two books and a movie

Okay, it’s actually not about two books and a movie, but this sounded cool: )
These hols have been near-perfect. I have been reading books and watching movies. And have even managed to get some work done, mostly thanks to Shilpa!

Message from Nam. My first by Danielle Steel. It was a good read. And any book that can make me cry can’t be bad. Hehe. No seriously, a boring book can’t touch you enough, right? And I was sooooo relieved that it was a happy ending. It was kinda funny how all the men Paxton loved died eventually! Very melodramatic. But well written. And held my attention till the end. Not proper chick-lit, more filmy than girly I guess.

Madagascar 2. …we like to…move it! What do I say about the sequel to my all-time-fav-animated-movie! It was great! Hilarious from start to end…with a generous dose of heart-tugging moments. King Julian is the best. The penguins were brilliant too. Such meanies!!! Hehe… baki sab were okay…not great as individuals…but they make a lovely gang! And I kept hearing Ross when Melman spoke. Overall, good movie. As a sequel, 4 on 5. But the first one is undoubtedly incomparable!

Oye Lucky Lucky Oye. Much anticipated and honestly, pretty disappointing. I mean, I don’t know what to make of it! In the beginning I kept hoping that the story would pick up pace soon…but that never happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected a funny movie. But the promos suggested that it was…and the only funny moments were those I’d already seen in the promos! Abhay Deol is cute. Apart from that, I wonder what got the movie such raving reviews!

Remember Me. Sophie Kinsella’s latest. Hilarious. Kinsella is at her witty best in this one. But somehow, the story is kinda bland. Again, this could be a case of wrong expectations. I expected the love story to be central to the plot. It was, in a way…but not quite. And the guy she falls for … his character isn’t that well sketched out. I had a great time reading it. But don’t expect the magic of Can You Keep a Secret or Undomestic Goddess. The plot somehow reminded me of 13 Going on 30 (the movie is better!). But it’s chick-lit. And good too. Not great, but good. 3 stars on 5.

And finally…*drum roll* Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. This movie was all that I had hoped it would be. It was pathetic, just as Saloni had warned me. It was veryyyyy cute, just as Praggy had said. And it was VERY SRK…Ranjoo is seldom wrong! Hehe I looooooove Shahrukh Khan. It was a cheesy movie. My first reaction to it (about half an hour into the movie) was ‘mindless-cinema-at-it’s-best’. That kinda changed as the movie progressed. It was mindless alright. But not as-good-as-it-gets. SRK cannot go wrong, and he was brilliant as always. Yea yea, half the world (n a few more) think that he overacts, repeats the same mushy stuff over n over again n endorses a genre of cinema that’s mindless and demeaning at the same time. WHATEVER!


The movie dragged on a bit. It could’ve been made slicker. And the woman is shown to be a very stupid character. And there are too many stereotypes in-your-face. The girl has to marry coz her father is about to die and she has no other relatives; a good wife cooks, cleans, looks pretty and cleans some more; a caring husband shifts to the barsati, vacating the room for his new bride. Ughhhh…all this is not nice!! And the Suri character, who is charmingly cute throughout the movie, turns into an MCP-ish creature when the girl falls for his alt-ego (who by the way is a sad clone of all of SRK’s movie characters put together! But only he could pull off a spoof on himself!).
Okay, the movie has its flaws, and only die-hard melodrama buffs like me might like it. Might.
Now for the good things about it. 1. SRK 2. Tujhme rab dikhta hai n Haule haule. Lovely songs. 4. the haveli/ghar And 3. the video for Phir milenge chalte chalte. Me likes. Not to forget the brilliant explanation of “macho” given by Vinay Pathak!
And the award for the longest post on this blog goes to… he he

Now I know...

When I was in school...mosta my friends would write “Hugh Grant” in the favourite actor section of slam books (which btw were a rage ‘back then’...wouldn’t be surprised if they’re uncool now..). I never really gave it much thought and given my absolute ignorance for everything un-bollywood, I wasn’t even sure who Hugh Grant was. I always associated the name with someone who was...uh...not him.
The reason why I’m mentioning this now is that I just saw ‘Music and Lyrics’ and ‘Love Actually’...and for the first time in 23 years of my existence I found out who Hugh Grant IS! Talk about Ignorance!!!! And NOW I understand WHY so many people have/had a crush on him! He is adorable! Really! (I’m sure all of you already know that...anyway!). As in, not just your yea-this-one-is-cute-ok...but oh-my-god-is-he-adorable-or-what!
Ahh...is twenty three too old to have ‘crushes’?? I guess not... : ) I’d read in some book (emm...about Labradors) that a lab is old only when he is treated as being old. Same applies to me I guess! So for the next forty years or so... I can’t feel “old”! Remind me if I forget! ;)
Chickflicks rock! N yea Runjoo, so does Chicklit! : D

Current mood: happy
I started the data collection for my dissertation today (though calling it data collection sounds a li’l disrespectful towards the “sample”...another derogatory term!!)
So anyway...I’m sooooooo glad that I took up the topic I have taken up : ) I know nothing else could’ve given me this kinda satisfaction. Or maybe it could have...but I’m so happy that I have chosen a topic I feel for. I mean, when I started out...it was kinda half-hearted. I was not sure whether this was the best I could do. And till yesterday, I wasn’t sure if I had tried hard enough while selecting the research topic. Not anymore. My topic isn’t “happy” like I always wanted...I started out looking for something that would be fun to research. But you know...I’m not too sure yet...but I think trauma is my thing. Not that I get a kick outta hearing people’s traumatic stories...but it makes me feel good that I am there for people...for people who badly need to vent. I don’t have any illusions that I’m a saviour or messiah or an angel of good will ;) I know I am doing this for myself...and that’s what makes me happier.
And like I’d said before...reaching out to someone, forming a bond...that’s what I like best about my work. And now my research! : ) I know it’s not gonna be a bed-of-roses wala scenario...but I’m ready for the uncertainities...n I’m sure I am going to be a better person at the end of this project. Amen : )

कितनी भोली, कितनी प्यारी

सब पशुओं से न्यारी गाय ।

सारा दूध हमे दे देती,

आओ इसे पिलाये चाय।

I was glued to the t.v. from the minute I heard about the attacks. Usually, I tend to avoid watching t.v. news 'coz they sensationalize every little thing. And watching the same clips over n over n over again gets extremely frustrating. But this time round, the actual event in itself was so sensational that there was little scope for our journos to add any more spice to. Every two minutes something new would happen. Every time I flipped channels, there was a new development. And for a change, the reporting seemed more or less responsible. Thank God.
Watching a national horror unfold on television...that's something none of us would ever have imagined! No wonder we were stuck to our t.v. sets...quite unable to do/think much...there was a constant prayer on our lips...please God...not him/her...which soon turned to Please make it stop...please!!
They did manage to terorize us, no doubt. But they also managed to bring us closer together. We were no longer Hindu or Muslim, north Indian or south Indian, this or that...we were ONE. I'm saying were 'coz now that the worst is over, we are back to our usual bickering and finger pointing and cynical commenting. The news reporters have gone back to replaying the same clips over n over and highlighting random comments by random people and blaming the political class. Well...there is a lot of anger among people right now. And rightly so. But we need to take this forward. Merely blaming someone for what has happened is not what will help. (And I really want to know what good is some minister's resignation now???) Hundreds of people have been killed through no fault of theirs. And perhaps many more will be...unless we do something about it. I'm upset too. And I really want all this to stop...let's all start thinking. Let's come up with concrete things that can be done which can prevent a repetition of such a carnage...and perhaps make us better equipped to handle disasters in the future. Please give it a thought.

Bombay

bombay...the city i love to hate...the city millions have embraced so lovingly as their own...the city where my roots partly lie (though i barely acknowledge it)...not mumbai, but Bombay...though honeslty, it makes no difference. call it anything.

what took place over the last three days was no short of terrifying. in that sense, those dastardly terrorists have suceeded in doing what they set out to achieve...they have spread terror. and how! when this started on wednesday night, it had seemed like one of the many terror attacks we have seen over the last few years. the kinds that evoke the reaction oh-how-sad-but-life-must-go-on. Honestly, I think a lot of us have become kinda desensitized towards such attacks. but what unfolded over the next fifty odd hours was nothing like Anything any of us had witnessed EVER. The news coverage seemed right out of an action movie.
Yea they terrorised us...but I hope it will make us stronger. And I really hope the divisive tactics don't work!!
It was terrible...Terrible! It's tough for all of us who saw it...but it's a million times worse for people who lost loved ones in the terror attack. Those people did not deserve such a fate...it's just so unfair!
Right now...too many thoughts are running amok within me...I'm just posting to say I care. My way of showing solidarity with the survivors and the victims and the heroes of this attack maybe...
God be with them... more later.

i've been trying to avoid posting about movies...but this one was really good. i'm talking about summer 2007. remember? the one with sikandar kher, gul panang etc? very good promos (at least i thought so) and veryyyyy forgettable reviews...! from what i remember, sikandar kher was the only one who got 'applauded' for the effort...which is kinda surprising! Coz no offence to anyone, but he wasn't that great. n honestly, he looks kinda repulsive (i hope he gets better a few years later like most star kids manage to).
so anyway, coming back to the main thing...it was a very good movie. but no wonder it was a super flop. the first half goes about establishing how the protagonist (kher) and his gang (a smooth-talker, a hung-over ex, a despo and a preacher) are the representatives of the care-a-damn generation...sadly, the effort is a lil short of pathetic. or no, it Is pathetic. and these people have hideous nicknames like 'butter' and 'pepsi' and 'mother T' (which Could be short for mother teresa...who knows!) so, after a casual attempt at college politics backfires, this gang of five decides to escape...their idea of escape? going for the mandatory 'rural service' visit. What's funny is, they just 'decide' to go, and the college provides a nice bus n all to get them to their destined centre. just the five of them! very la-la-land types!
once they get there, the plan is to get the required certs n go on a month-long holiday. but circumstances are such that they get sucked into the village issues...what follows is a grim portrayal of what is now typical of a lot of villages in maharashtra and many other states. farmers being tortured by money lenders...being forced to give up their land, the dignity of their women...their lives...everything!
it's an issue hardly talked about...i know mere talking doesn't get problem solved, but it's an essential first step no?
i'd rate this as a "must watch"...if for nothing else, then just to bring to our consciousness the enormity of the problem which we are more or less blind to.

I was recently told by someone at work that their first impression of me wasn't that great because, in their own words - "tum hasti bohot thi". That wasn't a very nice thing to hear!! I mean, kya matlab hai? That I smile too much or that I laugh too much?! Umm...actually I do both of these quite a lot. And it had never seemed like a problem. But now that I think of it, smiling is my preferred expression and I laugh as response to a lot of things. Gosh! I must come across as such a dumb person!! In a conversation, I hardly have anything intelligent/interesting to say, so I generally nod-n-smile-n-listen. That sounds infinitely stupid now! (I can picture myself now...like a circus clown...with a big red-n-white smile painted on my face...all happy-n-Bozo...ewwww!)
As a second thought, isn't smiling better than having a straight or grumpy face? And doesn't laughter act as an anti-ageing-something?! But I'd prefer 'wiser' to 'younger' anyday! I like to picture myself as an intelligent, laidback, composed kinda person...and such a comment, which is quite unlike how I try to portray myself, is highly detrimental to my self concept!!! Sheh! Kay karu? ;)

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
M Scott Peck
I am kinda looking for 'different ways' which just might lead (not to 'truer answers') but more meaningful questions...Confusion isn't a pleasant state to be in. But this time 'round, it isn't the vague anxiety of the GAD kind. It's more specific...and I Know what I'm concerned about. Which is good. It's a step ahead. Yay

Fashion

About Fashion...go watch it!!! It's actually a nice movie...a good watch....a typical Madhur-Bhandarkar-kinda thing. Oh n watch it for Mugdha Godse!! :)
Nice storyline n all...n since i know nothing of fashion or the 'fashion-world' ;) i have no parameters to do a reality-congruency-check. One thing that struck me though was that men in this industry are either gay or sick b******s or both. If the portrayl is to be believed, straight men are crooked. The only nice men are gay. And then too, you can't just assume that aman is nice coz he's gay. ahh....story of my life! hahaha
The music is great too. Like very apt types...dunno if that's ripped from somewhere! but watevr!

silence.
have you felt it
i don't think i have...ever before
this craving to speak
and not knowing whom to turn to
when even thoughts go mum
and you have not even yourself for company
lonely amidst a crowd
i don't know what to say
not beacuse i don't have the words
but because my voice fails me
instead, tears are all that i can manage
but even those get dried up after a while
i wonder who would understand
i wonder what to say
no voices within
no thoughts, no images
an unknown void
more perplexing than disturbing
why am i feeling this?
what is it that wouldn't let go?

I am what i think I am...the way I see myself, the way I interpret how others see me, and the way I always have been. All this is nothing but a bunch of perceptions and memories . And in a way, I am nothing without them.


If, for instance, I forget all that's happened to me ever..all that I've done and said...I wouldn't know myself! And that's a scary thought. Maybe that's why I want people I love to know me...so that even when I don't know me, there's still someone who does! But what's the point of someone knowing me if i myself don't...?



disturbing as that thought is...it's scarier to think of a loved one forgetting me...How painful it must be, to be wiped outta someone's life! If v r defined by our needs, then i will be defined by my need for acceptance. Give me two people who like me for what i am and i'll ask for nothing more. but what if one of these ppl 'forgets' me?

FAQs

FAQ #1 What are you doing these days?


FAQ #2 What next??

these days, i'm being asked these quetions almost as often as 'how r u?'...the first one, in itself, is quite harmless. and till last year, all it drew was impressed/admiring/approving raised eyebrows/nods/smiles...it would usually go like - "What are you doing these days?"...to which i'd say (and still do)..."Masters in xyz from blah univ"...

Ahh...nice....

But now, they're no longer satisfied with that... it's usually (read as most often) followed by the 2nd one...the one which gives me sweaty palms and bouts of anxiety...What next?

Pehle toh if asked this, i'd just say i'm planning to study further (whatever dat means!!)...but now ppl don't stop at that...they want to know What i'll be studying next? why i'll be studying it? what does it mean? what kinda work do i want to do? Oho!! don't ppl have other things to worry about? or is there some sadistic pleasure in quizzing ppl bout things that they are most uncertain about? Till some time ago, FAQ #1 got me more nervous (perhaps coz then the 2nd one wasn't in the picture)...coz for a while, i was doing nothing! ok, i was in between courses, half the world goes through it...but still!...moral of the story is, FAQ#2 will seem inconsequential in a while too...Till then, wish me happy figuring out! :)

My people 2

...then there is X...another friend from school. we have never been out of touch, I think... anyway, can't think of a time when we were! (and for once v'll assume that my memory is sound! ) my relationship with X..at least the initial days of it, were based on a very precarious foundation...after all, she was the-best-friend's-new-friend...someone I viewed with a fair amount of suspicion...and why not! for all I knew, she was a probable 'interloper' ! hehe...Thankfully she wasn't :) Currently, both of us reinforce each other's perceived coolness..lol...

X has been a tremendous support always...she has this almost unreal knack for being...I dunno, honest? real? something like that...as in, there's nothing fake about her. Ever. Which I think is a very commendable thing! Another thing about her is, it's almost like an unconscious life-goal for X to 'be there' for people. Don't know how she manages, but she does it. Does X come across as an angel after all this? well even if she does, she Isn't! Honestly! hehe...
A lot of my friends are results of 'bad starts'! The worst I guess was with C...I thought her to be this suuuuuuuperrr mean woman initially. someone who was too uptight for me...and look at us now! one of my closessssssttttttt frenz today..thank god 1st impressions aren't last impressions always!

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. ~Polish Proverb

interesting eh?

my people - 1

My people
There are quite a few of those. And I want to write about them. Jlt…!
Lets start with A…my oldest friend. We were inseparable as kids, A n me. Best friends since nursery…and best-friends-forever I’d always thought. But sometime between 7th and 8th std, A n I lost touch, and each other. Didn’t even realize it till a few years ago when I was in Pune and wondered how easily I had let go of such a spl person…but God bless orkut a million times. ‘coz that’s where I found A again! It has absolutely proved its worth, this orkut thing! That’s one of the reasons why, despite the constant comparisons with fb, wayn, shelfari, hi5 n wat not, I still looooove orkut... We still havn’t met, (inspite making a zillion plans!) n now coz A has moved to Pune! What a shame! But its ok, coz A is back…and we can talk bout stuff, bout times that only the two of us shared. A knows the kid-me! And its such fun reminiscing! Hail orkut!
Since A exited, B has been a constant in my life. The best-friend-for-life then…and is the same even today. (thank god for that!...no credit to orkut!) We’ve shared our ‘growing up’ days…in school at least. We were the typical gal-pals back in school. Had to tell each other every single thing that happened to us everyday! That amounted to loooooong phone convos…okay, make that endless phone convos!! :) There was a time when I just couldn’t think of anything minus B. she’s a very vibrant person, our B. And she has this midas touch sorta thing, she just livens up everything! The most boring incident sounds like an adventure when B is a part of it.hehe...But then we kinda grew up…we still share big-time, but it isn’t the same anymore…sometimes I miss the way it was…but then…anyway! its more of a ‘mature-bond’ now. We know we will always be there for each other, no matter what. Maybe it’s the different cities and different sets of friends that did us in (whatever that means, it just sounds right!)…or maybe the fact that we are essentially two very very different people…or maybe just the time. Whatever it is! I still feel majorly guilty everytime I have to say ‘no’ to her for anything. I feel terrible for not being able to speak as freely…feel like a pseudo at times…just want her to know it’s not that I care any less. Dunno how to explain. Let it be…moving on to the next one then!
Or maybe this should be it for now…more later!

The pen is mightier than the sword. Sounds like a very righteous sentence…but maybe it isn't always that righteous.
Bribe, corruption, dishonesty…maybe these are not seen as bad things by everyone. Does that change how I see them? Do I feel foolish for holding on to certain ideals but also doing nothing to defend them? Am I questioning the efficacy of what I have always believed in? Yes…I am doing/feeling all of this. I'm wondering if I am a fool…or maybe just too naïve…someone who is no good at the worldly ways…someone who is too smart too be a simpleton, but too dumb to be street smart. Someone, who within her holds on to the dream of a free-of-malice-loving-pure-kind-just world, but deeper within, has this nagging doubt as to whether this belief is in fact disconnected from reality. What if it is? Is it such a bad thing to be delusional? Why does it upset me so much? And then again, why isn't it upsetting me enough!

...aur kabhi khud pe ro-ya!

Na-na na na na
Na-na na na na...
kabhi khud pe hassa main
aur,
kabhi khud pe ro-ya!
I lurrrrrrrve that song! oh by the way i'm talking about 'pichle saat dino me' from RockOn!
Such mindless lyrics...totally not my type...but amazzzzing anyway!

my almost-accident

I banged into a car today! Completely my fault. Not much damage...but I was shit scared!! It seemed right outta one of my worst nightmares - I hit an HR registration wali gadi through no fault of the other driver! In my defense, I thought that he had alredy taken the turn. I was inching towards left, all the while vigilantly looking at my right (and Nowhere else!)...and BAM! (okay, maybe it was just bam!)
Anyway, for a few long seconds I was totally frozen in my seat, almost expecting him to come over and stab me (i've got too much Delhi in my head)! And the first part did happen..that is, he did get down from his car and came over...but the rest was Totally unexpected! I aplogized as soon as he was within earshot (I was not going to get outta my car)...and kept doing so for a while. He just put up his hand in a saintly way and said, "Naye naye chalana seekhe ho?". The first thought that came to my head was, 'shit! been driving for almost a year now and this is what I put across to people?? Or is he being mean just b'coz i'm a woman??' However, I could just croak a meek 'yes' and he merely nodded understandingly and was off! Yes!! that's real!!! I can't even start describing the relief I felt! Leave alone killing me, he didn't even scream at me! I was all light headed and woozy for a bit...When he drove away, I finally got down to check what I had done to my car...Mujhe toh ek scratch bhi nahi dikha :D
And the best part is, in this city of mine where people are beaten to death for smaller offences, I felt utterly blessed! This just goes on to show that there are still nice people out there...and a tiny percentage are lucky enough to bang into their cars :) God bless that HR wala Alto-man!
P.s. Later papa told me that the bumper (or mudguard or watever the black thing in the front is called), had come off a bit! but who cares! at least he didn't kill me ;)

i am d kinda person who loves to believe that things are as they appear...i would like nothing better than to accept things at face value and not analyze them AT ALL...(which often makes me wonder if i've chosen the right profession for myself...maybe not! but that's a different matter altogether!)...abhi ke liye, wat i'm tryin to say is that some things are better done randomly...as in, without giving it much thought....like watching a movie...Esply watching a movie!!

Brainwave! lol lol lol....abhi 1 bohot cheezzzzzzzy dialogue yaad aya..."Mohabbat zindagi ki tareh hai...har morh asaan nahi hota...lekin jab hum mushkilo mein zindagi ka saath nahi chhodte, toh mohabbat ka kyun chhode?" Similarly, movie watching is also like 'zindagi'...or 'mohabbat' if u please! its not necessary that u watch only good movies...and it's absolutely futile to judge a movie by someone else's opinion!
i miss watching random movies! :(

Aamir.

First things first – Aamir is a brilliantly made movie. Very real type. I won’t say ‘believable’ ‘coz that would undermine its credibility…considering that I found Main Hoon Na and HAHK pretty believable too! So, it’s a Must Watch kinda film…at least for people who like the kinda movies that I do.
The intricacies of how the protagonist's mind works… his dilemma, his frustration… has been portrayed beautifully. Kudos to the actor and director!
As the movie progressed, I could not only feel for Aamir, but I often identified with his angst so completely that it felt like my own. For how long can one hold on to a lifelong baggage of beliefs when faced with such a situation? How does a person choose between life and death for his loved ones? How do you choose between You and the world? How do you decide if selfish is a better option than selfless? And what if selfless is in fact selfish?

There must be at least a few Aamirs in real life too...and that's scary. Makes me wonder, is being a non-radical Muslim in our country so difficult? Why do broadminded, tolerant people have to pay the price for the narrowmindedness of a fundamentalist few? It's really really sad!
The song that accompanies the credits at the end... "Ek Lau" is ... beyond words actually!

dhoop ke ujale si

os ke pyale si

khushiyan miley humko...

zyada manga hai kahan

sarhadein na ho jahan

duniya miley humko...

par khuda khair kar

iske armaan mein kyun

bewajeh ho koi qurbaan...

(And the rendition by Shilpa Rao is amazing...)



Is that too much to ask for?? When will we learn to live in peace? Or is violence so much a part of humans that being "human" takes a backseat?

Religion, God, faith...what are these? Are they doing us any good? Would we not be better off if these ‘social’ phenomenona were more personal than communal?? Would we not be much happier if God was personal...if each person could choose his own ishwar, allah or rabb...if no one had the authority to decide this for anyone else? Not in the name of religion...not in the name of anything!

Religion is something that man created to give structure to his unexplained experiences...but the convoluted sense in which most fanatics portray religion and religious beliefs is not just pathetic, but ridiculous!What I'm trying to say here is...let us practice 'to each his own'...let us Believe in whatever we want to with all our heart...but let us not force our beliefs on anyone...'coz that only undermines what we believe in. No?

why has anger become the default emotion for so many of us?

"...Why are we angry all the time? And why do we get so angry over so little? It is normal to feel anger in some situations. Rage is resonable human response when our desires are thwarted and our needs unmet. But surely the level of anger should be proportionate to the provocation? But increasingly, that's not the case in our modern world. It seems to take the slightest thing to set us off on a homicidal rage. It's almost as if we are human time bombs, ticking over in quiet desperation and all it takes is the slightest nudge to make us explode. Is it that the frenetic pace of modern life has made us so demanding and impatient that we want everything and we want it now? Or have we developed such a huge sense of entitlement that we cannot bear to be thwarted? Or is it simply that we have turned into overgrown babies who can only cope with disappointment by throwing giant temper tantrums? In which case, perhaps it's not too late to grow up."
[Excerpt from HT Brunch, 29 June '08: 'All The Rage' by Seema Goswami]

the above lines are not mine...but i couldn't hav agreed more! wat is rong wid ppl these days??? y is every1 so touchy?! n so aggressive bout every lil thing?
it's as if everyone is rushing...and each one feels he is the be-all n end-all of everything that even a lil hint of this bubble bursting is taken as an offence...

training...

training has been a tremendous learning experience....n it's only been just about a month...it hasn't been anything like i had expected....from day 1, no two days have been the same...i've gone from workless-for-hours to bone-tired and back to workless again. i've learnt a lot of things....things like what sections 376, 363, 302 etc of the IPC mean...things like ptsd and complex ptsd...like the hierarchy of dilli police...like office gossip n small group dynamics...like appreciating garam rotis even when i'm unable to identify the subzi...like acknowledging the fact that i've barely seen 15% of delhi and that there's a completely different world out there living in the stinkiest of conditions...like the fact that i have been immensely blessed all my life and the little things i take for granted are a luxury for a vast majority of people...that in the slums, the man to fly ratio is about 1:100...
Also, things like education or social status do nothing to one's mentality and that the most educated of people can have the most inhuman tendencies...that willpower is more than just a word...that some people have infinite levels of tolerance and some have subzero sense...that men can be the sickest of all living creatures...and that women are no less when it comes to cruelty...

i think i've learnt a lot...n i'm learning everyday...and the BEST feeling in the world, as in the Whole Wide World, is to be able to reach out to someone...to make someone feel that you care... i havn't met too many people...havn't see too many 'cases'...but from what i have seen, i can say that it's no easy thing! and till now, this is the best part of my work :)

जादू सा है कुछ मुझमे / लगता है कभी कभी

जादू है हर जगह / पर दिखता है कभी कभी

Anticlimax

Last night I slept with a nice uneasiness in my stomach. Nice coz finally I was going to start my summer training! Finally the uncertainty was over! But this was just the first step…there was so much more to come. My mind was filled with hopeful thoughts and weird apprehensions. What kinda work would I get? How would my supervisor be? Would I get along with my colleagues? What if they hated me? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Well, okay, more apprehensions than happy thoughts! With all kindsa worst case scenarios going through my head, I drifted off to sleep.
When the 6.30 alarm went off, I didn’t want the day to start…it was too early to be morning anyway!! I wished I was dreaming…I wished it was still yesterday…
Finally I got up at some time after seven. Then, maintaining a calm exterior, went about doing random stuff like drinking milk, reading the newspaper etc. Time proceeded at a pretty slow rate till about 9...when my mum called and asked me not to go b'coz of the gujjar agitation. I was like, already itna late ho chuka hai, I better start my training today! So i left home in good time...and for my parents' peace of mind (and my comfort) i let the driver drive. I took him by the longer route (and was chided for it too) coz that was the only way I knew. Office was to start at 10...and at 9.58 I had reached! :) The butterflies were fluttering no more. I felt an almost unreal sense of calm. And I was like, I can do this. Ofcourse I can! With a big smile on my face I asked driver bhaiya to come pick me at 5.
Had just started climbing up the stairs when my cell buzzed. It was Ranji wishin me luck for the first day and asking 'bout the marathi word for bridge. hehe...newaz, reply kar ke I climbed the bache huey 7-8 stairs...The door to the office was shut. Which wasn't unusual coz the first time I visited it was closed too. And considering I was almost before time, I was unfazed. Like a happy little child just about to get candy, I rang the bell and waited. For a minute there was no response. Maine socha andar jo bhi hai, loo gaya hoga...ya bell suni nahi hogi. So I counted from 1 to 8 and back to 1 (That's my "ideal" time gap for trying again....it works for most things...like redialling a number or retrying connecting to gtalk or in this case, re-ringing the bell)...I rang again. Still no response. Well, maybe the people are late coz of the jams due to the gujjar strike...though I hadn't come across any! I thought I would just wait till someone turned up. And whoever it was that turned up would be mighty impressed seeeing a a newcomer reaching before time! Now that would be coooool! :D There would be talk of how I braved the threat of strike and violence and displayed rare courage and dedication to reach my workplace. I would be the star trainee...I would.... ok...I was overdoing it. And it was already 15 past ten...I couldn't just wait for things to happen. I had to be "pro active"! (for some reason that seemed like such an impressive thought!) So, proactively I called up friends and family to get hold of a number on which I could call up and enquire. All this while I was still secretly fantasizing bout someone turning up and discovering my dedication...But I guess that's not how it meant to be! I found out that the office was to remain closed for the day!! Mothers are always right its said. Well what can I say? Well said??? Then called up driver bhaiyya and waited for him to get back :( The time he took to reach me was duly utilized in calling up various ppl n cribbing about my state... ;)

So that's how my first day of training was...or rather wasn't! I felt kinda foolish...but hey! an unexpected holiday isn't something I can ever complain about!! :)
Hope it finally starts tomorrow!!! Fingers crossed! {I'd told shilpa n svetty that in any given situation, if I imagined a number of outcomes, un sab se hatke hi kuch hota hai...reinforced again! :P }

death is weird...its sad ...but it also has dis ability to put things into perspective all of a sudden...like, life puts a blindfold on our eyes...but death pulls it off...perhaps a little too harshly.



life says 'it's ok, u cud try harder next time'. death says, 'game up!'.

...to be a woman

I’ve wondered time and again
What is it to ‘be a woman’?

When I was four
I thought it meant playing mommy and cooking yummy food.

At six I thought it was to be able to
Wear make-up and heels and sarees.

As a eleven year old
Being a woman meant looking pretty
And being the centre of attraction.

At twelve, it was the ability
To bear cramps every month
And to get used to an almost new me.
It was also the constant fear of lechers and eve-teasers.

At thirteen I thought being a woman
Was to watch lovey-dovey movies
And fantasize about falling in love.

At sixteen, it meant
Craving for independence
And being reminded of limitations,
Discovering my wings
But realizing I couldn’t fly yet.

When I turned eighteen
Being a woman meant taking responsibility.
Standing up for myself,
Laughing and crying at the same time,
Holding on, yet being able to let go.

At twenty, I realized
Being a woman also meant
being vulnerable yet resilient.
And loving myself unconditionally.
It meant enjoying ghazals and rock
with the same fervor,
It meant appreciating life’s little blessings.
It meant falling in love.

Now I am twenty two
And all these things do count,
But I still wonder what it is to be a woman…
Maybe it is learning to know myself.
Maybe it is about neither completely knowing
nor giving up the quest to know.
Maybe it is the incessant mood swings.
Maybe it is the ability to feel joy and pain with comparable intensity.
Maybe it is being selfless and selfish.
Maybe it is simple, yet riddled with contradictions.
Whatever it is, I know that there is
So much more to know…and so much more to love myself for.

...

Madhuri n me, last year at Rishikesh :)

FC College Pune ;)

I miss Fergie...all the wonderful times...all the TP and nothingness...and, even though it sounds a wee bit tacky, "those were the days!!" :) It's not like now is a bad time...in fact it's as good as any...but my college days were almost magical - or so they seem in retrospect!

the endless hours at the katta...the numerous photo-shoots...the innumerable cups of chai at savera...the kingfishers on the tekdi! the logic lectures...the rain n the umbrellas...the exam-form submissions...standing in the line for hours together...singing silly songs...cracking lame jokes n ending up all cranky n hungry but still managing to have a great time always!The bus trips to akanksha...more singing...brainstorming :) gossiping ;) bonding... learning with the kids...thinking of all kindsa weird things :P

thinking of oorja...planning for oorja...practicing for oorja...dancing for oorja...the bickering and tantrums..the unsaid arguments and double edged jokes...working on the costumes...dancing on jhinchak songs...pulling mryn's leg...teasing ritesh, deepali, reema, Everyone! laughing uncontrollably with kruts n syamala...laughing in general...feeling bone tired and euphoric at the same time...the looooooong phone conversations...discussing every little thing that happened, that we did...of potential dancers and nondancers ;) walks around nowhere ending up at natural's or baskin-robins...Ma.Na.Pa! wind and the clouds...

DC and antakshari...laughing till our stomachs hurt...masal dosa n chatan sandwich...ice tea n mix wada! :D complaining bout lack of eyecandy...making the most of available eyecandy... ;) celebrating birthdays with grand fervour...planning dayssssss ahead n still be in a mess always! but end up having memorable mini-events nonetheless :) making the scrapbooks...running to venus for every little thing and ending up buying much more than we intended Always! :) pestering ppl for writing...blackmailing ppl for writing..oohing n aahing 'bout all the creativity that came up...oohing n aahing in general ;)
the psycho practs...eco lectures...wanting to bunk them all the time n invariably ending up half asleep afterwards...deciding to attend compulsory english n evs...being the only ppl present for the class n rushing to the tekdi for reprieve!
Man!!!!!!! these r just the things bout fergie that I'm missing Today!! :( but no, its more like :D after writing bout it...that's why they are my magical days! :) :)

Don't fear the dark

'coz Light means nothing without it.

Don't fear being wrong

'coz Right means nothing without it.

I have a friend who I've never met. Over the years, at some point of time, I've fallen in love with him...gotten over him...cared for him like crazy...been mad at him...had the most inane conversations with him...been bugged by him infinitely...shared a super rapport with...and currently, am 'staying away'...He's one person with whom I can't really describe my relationship. I don't know how it is for him, 'coz I don't believe his cheesy melodrama :)...but I know that at some level, I hope that he means what he says...'coz I do.

With him, I feel a special bond...a weird connection...It's not a romantic connection...but it isn't completely platonic either. I'm not 'in love' with him but I love him loads. Sometimes he's like a big brother...all concerned and sweet (okay...I admit this is kinda rare..lol). At others, he's meaner than possibly imaginable...and at still others he's pathetically cheesy...but I have so much fun talking to him!

I used to think of our conversations as a 'zone' where I could chill n be myself...but then, how can I "be" anything in a text convo?!

Right now, as I mentioned earlier...we aren't really talking...and I can't figure out what I'm feeling 'bout this...ughh...forget it!

sometimes, i say the stupidest things and they have such....unexpected effects... and the worst part is, i don't even know how to put it right...I'd do anything to 'undo' that conversation..quite a few conversations actually! But then,.... anyways!

How To Climb a Mountain

recently, while reading Paulo Coelho's Like a Flowing River...i read a piece titled 'how to climb a mountain'...its a nice lil article (or watevr a non-short story of that length is called!) which lists out d various steps one should take to climb a 'mountain'...n the best part bout Coelho is dat he makes you think...rather, he makes ME think...n think i did!... was pretty disturbed too...coz i couldn't even identify my mountain, much less try to climb it!! so wat did i do in this 'pretty disturbed' state? got into my rajaaii n 'thought'... :) lotsa things were going through my mind then (like always)...one of them was a conversation with someone...and a question that was almost haunting....'have you decided what u want to do?' ........
ah! der i go again....dis sounds like a few months ago...("where to..?")...but no...dis story ends on a happier note! i figured out that i have to choose my 'mountain'...and it's upto me to either choose one that'll take a lifetime to achieve, or one that i can get to in a shorter while, so that i can plan climbing the next! so, even though i still don't have any answers to all the what-do-you-WANT-to-do-in-life questions...i know that it's okay to not know...for me it is! there are people who are passionate about something...one thing that drives their entire being. Me...i'm not in their league...i can't point to any one thing i'm passionate about...but i am amused by a lot...and i'd like to believe that i'm curious about a lot too...stories fascinate me...people fascinate me...animals...colours...trees...life...food...photos...gadgets of all kinds...songs...poetry...
SO the point IS...itna kuch hai jeene ke liye...fir kyun maksad ki khoj mein jee jalayein? :)

Pain

This is an ooooooold diary entry...and it's here as an answer to all my '"why me's"...and to remind me that 'dard mein kuch toh baat hai' :)

I met an old friend last night...Pain. We share a strange relationship. I hate him..and he seems to love me. 'Coz no matter what I do to drive him away, he keeps coming back...wrenching my body...wringing out all my energy...and making me feel utterly helpless!
But, he's still my best buddy...b'coz even though he torments my body, he rejuvenates my soul. Every time he comes visiting, he brings along a lesson on optimism...on hope. And each time I succeed in doing away with him, he succeeds in making me a stronger person. Each encounter with him makes me think, 'if I could go through That, i can go through anything!'.
What seemed like a curse once, is in fact a boon. My friend, dear Pain, hope to see you again soon!

i'll be there for you...

if ever i loved a t.v. series, its this one!!! i know people who've been fanatics for more than 10 yrs now...and i don't claim the same glory ;) but in the last year and a half, these 6 characters have become real ppl for me...i love ross for being a nerd...rachel for being a spoilt brat...i can see a bit of myself in chandler, phoebe and monica...and joey? he's beyond words!! :) as a second thought, ever since i got hooked onto Friends, i hav bin seeing a bit of each of them in everyone i know...my friends, my family...It's an American sitcom and their setup and mine have zilch in common...but it still seems so real man!!!!

I was dreading that the series would come to an end soon...and even though i've been told time n again that 'u can watch friends a zillion times and still wanna see more'...for me, i knew it just wouldn't be the same...but kehte hain na, "melya shivay swarg disat nahi"...so i had to see the end myself to believe....and man! i loooooooooove the way it ended! ross and rachel together...wow! it's like.....its perfect! :) even with mon n chandler moving away...it all just feel into place so neatly....n now, i Know that i can watch it a million times over n still not get enough! things i love about the series:

-the title track...it reminds me how much i love my friends

-joey, ross, rachel, chandler, monica n phoebe

wat d hell...EVERYthing about it!!!!