you are not around

but your fragrance lingers on

i can't see you

but your presence is not gone

physical distances hurt

but they don't feel real

love is my reality

i feel it every time i breathe

you worry that i will

go away one day

don't you see

i am here to stay

i have become a part of you

as you became mine

and that can't be taken away

even if we try

embracing vulnerability

All that begins must come to an end...or at least change into something else. It is inevitable, right? Why, then, do goodbyes take us by surprise? Why is it so difficult to let go...to cope with change?

One of the reasons, for me, is the inability to come to terms with my vulnerability. I can't accept the fact that I feel so immensely vulnerable when someone leaves or when things change or look like they might...So, in order to not come across as clingy, I 'back-off before you have a chance to push me away'.

Being on this course has given me loads of opportunities to see get to know myself better. It's like having the spotlight focused not on, but within you...at all times. It does get overwhelming. Even a bit stressful at times. But largely, it is exhilarating. It is a heady feeling recognizing things about you that you knew all along but never really paid attention to...never realized what impact it was having on everything you did...

So, coming back to being vulnerable... We were shown this video in class a few weeks ago http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html and I hope you see it too...For me, it was one of those life changing things...like reading Who Moved My Cheese and The Alchemist...or like watching Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi.

I don't want to tell you what I got out of it...I don't want to contaminate what you could get out of it. But I really hope you watch it...and make sense of it in a way that works for you :)

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BUT, I will talk about it anyway (in the hope that you saw it before you read on..lol). One of the major things that came out of this for me was the realization about how strongly vulnerability was affecting the way I relate to everyone around me. How, I almost keep myself away from any 'risky' experience in order to 'protect' myself... and how this was in fact stemming from my fear of being 'unloved'. Like all other life-changing things I have stumbled across, this one has not transformed me into a new person overnight ;) But it has brought about a new awareness. So that now when I back off, I know what I am doing. And I try not to. It isn't a magical metamorphosis. It is definitely a move in a positive direction though...

It's one of the many wonderful things I have learnt while on this course. Wonderful, not painless. But I am thankful nevertheless.