for you complicates matter too. Every one of us wants the best for her. Each of us want her to 'be back'. Yet, there is a fundamental difference of opinions and values. While some have deep faith in medical miracles, others are of the opinion that prolonging her pain is unnecessary.

The question was, whether to admit her to a hospital or continue to care at home. It was hope vs. acceptance of a painful reality. But more than that, it was also the guilt - of giving up too easily, of not having done enough. After much deliberation, disagreement and drama, it was decided that she would be moved to a hospital. So that she could get round the clock professional attention, so that if there was even the slightest chance of her recovery - it wasn't missed.

It has been almost 4 days now. She is in the ICU. Only allowed visitors for 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. Undergoing multiple tests everyday. With tubes stuck down her nose and wrist. Knowing her, I am guessing she is terrified. Her fear of abandonment must be stronger than ever before.

What is the point of this, I wonder. I understand why my elders made the decision they did. I know it was not an easy one. Yet I can't help but think - what if we had a different view of life and death? What if prolonging life artificially did not trump respecting death? Why are we doing this to her? So she lives on for a few more weeks? Are we really doing anything to reduce her pain? Or just consoling ourselves that we didn't let go. And who is it that we are trying to convince? We love her, we all do. Why does it have to be proved this way?