It's that time again...I am nearing the end of another academic year/course...and like always, not very sure of 'what next'. Seems like every time I resolve this issue, it comes back with greater force! Well, to be fair I haven't really been resolving it, more like finding ways for putting off the resolution...or final decision or whatever you want to call it!

I'm in a happy place right now...no need for anyone to know any of this, but I haven't blogged for ages...n since I have piles of work waiting to be completed, this seems like the perfect time to get back to the blog! :D

So well...what DO i blog about?! I haven't read anything in a long long time...haven't seen any new movies (saw August Rush a while ago n lovvvveeeddd it to bits!)...haven't really felt like writing about anything...umm...maybe i'll come back some other time! Till then...!

I love surprises. It doesn't matter whether it's big or small...whether it's a material object or a gesture or a surprise visit...what makes surprises so special is that they make me feel special. The joy of knowing that someone cares enough for that smile of yours...of knowing that they made an effort to put together something just to see the look on your face :)

I have been blessed with more than my fair share of surprises. My first memory of a surprise was when I was 8 or 9 I think. I have always loved animals. Always wanted a pet. And like most parents, mine wouldn't let me have one. So I had to settle by 'adopting' stray pups and kittens. To be honest I hardly adopted, but was adopted by them! They were fulfilling my need to love animals...I wasn't really doing much for them, apart from an occasional saucer of milk or slice of bread...Anyway, coming back to my first surprise...

It was during one of the summer holidays, most of which I spent at my nani's in Mulund. Those were fun times. With cousin nanis, nanas, mamas n maasis living close by. Me and my brother spent a lot of time at their places. The adulation was hard to pass...we were the only grandchildren for a long long time :D So, on one such day, close to the end of hols, we went to my cousin nana's place in the evening. Just like that. (when did i stop going to people's places JLT?!..it used to be so effortless!) And he asked me to go to the kitchen, to see if I found anything 'different'. Given my bleak observation skills, it was no surprise that I found nothing different. But I was more curious as a child than I am now, so I was just snooping through the things kept on the counter...and guess what I saw in one vessel?!?!?! There, swimming timidly in a huge steel bowl was a beautiful little tortoise!!!!! He'd bought it for me! You can't imagine how I felt at that moment! Or maybe you can...

The point is...he died today. And I'm reminded of all the awesome things he did. Not just the tortoise incident (which, BTW was a HUGE milestone in my life)...I feel swept under a wave of nostalgia. So many parts n people from my childhood are no more....the change feels overwhelming.

It's funny how some seemingly insignificant things make such a difference! I just arranged my class notes and handouts in order today...and even though that's hardly an achievement, it's put me in a great mood :) Well, considering the fact that the last time I did it was sometime in the beginning of December does make it a sorta achievement ;)

Sometimes, all you need to do is to file things in a pretty ring binder. Sort your thoughts n put them away in a neat stack. Doesn't solve the problem. But makes things less overwhelming. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Maybe it is an attractive form of avoidance. I don't know. But it seems to have worked for me, for now. And the great believer in first steps that I am, this one's another way to an awesome start (even though in my case it's mostly well begun AND half done!).

Now that my thoughts are arranged (not sorted)...I know that I can come back to them when I am in the right frame of mind (or when I just have to deal with them...lol). It gives me a better perspective. What seemed messy just a while ago is now much more manageable!

you are not around

but your fragrance lingers on

i can't see you

but your presence is not gone

physical distances hurt

but they don't feel real

love is my reality

i feel it every time i breathe

you worry that i will

go away one day

don't you see

i am here to stay

i have become a part of you

as you became mine

and that can't be taken away

even if we try

embracing vulnerability

All that begins must come to an end...or at least change into something else. It is inevitable, right? Why, then, do goodbyes take us by surprise? Why is it so difficult to let go...to cope with change?

One of the reasons, for me, is the inability to come to terms with my vulnerability. I can't accept the fact that I feel so immensely vulnerable when someone leaves or when things change or look like they might...So, in order to not come across as clingy, I 'back-off before you have a chance to push me away'.

Being on this course has given me loads of opportunities to see get to know myself better. It's like having the spotlight focused not on, but within you...at all times. It does get overwhelming. Even a bit stressful at times. But largely, it is exhilarating. It is a heady feeling recognizing things about you that you knew all along but never really paid attention to...never realized what impact it was having on everything you did...

So, coming back to being vulnerable... We were shown this video in class a few weeks ago http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html and I hope you see it too...For me, it was one of those life changing things...like reading Who Moved My Cheese and The Alchemist...or like watching Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi.

I don't want to tell you what I got out of it...I don't want to contaminate what you could get out of it. But I really hope you watch it...and make sense of it in a way that works for you :)

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BUT, I will talk about it anyway (in the hope that you saw it before you read on..lol). One of the major things that came out of this for me was the realization about how strongly vulnerability was affecting the way I relate to everyone around me. How, I almost keep myself away from any 'risky' experience in order to 'protect' myself... and how this was in fact stemming from my fear of being 'unloved'. Like all other life-changing things I have stumbled across, this one has not transformed me into a new person overnight ;) But it has brought about a new awareness. So that now when I back off, I know what I am doing. And I try not to. It isn't a magical metamorphosis. It is definitely a move in a positive direction though...

It's one of the many wonderful things I have learnt while on this course. Wonderful, not painless. But I am thankful nevertheless.

my theory of life

ok this isn't really a theory. but u weren't expecting one anyway, right? ;) this post is more like my very own compilation of beliefs about life n people...but that doesn't sound so great for a title, does it? hehe

Life is precious. It's a one-time experience, at least as the person you are right now (yes, I believe wholeheartedly in Karz and OSO), so try and make the most of it. Like, I consider it almost criminal to be callous about it!

Everything happens for a good reason. Everything. We don't always know the reasons right away. Sometimes, we never know the reasons. But God does...or the 'universe', if you please. And it doesn't owe you an explanation :P So, even though you might think Uday Chopra made a huge mistake by becoming an actor, there is most definitely a good reason in it (I never promised to not be random!)

Miracles happen. This could actually be a subpoint of the all-for-a-reason tenet. Miracles are actually just things happening in reaction to something you have totally forgotten about, so it seems like a miracle in the present! How do I explain....See, for instance you might think your girlfriend forgiving you for being a pig is a miracle (yes I'm sexist too), but it is actually only 'coz she has done...no no, this isn't going well. Find your own example!

The world is made up of good and bad in almost equal measure. There are as many good people out there as there are absolute creeps. Also, each one of us, has both good and evil within. What we unleash is a matter of choice and also a matter of what kinda people we are around.

I'm sorta done ranting for tonight. I didn't go beyond 3 beliefs?! What a shame! My laziness will be the end of me!

Could it be true that what you do on the first day of the new year is indicative of how you will spend the remaining year?! In my case, it seems to be! I slept most of 1st Jan. Actually...it would be fair to say that I slept through most of Jan!! Not the gosh-its-cold-and-I'm-sick-sleep...but the awww-don't-I-just-looooooooove-sleeping-sleep!! Not good I tell you...not good at all! Specially when you have at least five deadlines zooming towards you at the speed of light!

Things got a little better after a full blown panic attack a few days ago. I feel more 'sorted'. (Actually, what does that mean? I've been saying that a lot! Maybe it's something I picked up in the counselling classes! haha). Motivation to complete the work still alludes me. But I'm getting there. Which is to say that instead of sleeping, I now watch movies and castle. So I'm definitely out of bed! And thanks to watching Social Network, I'm even more in love with Fb :D

Oh n did I tell you about my addiction to Gossip Girl?! One would have thought I had outgrown SweetValley-type stuff. Apparently not. I have just graduated to sleeker things! haha. Maybe you've already seen GG...maybe you loathe it (I did too, initially....but was hooked nevertheless!)...maybe you love it...despite the fact that everyone has slept with everyone (no exaggeration here), the people are good at heart! ;) Honestly! You have to see it to believe it!