my theory of life

ok this isn't really a theory. but u weren't expecting one anyway, right? ;) this post is more like my very own compilation of beliefs about life n people...but that doesn't sound so great for a title, does it? hehe

Life is precious. It's a one-time experience, at least as the person you are right now (yes, I believe wholeheartedly in Karz and OSO), so try and make the most of it. Like, I consider it almost criminal to be callous about it!

Everything happens for a good reason. Everything. We don't always know the reasons right away. Sometimes, we never know the reasons. But God does...or the 'universe', if you please. And it doesn't owe you an explanation :P So, even though you might think Uday Chopra made a huge mistake by becoming an actor, there is most definitely a good reason in it (I never promised to not be random!)

Miracles happen. This could actually be a subpoint of the all-for-a-reason tenet. Miracles are actually just things happening in reaction to something you have totally forgotten about, so it seems like a miracle in the present! How do I explain....See, for instance you might think your girlfriend forgiving you for being a pig is a miracle (yes I'm sexist too), but it is actually only 'coz she has done...no no, this isn't going well. Find your own example!

The world is made up of good and bad in almost equal measure. There are as many good people out there as there are absolute creeps. Also, each one of us, has both good and evil within. What we unleash is a matter of choice and also a matter of what kinda people we are around.

I'm sorta done ranting for tonight. I didn't go beyond 3 beliefs?! What a shame! My laziness will be the end of me!

Could it be true that what you do on the first day of the new year is indicative of how you will spend the remaining year?! In my case, it seems to be! I slept most of 1st Jan. Actually...it would be fair to say that I slept through most of Jan!! Not the gosh-its-cold-and-I'm-sick-sleep...but the awww-don't-I-just-looooooooove-sleeping-sleep!! Not good I tell you...not good at all! Specially when you have at least five deadlines zooming towards you at the speed of light!

Things got a little better after a full blown panic attack a few days ago. I feel more 'sorted'. (Actually, what does that mean? I've been saying that a lot! Maybe it's something I picked up in the counselling classes! haha). Motivation to complete the work still alludes me. But I'm getting there. Which is to say that instead of sleeping, I now watch movies and castle. So I'm definitely out of bed! And thanks to watching Social Network, I'm even more in love with Fb :D

Oh n did I tell you about my addiction to Gossip Girl?! One would have thought I had outgrown SweetValley-type stuff. Apparently not. I have just graduated to sleeker things! haha. Maybe you've already seen GG...maybe you loathe it (I did too, initially....but was hooked nevertheless!)...maybe you love it...despite the fact that everyone has slept with everyone (no exaggeration here), the people are good at heart! ;) Honestly! You have to see it to believe it!

Another year gone by...a decade's gone by in fact! And look at me succumbing to cliches...doing an 'year end' post no less! ;)

But try as much as I may, I can't really do 1...Why?

I am no good at this. I forget. Big Time!

Plus, this doesn't feel like the end of the year. I am in the middle of my year abroad! How can it feel like an end already? :P :P

Having said that, the last calender year has been 'happening'...to say the least. I had a bunch of firsts...including rad stuff like purple hair n tattoo on my back ;) A new relationship...love...rediscovering old friends... A new place and people. A better defined direction...and lots of ups and downs. I am 25. I am in a good place in life. And I have a million things to be thankful for. So let's keep it like that for now. I'll be back with the resolutions :)

Happy new year all of you!

First sight of snow

About a fortnight ago, I was pleasantly surprised to see that all the grass outside my house had turned a pale silver. It looked as though someone had made hours of painstaking effort to paint every single blade of grass (and all other surfaces)! it looked amazing! My first thought was, 'snow?!'...but that's not what it was. It was frost. And it made everything veryyyyyy pretty :) Everyone's always talking about the snow, how come no one mentioned frost in any positive context?! I was mesmerized by it! (So mesmerized, in fact, that I did not take a single picture!)

It made everything look so...edible!

A week or so passed quite uneventfully. On a Friday, I had some friends over...since the 'party' went on till late, I woke up only the next afternoon. And when I looked out, the sight was no short of breathtaking! I swear it was the most amazing sight ever! Frost has its own charm, but snow wins hands down! :) If ever there was a competition for "forms of precipitation/condensation/whatever-'water-appearing-on-earth'-is-called"...snow would be the clear winner!!

It looked magical! It isn't that I have never seen snow before. I have. But on all previous occasions, I had seen snow in hill stations - places where it was already there...places where it's been there for ages. But in Keele, I saw the landscape go from green to grey to a stunningly spectacular white! It is so personal you know! It is MY snow! :D

I was a li'l disappointed at having missed the first snowfall though...couldn't wait for it to snow again. And when it did...wow! If there's anything that beats the frothy-white that covers everything in sight, it is the beautiful candyfloss-ish tufts of snow descending from the sky. It is magic! It really is!!!

People here talk about the snow being a nuisance and a safety hazard and all that...my sympathies with all those who have to drive through the bad weather. But I don't have to! ;) So might as well enjoy it before I succumb to the characteristic cynicism of the human race! Can't wait for it to snow again :D Snow fight, anyone? :D

It's been almost a year. And over the last 12 months I have tried at least 1200 times to write about Dennis. But every time I started, I would find it impossible to carry on. Found it way too overwhelming to go on. I would start out with a happy thought about him...and in no time, bam! I could see those last few days and I was a goner. I would think, okay, it's been x months now, surely I'm more in control. Every single time I thought that, I would disappoint myself by breaking down. Looking back, it almost seems like set pattern. (Think about Dennis - feel thankful about the good times - start to pen down something about him - be reminded of his death - cry myself to sleep). But it wasn't. Every time, I was as surprised by my reaction as always. The frequency of the crying spells reduced...the intensity did not. I hardly talked about this. Whenever I did talk about Dennis, it was with a wistful smile and a complete lack of pain. I don't know why it was so easy to talk about his life in someone's company...and so impossible to even think about him when I was alone.

It's still the same. And lately, those last 3-4 days keep running through my mind. Very vivid images. I remember what I wore. I remember when I slept. I remember the song playing on the radio. It still isn't easy to talk about that time. But I have spoken to A and M about it. And even talked about the whole thing in a counselling practice session. It doesn't make things easier. Sure, it is wonderful to know that there are people who care. Yet, I know no one will know. And it isn't anybody's fault. My pain is my own. My guilt is my own. No one else can see my memories...how will they ever understand?!

In which case, why, you may think, am I writing this at all? I wanted the post to be about Dennis. But it ended up being about me. What does that say about me and my belief that grief is very personal, no one really knows what someone else is going through? Well yes, I still believe that no one will know my pain the way I do. But now, after having spoken about it, I also believe that shutting people out isn't the best way to deal with it. They wouldn't know till you tell them what it is like. You might not have the words right now, but try. And it will help them get closer to your reality. Help you to understand your pain better. And eventually, maybe in some tiny little way, make the pain grow dimmer. 'Coz that's what we really want, isn't it? At least that is what I want. I want to remember him fondly, not with remorse. And I never ever want to forget him or 'get over him'.

Some people have this undeniably irritating quality. It's not any one thing...nothing that I can put my finger on. But there are times...rare times, when I come across someone and instantly start disliking him/her. I come across these 'disliked' people so infrequently, that by the time I meet one I have totally forgotten why I disliked the previous one! So I dunno if I dislike /get put off by the same things or whether it's a whole spectrum of traits!

Not too long ago, I met one such guy. Highly irritating to say the least! Instantly got on my nerves. In my defense, it's not like he wasn't trying. But that came later. The minute I saw him I went...uh oh...not my type. Don't get me wrong now. For all practical purposes, I don't even have a type. I am quite a nice n tolerant person (even if I do say so myself ;) ). And it's not often that I get so majorly put off by a person. But after the not-so-happy start things just went downhill. And anything he said felt like long fingernails being scratched across the blackboard. Seriously! And his voice quality had nothing to with it :P Whatever he said...or did...or didn't do....it just irked me so!

I tried being 'person centred' about it. Unconditional positive regard and all that. Didn't work. I tried ignoring him. Didn't work. I tried being mean to him. Ok, not tried, I was mean ;) Felt good for a bit...but didn't do much either!

I guess the best way would be to steer clear. For my wellbeing. And his :D

Soulmates

Soul mate - someone who knows you inside out. Someone who understands; someone who cares. Someone who is like no other.

Until not too long ago, I didn't quite believe in the idea of 'soulmates'. It's not like I didn't think people could have soulmates...it's just that I never thought I would ever have one. I never expected to come across anyone who would be so....perfect.

I love the idea of soul mates now. Of finding that one person who mates your soul.

Who are these people then? They don't come with a halo over their heads or flashbulbs across their chest... These are normal everyday people who have the knack to really open up to you...the ability to make you open up unconditionally. And it is a two-way thing...like, to the world both of you may appear to be a block of marble. some people might urge you to carve into a horse...others might say you would make an exquisite rabbit. But it is only the two of you who know what the other's marble really holds. So, your soulmate knows your true potential. And trusts you to realize it even if others can't really see it yet. They are gonna be there till all the extra bits fall off. They are gonna be there to add what needs to be added. And you do the same for them. Knowingly and unknowingly...