Anticlimax

Last night I slept with a nice uneasiness in my stomach. Nice coz finally I was going to start my summer training! Finally the uncertainty was over! But this was just the first step…there was so much more to come. My mind was filled with hopeful thoughts and weird apprehensions. What kinda work would I get? How would my supervisor be? Would I get along with my colleagues? What if they hated me? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Well, okay, more apprehensions than happy thoughts! With all kindsa worst case scenarios going through my head, I drifted off to sleep.
When the 6.30 alarm went off, I didn’t want the day to start…it was too early to be morning anyway!! I wished I was dreaming…I wished it was still yesterday…
Finally I got up at some time after seven. Then, maintaining a calm exterior, went about doing random stuff like drinking milk, reading the newspaper etc. Time proceeded at a pretty slow rate till about 9...when my mum called and asked me not to go b'coz of the gujjar agitation. I was like, already itna late ho chuka hai, I better start my training today! So i left home in good time...and for my parents' peace of mind (and my comfort) i let the driver drive. I took him by the longer route (and was chided for it too) coz that was the only way I knew. Office was to start at 10...and at 9.58 I had reached! :) The butterflies were fluttering no more. I felt an almost unreal sense of calm. And I was like, I can do this. Ofcourse I can! With a big smile on my face I asked driver bhaiya to come pick me at 5.
Had just started climbing up the stairs when my cell buzzed. It was Ranji wishin me luck for the first day and asking 'bout the marathi word for bridge. hehe...newaz, reply kar ke I climbed the bache huey 7-8 stairs...The door to the office was shut. Which wasn't unusual coz the first time I visited it was closed too. And considering I was almost before time, I was unfazed. Like a happy little child just about to get candy, I rang the bell and waited. For a minute there was no response. Maine socha andar jo bhi hai, loo gaya hoga...ya bell suni nahi hogi. So I counted from 1 to 8 and back to 1 (That's my "ideal" time gap for trying again....it works for most things...like redialling a number or retrying connecting to gtalk or in this case, re-ringing the bell)...I rang again. Still no response. Well, maybe the people are late coz of the jams due to the gujjar strike...though I hadn't come across any! I thought I would just wait till someone turned up. And whoever it was that turned up would be mighty impressed seeeing a a newcomer reaching before time! Now that would be coooool! :D There would be talk of how I braved the threat of strike and violence and displayed rare courage and dedication to reach my workplace. I would be the star trainee...I would.... ok...I was overdoing it. And it was already 15 past ten...I couldn't just wait for things to happen. I had to be "pro active"! (for some reason that seemed like such an impressive thought!) So, proactively I called up friends and family to get hold of a number on which I could call up and enquire. All this while I was still secretly fantasizing bout someone turning up and discovering my dedication...But I guess that's not how it meant to be! I found out that the office was to remain closed for the day!! Mothers are always right its said. Well what can I say? Well said??? Then called up driver bhaiyya and waited for him to get back :( The time he took to reach me was duly utilized in calling up various ppl n cribbing about my state... ;)

So that's how my first day of training was...or rather wasn't! I felt kinda foolish...but hey! an unexpected holiday isn't something I can ever complain about!! :)
Hope it finally starts tomorrow!!! Fingers crossed! {I'd told shilpa n svetty that in any given situation, if I imagined a number of outcomes, un sab se hatke hi kuch hota hai...reinforced again! :P }

death is weird...its sad ...but it also has dis ability to put things into perspective all of a sudden...like, life puts a blindfold on our eyes...but death pulls it off...perhaps a little too harshly.



life says 'it's ok, u cud try harder next time'. death says, 'game up!'.

...to be a woman

I’ve wondered time and again
What is it to ‘be a woman’?

When I was four
I thought it meant playing mommy and cooking yummy food.

At six I thought it was to be able to
Wear make-up and heels and sarees.

As a eleven year old
Being a woman meant looking pretty
And being the centre of attraction.

At twelve, it was the ability
To bear cramps every month
And to get used to an almost new me.
It was also the constant fear of lechers and eve-teasers.

At thirteen I thought being a woman
Was to watch lovey-dovey movies
And fantasize about falling in love.

At sixteen, it meant
Craving for independence
And being reminded of limitations,
Discovering my wings
But realizing I couldn’t fly yet.

When I turned eighteen
Being a woman meant taking responsibility.
Standing up for myself,
Laughing and crying at the same time,
Holding on, yet being able to let go.

At twenty, I realized
Being a woman also meant
being vulnerable yet resilient.
And loving myself unconditionally.
It meant enjoying ghazals and rock
with the same fervor,
It meant appreciating life’s little blessings.
It meant falling in love.

Now I am twenty two
And all these things do count,
But I still wonder what it is to be a woman…
Maybe it is learning to know myself.
Maybe it is about neither completely knowing
nor giving up the quest to know.
Maybe it is the incessant mood swings.
Maybe it is the ability to feel joy and pain with comparable intensity.
Maybe it is being selfless and selfish.
Maybe it is simple, yet riddled with contradictions.
Whatever it is, I know that there is
So much more to know…and so much more to love myself for.