Amusement parks, really?

You must have heard of people's things-to-do-before-turning-30 lists. I don't really have one. In fact, I have a things-I-never-want-to-do-even-if-I-live-to-be-100 list! Yes, that's the sort of person I am. Lazy. Boring. And not the least bit thrill seeking!

So, no one was more surprised than I was when I went on some of the scariest rides in this amusement park called Alton Towers yesterday. I don't think they call them amusement parks anymore. 'Cause well, there isn't much that's amusing about them!! Appu ghar was an amusement park, yes. But Alton Towers? Nooo! Back to the point though...my decision to go on these life-threatening rides was shaped, not in any small amount, by recently having seen this movie called Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. That and a constant self-talk starting and ending with "darr ke aage jeet hai" is what saw me through it, to be very honest! And I would have been very proud of myself for some of the things I rode...if only I hadn't felt woozy n hungover for the whole day today!!! So in retrospect, it seems like such a waste!!

What surprised me is how there were hordes of people there who were loving every minute of those rides. What surprised me even more is that despite finding it extremely torturous, I went through with most of it! I still can't believe I did it...and I'm talking about weird roller coaster things that flip you upside down, hurtle you down a ninety degree drop and stuff like that! Basically what happened is that a person whose body is used to a leisurely - bordering on lethargic - existence was suddenly flung into this topsy-turvy frenzy...blood that has gotten used to complacently ambling around in slow cycles found itself rushing from head to toe to head and back again in a matter of seconds! I realized I have, as a friend of mine put it - "a slow heart". He meant weak, but slow fits the bill better! At the end of it, I was so shook up that on the bus back home, every time we went up or down a hill, I expected the bus to flip over n run in loops! No kidding!

life after death...and stuff like that

I'm in one of my gyaan-dispensing moods right now. So, indulge me for a bit, won't you? What happens when we die? Do you think we 'live on'? Or is it just game over! I wonder what it would be like to be dead. I'm in no hurry to find out of course ;) But just wondering...will I just stop existing? Will I get to see how people react when I'm gone? Or would it be better to not be able to see? Will I be allowed to hang around as a spirit? For how long? How will it be decided what or where I am in my next life? Do you think I'll have a choice? Do you think I'll get to meet God? I think it's only fair to expect that! What about the soul...does it have a memory? Will mine remember all the things I have been before? Or will I just be a blob with no past?

For me, an ideal dead situation would be...going into a world where I get to meet all the people I know who are now dead. Like a reunion of sorts. At least for a few years...or whatever unit time is measured in in that world...Then we can all move on. But what if they have already served their time in the in between world by the time I arrive?! That would be such a shame!!

Thing is, I won't really know till I'm dead. What I'm trying to get at is this...we waste so much time plotting and planning for the future that it's easy to lose sight of the present. I know you've heard it a million times in a million different ways...live like there's no tomorrow, make most of today, etc etc.

But you still spend hours and days worrying yourself over the future. I know I do. It looms like a dark cloud over everything. And I find myself making choices on the basis of what would be best for 2, 3, 5 years later. Sure no harm in planning for tomorrow, but is it more important than right now? The weirdest part is, the future may or may not happen. I might get hit by a car tomorrow (if I get out of the house!). Or get buried in this very building in the next 5 minutes (chances of this being higher coz of all the newly-free-for-hols undergrads running around all the time!). Who knows! But there's no denying the fact that I have this moment.

So, what's the point of all this ranting? Nothing :) Absolutely nothing. I wanted to spend my present writing a blog post. And I just did. What do you want to do with this moment? :)

what if...

What if you find what you have been looking for? What if the search that seemed to last a lifetime came to an end? What if it isn’t what you thought it would be like? What if, after all this effort, you feel even more lost than before?

There you are

my precious one!

The moment I set my eyes on you,

I knew.

I knew there’s no going back

Comforts, I gave up.

Shade and rest

have become strangers to me.

But the sight of you, my precious one,

and I know this is where I want to be.

I have spent night after night

dreaming of your sweet face.

Braved all odds

to reach you here.

Seeing you, having you

guided my life

ruled my being.

I know of nothing else

but this strife.

This unquenched thirst

to have you my precious one.

But why does it feel this way?

Why is your lovely face

lined with worry, with doubt?

You are just as I had imagined,

but not quite.

What is it that’s not right?

What is it that stops me?

Stops you...

What holds us back?

Why does my tiredness

seem to clench my bones?

Why does your face

look like it doesn’t know?

Did I give up too much?

Did I give it up in vain?

Can you not feel my pain?

I long for one look.

One look of acceptance.

Or at least a flicker of recognition in your eyes.

But it doesn’t come.

I feel my feet give way,

feel my body crumble,

and my soul sink.

I feel it all

when I see you turn and walk away.

And then...I feel nothing at all.

Do you think I have lost it?

I'll tell you how I function...I come across something that I absolutely HAVE TO write about...jot down some of it in a diary...then type out a draft, and think it's really lame and leave it unpublished. When I come back to it a few days later, I can see what's wrong/missing...and it becomes a post. But for the last so many days, I seem to have come across nothing that I absolutely have to write about!! I still pushed myself into writing about something that seemed mildly interesting. Left it in draft state for days...weeks now...and it still seems so crappy!! I don't think I have that blog-y thing in me anymore! :( And like all other things I had thought I would enjoy, I am putting it off without any evident reason!

Oh but it isn't all glum! I recently went for an interview, and when asked what kind of books I liked, very matter-of-fact-ly admitted: Fiction. But they didn't stop at that! Next question: What sort of fiction? I was stumped! I couldn't possibly say chic-litt, could I? So I gave a broaaaadddd smile and said, at the risk of sounding silly, I like happy stories! Yes yes, I winced inwardly even as I said it. How can anyone say stuff like that in an interview? (Btw, it was only for a training placement...but I really really wanted it!!)

Have I told you before that I am the luckiest person I know? :D I got the position despite my daftness :)

p.s. LOOK at that! another meaningless post!!

It's that time again...I am nearing the end of another academic year/course...and like always, not very sure of 'what next'. Seems like every time I resolve this issue, it comes back with greater force! Well, to be fair I haven't really been resolving it, more like finding ways for putting off the resolution...or final decision or whatever you want to call it!

I'm in a happy place right now...no need for anyone to know any of this, but I haven't blogged for ages...n since I have piles of work waiting to be completed, this seems like the perfect time to get back to the blog! :D

So well...what DO i blog about?! I haven't read anything in a long long time...haven't seen any new movies (saw August Rush a while ago n lovvvveeeddd it to bits!)...haven't really felt like writing about anything...umm...maybe i'll come back some other time! Till then...!

I love surprises. It doesn't matter whether it's big or small...whether it's a material object or a gesture or a surprise visit...what makes surprises so special is that they make me feel special. The joy of knowing that someone cares enough for that smile of yours...of knowing that they made an effort to put together something just to see the look on your face :)

I have been blessed with more than my fair share of surprises. My first memory of a surprise was when I was 8 or 9 I think. I have always loved animals. Always wanted a pet. And like most parents, mine wouldn't let me have one. So I had to settle by 'adopting' stray pups and kittens. To be honest I hardly adopted, but was adopted by them! They were fulfilling my need to love animals...I wasn't really doing much for them, apart from an occasional saucer of milk or slice of bread...Anyway, coming back to my first surprise...

It was during one of the summer holidays, most of which I spent at my nani's in Mulund. Those were fun times. With cousin nanis, nanas, mamas n maasis living close by. Me and my brother spent a lot of time at their places. The adulation was hard to pass...we were the only grandchildren for a long long time :D So, on one such day, close to the end of hols, we went to my cousin nana's place in the evening. Just like that. (when did i stop going to people's places JLT?!..it used to be so effortless!) And he asked me to go to the kitchen, to see if I found anything 'different'. Given my bleak observation skills, it was no surprise that I found nothing different. But I was more curious as a child than I am now, so I was just snooping through the things kept on the counter...and guess what I saw in one vessel?!?!?! There, swimming timidly in a huge steel bowl was a beautiful little tortoise!!!!! He'd bought it for me! You can't imagine how I felt at that moment! Or maybe you can...

The point is...he died today. And I'm reminded of all the awesome things he did. Not just the tortoise incident (which, BTW was a HUGE milestone in my life)...I feel swept under a wave of nostalgia. So many parts n people from my childhood are no more....the change feels overwhelming.

It's funny how some seemingly insignificant things make such a difference! I just arranged my class notes and handouts in order today...and even though that's hardly an achievement, it's put me in a great mood :) Well, considering the fact that the last time I did it was sometime in the beginning of December does make it a sorta achievement ;)

Sometimes, all you need to do is to file things in a pretty ring binder. Sort your thoughts n put them away in a neat stack. Doesn't solve the problem. But makes things less overwhelming. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Maybe it is an attractive form of avoidance. I don't know. But it seems to have worked for me, for now. And the great believer in first steps that I am, this one's another way to an awesome start (even though in my case it's mostly well begun AND half done!).

Now that my thoughts are arranged (not sorted)...I know that I can come back to them when I am in the right frame of mind (or when I just have to deal with them...lol). It gives me a better perspective. What seemed messy just a while ago is now much more manageable!