From as long back as I can remember, I have been a believer. I have no religious inclinations, but I'd like to call myself spiritual. I have believed that there is a person/thing called God - who is no less than a super-hero. Probably owing to my christian school upbringing, I picture this God to be a male with frail physical appearance but abundant inner strength. He can do Anything. His job description is quite straightforward - to guide and protect. Everyone and everything. He is the one who created this world. He is the care-taker of it all. Maybe he delegates some of this stuff to guardian angels, I've never been too sure. But I know that I don't have to pass through a mediator to get in touch with him. He is ever ready to listen; to answer my 'prayers'. He knows everything. He is fair in his dealings. He makes sure the bad guys get punished. His functioning doesn't always follow logic but he does what is best for everyone. But he is no dictator. He is kind. He gives us choice, he gives free will.
Recent events, however, have made me question all of these beliefs. Of course, it was easier to hold on to them as a child...of course they seem a little flimsy in the face of reason. But that's not the cause of my concern. I have the tendency to be adamant in the most unlikely situations. I can happily turn a deaf ear and be in complete denial of cold facts if I so wish. But that somehow doesn't work where personal tragedies (for the lack of a less dramatic word that fits the bill) are concerned.
The God I believed in did not "test" to show favour. He did not have to be satiated with a particular kind of conduct. He did not make me stumble over hurdles every time I started walking :( I can't make sense of the way things are panning out. And I can't find an alternative to my belief system. This state of non-believing...or the absence of familiar beliefs is quite disturbing... Even more so when it concerns the people I love. Seeing them suffer, and being able to do nothing to end this suffering...I hate the helplessness of the situation. Which is why I find myself thinking...if there really was a God...the kind that I believed in....would he have allowed this to happen? Would he not have intervened sooner? Would he not protect 'good' from 'evil'?
