Difficult decisions

My grandmother is very unwell. She has been deteriorating for the last few weeks. It is heart-breaking to see her shriveling like that. Of course I want her to get better. Of course I want her to get out of bed and walk around like I am used to seeing her. A part of me knows though, that the possibility of that happening is quite bleak. It is something all of us have been told indirectly by the doctor.

Last week, she stopped all food and water intake and was semi-conscious for almost the entire day - flitting in and out of wakefulness and sleep. That's when the time came for one of the most difficult decisions. She is lucky in that she is surrounded by her children and grandchildren who love her dearly. But having so many people care for you complicates matter too. Every one of us wants the best for her. Each of us want her to 'be back'. Yet, there is a fundamental difference of opinions and values. While some have deep faith in medical miracles, others are of the opinion that prolonging her pain is unnecessary.

The question was, whether to admit her to a hospital or continue to care at home. It was hope vs. acceptance of a painful reality. But more than that, it was also the guilt - of giving up too easily, of not having done enough. After much deliberation, disagreement and drama, it was decided that she would be moved to a hospital. So that she could get round the clock professional attention, so that if there was even the slightest chance of her recovery - it wasn't missed.

It has been almost 4 days now. She is in the ICU. Only allowed visitors for 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. Undergoing multiple tests everyday. With tubes stuck down her nose and wrist. Knowing her, I am guessing she is terrified. Her fear of abandonment must be stronger than ever before.

What is the point of this, I wonder. I understand why my elders made the decision they did. I know it was not an easy one. Yet I can't help but think - what if we had a different view of life and death? What if prolonging life artificially did not trump respecting death? Why are we doing this to her? So she lives on for a few more weeks? Are we really doing anything to reduce her pain? Or just consoling ourselves that we didn't let go. And who is it that we are trying to convince? We love her, we all do. Why does it have to be proved this way?