She sat with her back to the rest of them. She stared at her screen, listening in to every single word they said. Mentally joining the conversation with witty come backs and silly anecdotes. She did not mean to eves-drop. She was struggling to find the balance between cool and needy, awkward and self-assured, confident and anxious. Every. Single. Moment.
She hesitated to join the conversation - often wondering if it would be rude. Worried that they would suddenly go quiet, again. So she pretended to be busy. Typing or reading. All the while waiting for some cue to join in. Half-hoping that they would ask her a question, easing her way into the discussion. That never happened though. After a few minutes, she became supremely conscious of the fact that she was the only one in the room who was silent. Who was not 'included'. Maybe they were talking about her? Gesturing about how weird she was to always be quiet. If only they could hear the turmoil she experienced.
Every day she told herself that she would make an effort, that she wouldn't care about a possible reaction, that she would just be herself. But she WAS being herself. She was shy, and reserved and self-conscious. She didn't want any special treatment, she just wanted them to be a little welcoming. Maybe it was unrealistic to wish for this. After all, it was not their job to make her comfortable. She had to do it for herself. But it just wasn't happening. She had to admit she was doing better than before. She didn't feel her heart pounding out of her chest every time she heard her colleagues start a conversation. Initially it was the dilemma of whether or not to join the conversation. Now it was the pressure of not creating an impression that she was...that she was someone weird and rude and mean and didn't care to join them in their talks.
The people who knew and loved her couldn't understand. They were unable to comprehend why someone so cheerful and friendly was finding it so challenging to fit in. Truth was, she was not sure herself. Yet this was the reality she lived with every day. It was not a catastrophe. It was not like her world was crashing down. Yes, she was uncomfortable. But she knew she would get used to the discomfort too. Perhaps that scared her more than anything.
Dec 14, 2016
Nov 24, 2016
Demonitization, corruption and my two bits on it
Here's my two bits on a massive change that's swept India over the last couple of weeks. The first I heard of the 'demonitization' was through a forwarded WhatsApp message the husband read out while we were in Goa. My first reaction - it must be one of those fake forwards; ignore! Pretty soon, it became evident that the news was pretty real. This was around 9pm on 8th November.
The enormity of the change started sinking in over the next few days as we heard news and opinions about this change. (And of course the forwarded 'jokes' and images and GIFs!). The move has been politicized to no end, and rightly so, because above everything else it IS a political move. It definitely isn't the life saver, high moral ninja move that BJP would have us believe, but is it all bad?
Personally, I like the idea behind it. To make people accountable for the money they have. I do feel that it would - to some extent - start a trend towards discouraging demand for bribes. Some may say I am being foolishly optimistic. Quite likely, but I'd pick that over reflex cynicism any day.
Now about the flip side. I have witnessed and heard of the struggles people have faced in managing their work and lives in general due to the long ques at banks. I've come across people who claimed to be queuing up every single day for a week, only to be turned away stating that the bank was out of cash. People who have stood for hours waiting for their turn, while someone with 'contacts' flouts the que with no qualms. People who have struggled to fund the day's meal as they were out of cash and were only being paid in old currency. People who have had to miss work as they stood outside banks.
The idea of making our country and society free of corruption is a noble one. Sadly though, it seems to be failing because we are steeped in a mindset of entitlement and quick fixes. No one wants to stand in ques. No one wants to wait. So what do we do? We call up someone who knows someone to "arrange" for cash. We pay people to stand in line for us. We urge our domestic help to deposit our black money in their name.
So if you ask me, the demonitization is not causing all the trouble. It is us. The common people. If only we had the patience and discipline, this transition would have been way smoother! I understand that people dealing primarily in cash are struggling. I empathize with them. But I do not understand or appreciate people who have easy access to plastic money or online transactions, and are complaining about the "inconvenience". Since 8th November 2016, I have spent less than Rs.1000 in cash. And I have been alright.
So please, don't panic. Please don't add to the commotion. And for God's sake don't believe everything you hear. Go out, see what it's like for yourself before assuming the worst! You can actually contribute to reducing the panic! Please only withdraw as much money as you need. And spend it rather than hoarding!
And hey..change is fun! Enjoy the novelty of the 2000 and 500 rupee notes if you do manage to get hold of them ;)
The enormity of the change started sinking in over the next few days as we heard news and opinions about this change. (And of course the forwarded 'jokes' and images and GIFs!). The move has been politicized to no end, and rightly so, because above everything else it IS a political move. It definitely isn't the life saver, high moral ninja move that BJP would have us believe, but is it all bad?
Personally, I like the idea behind it. To make people accountable for the money they have. I do feel that it would - to some extent - start a trend towards discouraging demand for bribes. Some may say I am being foolishly optimistic. Quite likely, but I'd pick that over reflex cynicism any day.
Now about the flip side. I have witnessed and heard of the struggles people have faced in managing their work and lives in general due to the long ques at banks. I've come across people who claimed to be queuing up every single day for a week, only to be turned away stating that the bank was out of cash. People who have stood for hours waiting for their turn, while someone with 'contacts' flouts the que with no qualms. People who have struggled to fund the day's meal as they were out of cash and were only being paid in old currency. People who have had to miss work as they stood outside banks.
The idea of making our country and society free of corruption is a noble one. Sadly though, it seems to be failing because we are steeped in a mindset of entitlement and quick fixes. No one wants to stand in ques. No one wants to wait. So what do we do? We call up someone who knows someone to "arrange" for cash. We pay people to stand in line for us. We urge our domestic help to deposit our black money in their name.
So if you ask me, the demonitization is not causing all the trouble. It is us. The common people. If only we had the patience and discipline, this transition would have been way smoother! I understand that people dealing primarily in cash are struggling. I empathize with them. But I do not understand or appreciate people who have easy access to plastic money or online transactions, and are complaining about the "inconvenience". Since 8th November 2016, I have spent less than Rs.1000 in cash. And I have been alright.
So please, don't panic. Please don't add to the commotion. And for God's sake don't believe everything you hear. Go out, see what it's like for yourself before assuming the worst! You can actually contribute to reducing the panic! Please only withdraw as much money as you need. And spend it rather than hoarding!
And hey..change is fun! Enjoy the novelty of the 2000 and 500 rupee notes if you do manage to get hold of them ;)
Nov 2, 2016
Why "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil" was a disappointment
More than anything else, this movie was a disappointment for the sheer lack of depth! Whether it was the lead actors or their love interests...for me, not a single character was gripping. And that's a shame because the story had potential. It was not a new story, though it looked at the 'same old' from a slightly different angle. Instead of looking at boy meets girl and they lived happily ever after, I believe the attempt here was to hero unrequited love...or 'iktarfa pyaar'!
However, there's a difference between heroing Raja from Saagar versus Rahul of Darr. For no matter how cute the guy is, no is a no. Perhaps the disappointment is so much more since Pink had helped us refocus on the all important discourse on consent. And here we are, back to square one! Whether it is a crude moneyed guy from Haryana or a jet-setting Londoner, no matter where you are, who you are, forcing another person to reciprocate, either physically or emotionally, IS abuse.
So technically, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil champions the cause of Ayaan - an emotionally 'vulnerable' 30 year old - who just won't take no for an answer. Not when the girl says she wants to be friends 'only'; not when she marries the man she loves; not when she tells him she will never feel 'that way' for him; not when she slaps him. So this man is either has a huge sense of entitlement and just doesn't comprehend the concept of rejection. OR, he is just really dense. Owing to my love for Dharma Productions and all things Karan Johar, I tried reallllyyyyyyy hard to give this movie the benefit of doubt. But bro, this isn't 1985! We don't live in that era anymore! (It was amusing to see the likes of Ritesh Deshmukh and Hrithik Roshan tweeting in praise of the movie and the "performances". Seriously guys?)
Despite all of this, the movie does pull off some lovely songs with great lyrics. And beautiful people in beautiful places wearing beautiful clothes. The Urdu dialogues took it a bit too far though. Sounded like they were trying too hard. A few here and there would have been charming, but the way Aishwarya Rai's character Saba spoke was pretty hard to follow!! Perhaps the only somewhat sensible thing that happens in the movie is her breaking up with Ayaan!
Despite my rant, I don't think the movie is BAD like some posts on Fb make it out to be. It doesn't manage to get you hooked like a KHNH or K3G, but well...you need Shahrukh Khan to be around for more than a couple of minutes for that to happen I guess :D
However, there's a difference between heroing Raja from Saagar versus Rahul of Darr. For no matter how cute the guy is, no is a no. Perhaps the disappointment is so much more since Pink had helped us refocus on the all important discourse on consent. And here we are, back to square one! Whether it is a crude moneyed guy from Haryana or a jet-setting Londoner, no matter where you are, who you are, forcing another person to reciprocate, either physically or emotionally, IS abuse.
So technically, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil champions the cause of Ayaan - an emotionally 'vulnerable' 30 year old - who just won't take no for an answer. Not when the girl says she wants to be friends 'only'; not when she marries the man she loves; not when she tells him she will never feel 'that way' for him; not when she slaps him. So this man is either has a huge sense of entitlement and just doesn't comprehend the concept of rejection. OR, he is just really dense. Owing to my love for Dharma Productions and all things Karan Johar, I tried reallllyyyyyyy hard to give this movie the benefit of doubt. But bro, this isn't 1985! We don't live in that era anymore! (It was amusing to see the likes of Ritesh Deshmukh and Hrithik Roshan tweeting in praise of the movie and the "performances". Seriously guys?)
Despite all of this, the movie does pull off some lovely songs with great lyrics. And beautiful people in beautiful places wearing beautiful clothes. The Urdu dialogues took it a bit too far though. Sounded like they were trying too hard. A few here and there would have been charming, but the way Aishwarya Rai's character Saba spoke was pretty hard to follow!! Perhaps the only somewhat sensible thing that happens in the movie is her breaking up with Ayaan!
Despite my rant, I don't think the movie is BAD like some posts on Fb make it out to be. It doesn't manage to get you hooked like a KHNH or K3G, but well...you need Shahrukh Khan to be around for more than a couple of minutes for that to happen I guess :D
Jul 6, 2016
Fire
It scared her, how much she craved for his attention. For years,
she had shrugged off his advances – always putting up a mock agitated front to
all the flirting. She didn’t deny that she liked him. He knew it too. And they
often talked about the strange bond they shared. Having never met, they had managed to maintain this ‘relationship’ for over a decade. Mindless conversations, harmless flirting... long hours spent talking about nothing and everything. It wasn’t as rosy as it
sounds though. They had had their fall outs, lost touch for long spells of time.
Yet, for some inexplicable reason, they ended up reconnecting; ended up reminiscing
the good bits, happily forgetting the jarring reality.
One thing he made clear from the start: he was a married
man. And no amount of flirting threatened his commitment to his family. She appreciated
this. Perhaps even respected him for it. But it was hard to keep track of her
own feelings. He had a way with words. He had a way of making her feel special.
And invariably, she felt guilty. In her head, what she was doing was not right.
Her values warned her against it. Yet she was drawn to him again and again.
The scene was different now. Many years had passed, and having been through her share of relationships, a little more immune to his charm. But his messages still made her smile. He still had an inexplicable hold
over her. She flirted back without
hesitation. Fully aware that this is what they would be, for as long as they
remained in touch. And even if they stopped talking, the world would not come
to an end.
This went on for a couple of years. They talked on and off. Sometimes about their partners, sometimes about each other. His messages sometimes took a sexual overtone. She hated it when he spoke to her like that. Not because she didn’t like him. But she felt angry. Angry that it affected her; that she wondered whether he meant any of it. Her rational self knew he probably said that to a dozen other girls. And even if he didn’t, how did it matter? She scolded herself for paying heed to his nonsense. But despite everything, she couldn’t break away from him.
This went on for a couple of years. They talked on and off. Sometimes about their partners, sometimes about each other. His messages sometimes took a sexual overtone. She hated it when he spoke to her like that. Not because she didn’t like him. But she felt angry. Angry that it affected her; that she wondered whether he meant any of it. Her rational self knew he probably said that to a dozen other girls. And even if he didn’t, how did it matter? She scolded herself for paying heed to his nonsense. But despite everything, she couldn’t break away from him.
As long as she was able to label this as light-hearted fooling
around, things were OK. But it didn’t stay that way. It happened around the same time that her relationship with her partner had hit a
rocky patch. A break-up followed cruel words and angry tears.
She was not happy. And she would not let anyone know. Perhaps out of vulnerability, perhaps as a result of years of repressed feelings... for reasons she did not want to dwell on, she found herself turning to him more. The romance and warmth she found missing from her life, she looked for it in their interactions. A part of her warned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak all over again. She knew there were limits. She had no intention of being the 'other woman'. She knew she was playing with fire. It scared her, but it also lit up something within her. An excitement that was addictive. She recognized that, for the first time, she wanted more.
She was not happy. And she would not let anyone know. Perhaps out of vulnerability, perhaps as a result of years of repressed feelings... for reasons she did not want to dwell on, she found herself turning to him more. The romance and warmth she found missing from her life, she looked for it in their interactions. A part of her warned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak all over again. She knew there were limits. She had no intention of being the 'other woman'. She knew she was playing with fire. It scared her, but it also lit up something within her. An excitement that was addictive. She recognized that, for the first time, she wanted more.
Jun 30, 2016
Waiting - the movie
Saw this movie a few weeks ago and knew that this one I got to write about! :) To be very honest, it did not live up to my expectations. That is not to say that it isn't a great movie. It is. I was expecting something much more gripping though!
Anyway, so as the trailer suggests the movie reflects on two very different individuals' experience of "waiting" for their respective partners to wake up from a state of coma. The contrast is brought out by Shiv - effortlessly portrayed by Naseeruddin Shah - as the older, more seasoned 'waiter' and Tara - an effervescent, recently married, expletive spouting young woman played by Kalki Koechlin. It's about how we are alone in our grief and how two very different people bond over a common misfortune.
There is a point in the narrative when Tara is struggling to come to terms with the reality of her husband's accident, and Shiv explains the "stages of grief" in a manner that would have done Elizabeth Kubler-Ross proud! It's too textbook to tug at your heart-strings though. Maybe that's what the movie is missing. I would have loved to see more depth in the narrative. Perhaps covering a longer period of time. And the open-to-interpretation conclusion may not go well with a lot of people. That's just my perspective though. The movie is definitely worth a watch!
Anyway, so as the trailer suggests the movie reflects on two very different individuals' experience of "waiting" for their respective partners to wake up from a state of coma. The contrast is brought out by Shiv - effortlessly portrayed by Naseeruddin Shah - as the older, more seasoned 'waiter' and Tara - an effervescent, recently married, expletive spouting young woman played by Kalki Koechlin. It's about how we are alone in our grief and how two very different people bond over a common misfortune.
There is a point in the narrative when Tara is struggling to come to terms with the reality of her husband's accident, and Shiv explains the "stages of grief" in a manner that would have done Elizabeth Kubler-Ross proud! It's too textbook to tug at your heart-strings though. Maybe that's what the movie is missing. I would have loved to see more depth in the narrative. Perhaps covering a longer period of time. And the open-to-interpretation conclusion may not go well with a lot of people. That's just my perspective though. The movie is definitely worth a watch!
May 26, 2016
She was trying to speak between violent sobs. And I was directing all my energy to my ears, struggling to comprehend her words. Three things became evident pretty soon. She was in distress. She was in a vulnerable place. And she was desperate for help. I was petrified to be on the receiving end of this 'crisis call'. To be absolutely honest, in the first few moments when all I could hear was a wailing woman, I contemplated hanging up on the pretext of not being able to hear what she said. I am not sure whether it was fear of being pulled up if the call was audited or something more meaningful that made me hang on. I would like to believe it was the latter!
She said she wanted to end her suffering. That it was getting too much to bear. I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. She refused. My heart sank to my toes when she told me of her plan as well as access to means for harming herself. There are knives in the kitchen, she admitted quietly. I was at a loss for words. My mind seemed to have slowed down. A voice inside me was screaming, say something! Anything! You have to save her! 'But how?' asked a smaller, more timid voice.
After what seemed like forever, I told her not to go to the kitchen as long as we were on phone together. To my immense relief, she agreed! She started to share her heart-breaking tale. I wanted to comfort her. To reassure her. Yet, I was at a complete loss of words. I probably asked some mindless questions. I can't be too sure. She said something about writing a letter to her daughter and 'ending it'. Before I could react, she hung up!
I have never been more disappointed and scared at the same time. With alarm bells ringing in my head, it seemed as though every single nerve in my body was taut with tension. My manager suggested I call her again. She rejected the call. I tried again. And this time she picked it. Relief, nervousness, fear...I felt it all at once - electrifying my very being. I tried to keep this out of my voice, and requested her to stay with me. 'Don't talk if you don't want to,' I said, 'but stay on line with me please.' Again, to my immense relief, she agreed.
The 20 odd minutes that followed, till we connected her with her mental health worker, were... I don't really have words for what they were. I wanted her to know how much I wanted her to live. But I didn't know how to. She said she was scared. I wanted to say 'so am I'. Instead, I tried being strong for her. Tried distracting her and 'holding' her. Every few seconds I repeated her name and asked if she was there. Every time I asked her to take a deep breath, I did too. I wonder what that was like for her. Was she feeling frustrated by my feeble attempts? Or was she grateful to have another person with her in this? Either way, I am immensely grateful to her for letting me be with her. For my sake more than hers. Because I know how badly this would have haunted me if I did not have the reassurance that she was in safe hands.
That was then. I have no way of knowing what happened after. Did she get the much needed support? Did things get any better for her? I don't know. But I am hoping that she knows, that she is not alone. Then again, I wonder, what was my desperation all about. Was it because I didn't want her to kill herself on 'my watch'? Or because I genuinely wanted her to live. Either way, it was a draining experience. And I am glad she called in.
She said she wanted to end her suffering. That it was getting too much to bear. I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't do anything to hurt herself. She refused. My heart sank to my toes when she told me of her plan as well as access to means for harming herself. There are knives in the kitchen, she admitted quietly. I was at a loss for words. My mind seemed to have slowed down. A voice inside me was screaming, say something! Anything! You have to save her! 'But how?' asked a smaller, more timid voice.
After what seemed like forever, I told her not to go to the kitchen as long as we were on phone together. To my immense relief, she agreed! She started to share her heart-breaking tale. I wanted to comfort her. To reassure her. Yet, I was at a complete loss of words. I probably asked some mindless questions. I can't be too sure. She said something about writing a letter to her daughter and 'ending it'. Before I could react, she hung up!
I have never been more disappointed and scared at the same time. With alarm bells ringing in my head, it seemed as though every single nerve in my body was taut with tension. My manager suggested I call her again. She rejected the call. I tried again. And this time she picked it. Relief, nervousness, fear...I felt it all at once - electrifying my very being. I tried to keep this out of my voice, and requested her to stay with me. 'Don't talk if you don't want to,' I said, 'but stay on line with me please.' Again, to my immense relief, she agreed.
The 20 odd minutes that followed, till we connected her with her mental health worker, were... I don't really have words for what they were. I wanted her to know how much I wanted her to live. But I didn't know how to. She said she was scared. I wanted to say 'so am I'. Instead, I tried being strong for her. Tried distracting her and 'holding' her. Every few seconds I repeated her name and asked if she was there. Every time I asked her to take a deep breath, I did too. I wonder what that was like for her. Was she feeling frustrated by my feeble attempts? Or was she grateful to have another person with her in this? Either way, I am immensely grateful to her for letting me be with her. For my sake more than hers. Because I know how badly this would have haunted me if I did not have the reassurance that she was in safe hands.
That was then. I have no way of knowing what happened after. Did she get the much needed support? Did things get any better for her? I don't know. But I am hoping that she knows, that she is not alone. Then again, I wonder, what was my desperation all about. Was it because I didn't want her to kill herself on 'my watch'? Or because I genuinely wanted her to live. Either way, it was a draining experience. And I am glad she called in.
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